Monday, 16 June 2014

entry 26



he said something among the lines that he couldn't help but smile while trying to look at me without smiling but he was adorable and i was like thank friend (in my head)

so another thing i'm happy about is DRAGON AGE

alistair is my love <3 zevran's cute <3 leliana's cute <3 morrigan disapproves a lot but only because she wants everyone to die a horrible death. not my warden though, we're friends coz i give her shiny things. shale's an amazing pigeon killer, ohgren's drunk and sten steals cookies from children. really.

and from dragon age, dragon age 2. still haven't finished it but there's lots of homework to be done and i have 3 tests in two days and 1 in class essay tomorrow. save me oh baby jesus. fenris is beautiful.

and dragon age inquisiton /breathes heavily, the collector's edition /strokes. 170 bucks. either my not-so-subtle hinting to it at my mum and my bro will work or i'll have to make a resume and get a job soon.

and this also happened (here u guys go, an excerpt from a message to katie)

FROM THE CAREERS EXPO I HAVE PRETTY MUCH GOT A PLAN OF THE FUTURE!!!!! basically iunno if i told u but i went to that game stall of 'academy of interactive entertainment' and there was this girl sitting there with black hair and tan skin? her name is jessica and well i was interested in stall because it mentioned games /cackles. so i went up to her the first time and was like 'um excuse me' and she grinned and was like 'yes?' and i replied 'is there a course that includes writing?' and she hummed for a moment before flicking to this page in this booklet i NOW HAVE STUCK TO MY WALL  and showed me this 'game production' course and said 'yeah, this might be what you're looking for y'know. this course is all about making and writing a game, exploring character development and story developing - a main assignment is that you get into a group and create a story' and that sounded so good that i said thank you grinned and went away BUT THEN a few minutes later i came back, like after traversing to some other stores and asked her what if i wanted to learn writing, a language (japanese obviously) and stuff and she said yeah.. that's a bit complicated isn't it? but you know what, this course is really short compared to some, which is two years. and i asked how to get into aie and she said just give us a portfolio! you don't need an atar, just show off your writing skills, art skills, anything really and i said thank you again and then i came back to ask another random thing and was like i'm so sorry i keep coming back and she laughed and was like, hey, you know what? and she gave me her card and was like you can email me personally if you have any questions, and besides i think you'll be easier to remember. 'why's that?' i asked and she smiled and was like you're name's jesse right? (i subscribed to their weekly email or something) and i was like haha yes and she was like my name's jessica!
and well anyway it was really cool she was so nice ;a;
so i decided to look at some courses at macquarie for creative writing + japanese and i discovered that i didn't need to do a double degree because those two subjects came under bachelor of arts alone. so i looked it up for UNSW and the bachelor of arts degree atar cut off is 82. so my atar requirement would need to be that or above, to get into UNSW
the bachelor of arts degree, i have no idea how long it'd take, maybe 4 years at max? and the aie course would be 2 years B) and well i told my bro and stuff and he was like that sounds like an awesome idea, it's cool how you have a plan  and i was like HELLA YEAH and then i was like for a part time job iunno i could utilise my japanese and become a part time translator? and joey was like ohhh that's such a good idea, my friend is actually doing something like that (so it's possible) and stuff and yeah
that is my plan pretty much'

and, yes. my dreams and aspirations change a lot, kinda like a sim's, unless you lock 'em in. but yeah, i'm content.
so, from last update, i was supposed to mention things from last term? long story short, there was this music performance that the vocal ensemble had to do and we performed and when we came back from the stage to sit down, this hella rad asian dude, we can call him g, said 'nice work jesse' to me and he's in my year and he's awesome! and i said thank you and was pleasantly surprised. people are beautiful!


aaaand how much time has passed since i wrote that entry? lots of time, that's how much B)

at an expo night thing (where my ears and my parent's ears got talked off), g said hi to me again along with his friend let's call him c and it was this really weird strangled/teasing hi. iunno, it just... why do guys do that? it's really weird. so i just looked at them for a moment, smiled politely, and left. nothing big but guys are just really weird species.

speaking of guys, STEVE ROGERS IS BEAUTIFUL /swoon. i'm really starting to notice a trend with these characters i get the feels for /sigh.

i can't help but point out that i've just been getting cruder and cruder in my ways of thinking - and not in particular words or anything, just... cursing a lot. in my head. we had this maths common test today and because i skipped many questions (believe me when i say i really did study) i was just going wow fuck me sideways and call me a little shit, i'm gonna die in this test. sorry for the swear, but i'll try to tone it down - i don't say them in real life much but crude humour is slowly slipping into me- my maths teacher a few days ago was talking about volume and enlargement in reference to shapes and stuff, and then she started to go on about how common sense should tell us that this triangle would have a blah blah blah and my train of thought was going along the lines of something more like: 'what the hell woman common sense ain't tellin' me jack shit'

to say the least, i was a bit unimpressed with my common sense but perhaps i should focus on studying more instead of blaming my common sense

but i really don't think i'll be doing maths in the future so it's all good, kinda

this week has also been filled to the brim with business

i have a couple of assignments including a silly presentation and a draft letter to tony abott that we have to read out in class and mind you i think i'm terrible at reading things out

but today, there was another assignment kind of thing - more like a fun activity - to do with acting, including making a short film for junior tropfest - an australian film festival of sorts. lemme tell you guys that working in a group and making a film and acting stuff out is really damn fun, especially when you mess up (though that's not exactly advised) but it makes for good bloopers. that may or may not be used... depending on our time constraints :D

quoting bandaid, as a teacher dude in the film we're making (underneath the main lead's bed ((a french exchange student)), sliding out as he hears the lead crying): 'is something wrong?'

cue the zoom.

it's rather entertaining, our film hehe. maybe i'll post a link to it once we're done, if we manage to get it done in time (which hopefully we will). but yeah, life is well.

except that today, the acting group i'm in - a bunch of friends, including this girl called rachel who is an awesome person and very honest, friendly and pulls you in (and also the sunny type that i very much adore *keeping this all platonic ofc if anyone misunderstands, coz my heart only goes towards steve rogers right now*) - we had to go on the same bus together to get to zara's house and FISH came onto the bus and said hi to my other friend first and then said something to me but i kinda looked ahead and ignored him and then uh, what did i call his companion? eggplant? card? spades? i think i called him card. yes, card. well, his companion was like 'omg /canoe guy/ is missing out /SNICKER' and i just looked ahead and was like yeah well fuck you darling, canoe guy sure is missing out

in my head

of course

and well

i have no idea if i should flip tables on him or just pretend not to notice or what's better because they're obvs trying to rile me up or some shit that teenage boys do (god only knows)

but yeah, other than that i couldn't care less right now. isn't infatuation a silly thing? /nostalgic sigh, after 25 entries of infatuation, i really am over that phase. i don't really regret anything, just the fact that canoe guy's friends should step on lego pieces for all eternity and never have the satisfaction of sneezing or listening to good music ever again. or, i guess they- yeah, i'm not even gonna try to be nice, heh.

but rachel was really adorable today omg so zara's sis threw a pillow at her and when she left to do something, rachel turned to me and was like ugh i think she hit a pimple and she started rubbing the pimp and i was like no dude don't do that you'll make it worse, and she was like wait what really? and i was like yes, it'll scar and she was like oh i've been picking at them and i was like gurl don't do that and she was like why does everyone have perfect skin and i was like what i have pimps don't i and she was like no your skin is perfect (but honestly i have a few - people's judgements towards what they don't yet have kind of twist what they see, and i'm not just saying things about clear skin or not haha - just not an enormous amount, like all teenagers - unless they're super blessed) and she like poked my face and i was like haha well, i use face wash and stuff and she was like i use facial cleanser as well and i was like /advertising mode go natural

but yeah, it was easy to know how she felt but for any of u guys with problems like that, just drink water, eat healthy and exercise regularly.

anyway yeah, i just think it's cute when people are open like that in general about anything really soooo i decided to add that in hehe (anyone can feel free to message me about these kinda things /salutes)

i'm writing a fanfiction (about steve rogers, ilu bby) and i definitely write better on computer where it's free to edit and check repetition and grammar mistakes and such rather than on paper - though paper is good for brainstorming ideas and it's nice feeling your words scribble out on something palpable

Eine Kleine is a good song. So is Cosmic Love.

(yes i have good music taste so go on, click them links :3)

ah, and it was my birthday on June 6. it was good :D though my friends are expecting me to hold a birthday party soon in order to 'give me my presents and see my house' and i am a terrible host but we'll see how it goes and if i can organise it properly in time. katie's birthday is in two days and i really need to find a way to get her present (which i do have in mind!!!!) and there's just so many things to do this week /deep whale sound. couple that in with overwhelming feels because captain america might actually die in the movies coz he apparently did in the comics and there's been foreshadowing and --- /choked sobbing.


i hope everyone has a beautiful day, stays healthy and smiles a lot. smiles are good for your face.

Wednesday, 7 May 2014

entry 25

so i'm starting to forget events that happened a mere week ago when the holidays hadn't yet started which is why i'm deciding to write stuff now, but who even knows when this entry will be published because i've been favouring saving things as drafts and editing with other things as the days go by

but maybe this'll be out by tonight, who knows /shimmies (i'm looking back and editing and just smiling and shaking my head because it WASN'T past jesse u suck)

anyway, hOPE ESTHEIM

like i can't even stress his prettiness


okay i'll get to the point and just mention some little things that made my day(s) during the last week of school


...since i don't really know how to get into that, i'mma just continue my description of the pandas, ahem:

harrieT IS fun to banter with (/snickers because karriet, a ship with this dude i'll mention next) and she's pretty impatient, i found out at music camp, when i was telling zara and haz the story of everything and anything but it was a funny kind of impatient that makes you wanna snicker /cackles. you readers can determine that for yourself but anyway, haz/hazza is her nickname and i love harriet very much because she always offers her sandwiches to people sometimes and i'm usually the one to take it because i always forget my lunch. (that's the only reason i stick around her) she's generally a very sweet person and she always goes out of her way to do things for other people and she'll always be a beautiful person to have around. her hair is freakin' sunshine and her freckles are adorable and iunno but my friends seriously a lot of them have WONDERFUL BLUEY EYES AND IT'S BRILLIANT. she's a bit of a little sister in some ways that i kinda worry about her sometimes but she's also a little sister in that she's naturally endearing

ZARA IS ACTUALLY like she's probably the most seemingly normal out of our whole group but honestly she'll do and say some things which make you go 'wtf zara' but in the best of ways i assure you. she's an AMAZING organiser like i won't be surprised if she decided to indulge in her romantic side one day and become a wedding planner and be the best of the best wedding planners ever in the history of wedding planners. or just an awesome sort of 'planner' in general, but y'get my gist. she's beautiful, as all my friends are, and has an awesome laugh and smile to go with it - her eyes could be described as 'smiling eyes' of sorts, but i'm not quite sure how to describe it if you haven't experienced it for yourself.

oH WAIT okay i should've mentioned kai before but i'll do it now. anyway, kai! kai is such a sweetie, like, the gentlemanly type and i remember after the whole valentine fiasco where he spent five bucks getting me a rose instead of a simple gerbera like everyoen else agreed - i remember agreeing with someone, maybe ruby, that his future wife (we're going deep into the future, i know) would be very lucky because he's also hella thoughtful. he's a fun person to talk to about interesting things and he's always a welcome presence at the group even tho he usually now goes off to play magic with a bunch of his friends in the library B) he's a bold kid, and he's very much like hazza in that they're both like suns-- i guess you readers can interpret that for yourselves :D

chanse is my star trek and general fandom-ly buddy along with ellie!! i actually didn't know her that much since recently, maybe since the start of the year but when i got into star trek i found we actually connected quite a lot (fangirls always find each other somehow) and she was an interesting person to chat with. her writing is beautiful and so are her eyes and HER CHEEKS THO AND HER SMILE IS HELLA RAD AND HER HAIR IS COOL TOO but anyway it was always so refreshing to roleplay with her and just talk to her about our characters and well our feelings can be kind of similar too. feelings of well, /shrugs well you guys should be accustomed to girl feelings seeing as 24+ entries have been written about them AND dealing with them :D. she can be a bit negative sometimes but it's when the negativity is directed at herself that makes me sigh because everyone should believe in their potential a little more and i know these things are fragile and can be hard to repair but it's so true

uhm who else

i have to pee so while i'm on the toilet i'll think about who i might've forgotten brb

crap i'm back and forgot to think

okay JAMILLA ofc

jamilla is my japanese/animey/mango buddy and the only one in my group who actually gets all my references to anime and pretty much everything to do with japanese /shimmies. she's actually, personally for me, such a brightening presence and heck even her minutely 'pet jesse's hair' routine is accepted by me because she really openly shows her affection for her friends and it's adorable and because it's adorable /shuffles it's okay.  y'know, if that makes sense /coughs. but anyway, she has a good heart, even though she can be hella loud /SIGH she makes days interesting and she has a way with making the interesting things she does not bothersome when you come to actually know her. which is surprising (/cackles). but she manages to connect people and she's someone you'll miss when you find she's been absent for a few days at school. when you hear her laugh you should run away because she's either found something really creepy and willing to share it to scar other people or she's just being creepy in general (so i say that but her laugh is always welcomed because it's v. sweet)--

but okay that's it

i was called a smartass today and it was a satisfying moment even though it was so little LOL

i went to my aunty's house today and my aunty has a daughter-in-law called jessica and jessica is so open and so outgoing and she's so friendly and she's one of those people who just... makes the atmosphere lighter and she's very much like the 'sun' i mentioned earlier

but anyway i was talking to her and then she like looked at me and was like

jesse does your fringe ever bother you?

and i was like just smiling amusedly because she was trying to push it out of my eyes and i was like haha why, does it bother you?

and she just took away her hand and looked at me again and then let out this huge laugh and was like

oh my god you've really grown haven't you, you're a smartass

and just hugged me and told my bro i was a smartass and my bro sighed in this teasing way and was like this is what i have to live with

like idek why i'm a smartass by just that line but hey /wiggles it was interesting and i got free chocolate bcoz easter so on that note HAPPY EASTER EVERYONE

and this'll be a short post (originally it was a draft and i was gonna lengthen it more with other stuff but another time) but i got mauled today at basketball and i was in shock for a bit and it was... interesting (i got a hip wound/knee wound/thumb wound to mark my efforts)

have a good day!

Friday, 11 April 2014

entry 24

to unhappy jesse:

if you're ever unhappy, as the title in front of your name does imply, then remember this:

'no one knows anything for sure. they're just doing the best with what they already have.'

or... well i'm not entirely sure how that will help, but it's a nice quote right? hehehehe B)

and so, today is a tuesday and this happened:

i said hi to canoe guy today after science, and i brought up the subject of science and we were kinda discussing physics for a while because i really failed at it and don't like it that much but then he mused that physics was actually pretty easy, because it was just maths and then i kind of went silent and was like -- yeah... maths is my weakpoint.

but then he laughed and said, well you're good at english. i'm the opposite.

and then i kind of looked at him and was like, 'how do you know i'm good at english?'

and he maybe blinked, and said 'well i was in your class' and i was like ah, yeah, okay then

his head turned then and he suddenly said goodbye to his friend henry and henry said bye and i was walking for a bit and so was the canoe guy and then i looked back for reasons unknown and henry was looking at me maybe in this weird way and then i got unsettled and continued walking

we fell into this silence and then finally i was like


step 5

and canoe guy looked intrigued, and responded; step 5? what's that?

and i was like


/insert inward nervous laughter

it's saying sorry

and then his smile kind of faltered and 'oh' was his reply

and then i kind of rambled and was like uhm i'm sorry

and he did that thing where he looked down and was like it's okay, and gave me a laugh

and then i was like

by the way nice haircut

because he got a haircut right (obviously--)

and then he smiled and was like, oh, haha thank you! and i said it matches him and then he smiled and was like, it's a soccer cut and okay so maybe i think it's a tad cute he told me that but-- i mean, a soccer cut okay sorry that is pretty adorable, he looked excited-- uh anyway i swear i'm getting over him, but anyway, i smiled and jokingly said it was beautiful to which he laughed a bit

and then i was like

so uhm, yes, i'm sorry if i -- and then at this point he got kind of flighty again, and as i was saying this he was saying something like 'it's okay' and at the same point he got silent and i said 'made you feel as if you should talk to me'

and then he gave me this


and i'm not sure what to make of it because i'm not sure if he got the gist of what i was saying

and then he said bye really quickly

and maybe that's coz he had a bus to go to or maybe he realised he was as awkward as i realised that i felt really awkward in that moment

and so i nodded and said bye

and then i walked away

and whispered repeatedly to myself, 'that was so awkward' i don't know how many times but as i was walking i went past this boy and he looked at me weirdly but B) oh well but

well yes

life right?


so we'll see how this goes.



uh i think that was around three weeks ago.

the second week, i... went a different way from him because i was uhm nervous and i was silly and well yeah i kind of regret it but /laughs nervously

the last week i was at music camp!! and music camp was beautiful save for the unMENTIONABLE THINGS THAT HAPPENED WHEN A BANDAID INVADED MY frACKLING PERSONAL BUBBLE

okay that sounds really odd but basically /shudders when someone licks you it's the grossest thing UGH

just.. no bandaid. no.

i'll send this after u and i don't think u want that

but seriously, please no more of that idek how you can /deal/ with licking other people's hands like who knows what they've TOUCHED and like URGH /shudders


so i haven't updated in quite a long while and i guess i have a lot to tell.

so basically i had this phase where... i uh, i actually can't remember it so maybe if i keep typing it'll pop up in my brain.

uh, so, long story short i found out more about myself through kind of... getting over canoe guy. interesting right? especially since look at what i've done previously; well, at least to me it's interesting how it went away. or at least that's what i say but sometimes i can't trust my own words, hehe.

and when i say that i'm not even meaning it in some deep sense, it's just that my brain or whatever is just hELLA weird whenever it comes to canoe guy /snickers (iunno man, you'd think after 14, nearly 15 years, i'd have gotten used to how silly i am), so. yes.

sooo, to get on with the little stuff:


i guess i lost interest? i'd said what i wanted to say (although a lot of the littler things are being left unsaid at the moment). and after talking to him for three weeks before that incident plus music camp and all that, i didn't get that feeling anymore. that was maybe mostly due to the fact every time i saw him i felt really bad because of that whole 'obligation' escapade. i guess i associated that obligation with him pitying me and i really hated the idea of that /nods. but it's been 25 posts now, i'm sure you readers know i have the tendency to overthink.

since claire is now like my official confider (along with ruby and katie - katie's also going through the same thing), i told claire after i also informed rubrub, and i had a lot of trouble explaining what i felt without sounding as if i were lamenting so maybe i'll have that same trouble here.

but basically i began feeling indifferent towards him maybe after realising that we are just so, so different. in the way that i explained it to ruby, it's that more often i've been finding i don't think of him much -- that was when the whole obligation thing kind of calmed but was still prominent so maybe i didn't bother to think of him to suppress my uh, face-palm worthy feelings.

nowadays my eyes find him and yeah, he's still um /coughs really pretty (jesus christ, he was wearing a jumper today and it was so weird it was the first time i saw him in one and i guess it is true that you notice the silly random things about the person you're into/were into?) and i wouldn't be surprised that if he initiated something someday i would undoubtedly have to go through that whole liking thing again. but i doubt it so right now i'm feeling HELLA content :D

but the things i do, haha, the flower, the note, the smile thing-- i don't know how many people have done the kinda shiz i've done but... i guess i feel like i need something, maybe something unique, something interesting, a challenge that's also reciprocal - lol what am i saying - maybe not need, but want something that can interest me but also ensures reciprocation? everyone wants reciprocation after all but i think of odd things, i do them, and then i get impatient, so quickly as well.

maybe i judged too quickly with canoe guy because like, if i were in his situation i would be so at a loss for words, but y'know /shrugs i'd just like to return to my care-free life :D

ruby asked me if i was being /that/ person and i was like

lol, well, not... really. it's just how i am. and besides i'd have to keep up won't i?

and i'm just SO weird like i'm not even probably worthy of the things i come up with but i want them anyway

i guess that's being human, but only time will tell

and then after i told claire my thoughts which were VERY disconnected - she understood me anyway, i don't know how she does that, that saint i s2g - she told me exactly what i didn't know i wanted to hear and theeen she told me i should probs tell him but then we talked for a whole lot more and i decided that i don't think telling him is such a good idea (i can literally feel the awkwardness that would ensue if i blurted out something like 'ye so we're NOT rIGHT FOR EACH OTHER LET'S GO OUR DIFFERENT PATHS' and ???) so i'm obviously not going to do that any time soon.

at music camp btw, zara, hazza, ruby and claire were in my cabin and i re-told the story of canoe/shy/boygirl to those friends and who canoe guy was because i figured they deserved to know especially because i came to a deeper understanding of my feelings and all (lol) and well, zara cried for some reason and repeated a lot that i'm brave, but i just do what i do and then there are repercussions so... at the very least, it's safe to say i felt good for telling them (although there are two in my group who don't yet know but i don't think they're that curious anyway). the story took over an hour to tell and hazza got so impatient with who it was but it was... fun to tell.

anyway, i know that if canoe guy did something-- i'm sure i've already said this, something... well something, it'd probably be very easy for me to get those urgh heart feelings back.

anyway, today was a tuesday. so i'd previously decided that i'd probably talk to him about photography and stuff because that's his hobby (he has this fb page and uhm when i say i seriously didn't investigate his fb profile ((...although when i first liked him i looked at his profile pictures of his face to ensure that yes i was uhM Y'know and no i was not imagining it but LET's NOT GO THERE)) i mean it, i saw his friend like the page and then i was like wait i know those initials and then well yes jfc) and well this tuesday i was gonna do it and a short while after i'd walked out of science, my friends and i separated and canoe guy was walking in front of me and before that as we were actually exiting the classroom, he'd looked back at me and maybe it was a questioning look as if asking i'd come up to him again or maybe i'm looking into things but i smiled at him and he blinked and smiled back and that was probably the first time we'd acknowledged each other since before music camp (although i was running to my friends at luna park yesterday - for science we went to luna park B) - and we met eyes and i waved and he waved).

uhm so i kinda went off track there, but i looked at claire who was walking away and she was looking at me and her eyes were like alit determinedly and she mouthed 'go' or something akin to that and that spurred me on so

i basically ran up beside him and we said hey and then we settled into this silence as i searched for something to say.

as soon as i was about to ask a question, he also began saying something so i quietened and let him speak and we basically made small talk about the new topic we started - biology - today and it was... fun to kind of jab at how bad i was at phsyics. he'd asked me if i thought biology would be easier and i was like of course! and he looked at me and was like ...really? and i was like lol dude, that's not even a question. and he began talking about how hard biology was gonna be and i countered with how hard physics was and then his friend showed up and this is where things got kinda awkward, heh.

he started talking to.. let's call him coach because he's my referee at basketball funnily enough (have i mentioned him before?), well he started talking to coach and i kinda stuck around for a bit until his other friend popped up and they all started talking so i was like... /turns around slowly... /starts walking.... hesitantly... /walks....

and i had no idea what to do then but i didn't want to make things awkward for him by just standing there, so uh... yes.

i walked down the stairs and then i saw that bandaid so i walked up and said hello because i still had time before going to walk down to where i'm usually picked up and i kind of wanted to say goodbye to canoe guy but waiting would be a bit...

so i said hello to the bandaid and then he BRANDISHED HIS HANDS OR WHATEVER AND I KNEW WHAT HE WAS GONNA DO SO I RAN AWAY BEFORE HE COULD but then as i was kinda going 'doN'T U DARE TOUCH ME' canoe guy came down the stairs and bandaid was doing his thing and i met canoe guy's eyes and i was like-- /small smile?? cya and he kind of nodded and said bye and then i jabbed the bandaid in the side (at least i think i did).

but well, yeah.

after that

i walked down to the place i got picked up at and well

i wonder why i was smiling?

i guess it's because canoe guy kind of carried the conversation or who even knows. it... felt nice talking to him and haha i really want to talk to him again and about more stuff.


he... looks.... nice???? in a jumper???

aNYWAy 'm going to move on from this topic.

if i have any readers out there who aren't my actual real life friends, then you guys are so rad.

so, let me talk about my friends.

i've mentioned them a lot before, so they deserve to be written about yo B)

so i'm part of this group and we call ourselves the pandas for some reason; maybe because we sit next to bamboo but hey, the name stuck.

i'LL start with claire-bear - the NICEST CHICKA, as i've already described her, YOU WILL EVER MEET. a few years ago i probably would have never have guessed how sassy she was or how good she was to talk to and especially her ability to reason and look at the big picture which has helped me so much throughout the year, simply because we didn't talk much maybe because we were all settling in and there wasn't really any reason to. it's so wonderful to talk to her because as we're both on the shy side, i found out we actually understand each other so much especially when it came to senpais and wanting to get to know people-- and she really is like my big sis. it's so weird how easy it seems for her to be able to keep me calm and reassure me and give me a gentle push to where i need to be - i swear she's probably the only person who can actually steady me (exception being katie who steadies me also, but not so much with logic-- i'll explain later and ruby who has the ability to kind of... provide an observation even if it doesn't help that much, it's always appreciated). her random stories which are often absolutely pointless could be considered highlights of my dreary days /wink wonk.

guy is SO NOT RAD omfg and among a lot of other things he's a bandaid and ugh what an assbutt but okay, pushing aside all the things he does because he likes to see me frustrated and everything bad in the world, he's.... surprisingly a sweetie at heart (he does random weird things that make u go what the heck bandaid??? in a good way ofc), lol well, probably at the veeerry most (i'm kidding but this is payback for fORGETTING ME). his concept of playing with hair is different from my mum's and like the others who have actually played with my hair and i prefer the others. /snickers. seriously though. also doN'T YOU DARE COME NEAR ME WITH DIRTY HANDS OR I WILL JAB YOU INTO NEXT WEEK. B( - so anyway good things (lol what good things) to say about him is that he's fun to talk to, fun to banter with and so not fun to be around when he's set on suffocating you with his yaoi hands (thank u for putting up with me).

ruby is someone who really is subjected to all my weirdness because i tell her about everything i've encountered and especially through the first years, she was my first actual friend and i'm quite sure i was in this puppy stage - scared to venture to anyone else so i clung to her. so i'm sorry for that! but she's also my rival for japanese, person to just relax with, probably the most 'nature-y' person in the whole group and there are so many adventures we've been through together so we go a fair way back B) anD I DON'T THINK I CAN STRESS HOW MUCH SHE LOOKS LIKE A DOLL WHAT WITH ROSY CHEEKS PALE SKIN TONE BEAUTIFUL EYES /SOB but one thing that is really so beautiful is that i can always fangirl to her about anything -- absolutely anything, even taking a dump -- and she'll just accept it and that means a lot to me because we're always gonna be buddies /BUDDY FIST BUMP. even if she doesn't have the same magic wisdom as claire, she's still so understanding and she's always there for me and that's pretty damn amazing. i'm so grateful for everything she's done for me and with me hehe

ellie is SO BEAUTIFUL. when i was in year seven and eight i admit i was kind of.... i didn't talk to her much and she's a very blunt person and her bluntness can be a double-edged sword and so i didn't think i'd get along with her that much because at that point in time but i'm actually so silly because i look back and she actually wasn't all that scary as i made her out to be. she's actually such a cookie -- seemingly brittle on the outside but the inside is a fangirl and cutie and it's pretty awesome tbh. she's also my go-to sherlock partner in crime because we both adore benedict cumberbatch. have i mentioned sherlock in this post? i should probs, but this'll be a quick blog post and i'll have to summarise the rest of my friends later when i have time but i wanted to get this blog post out! (also brother hello if you're reading this).

this is a quick blog post!! but the next should come up soon!

i've made some hella new friends and it's awesome!! also acting is AMAZING. i did a performance today!

so, bye friends, this is entry 24, i hope good comes your way.

Tuesday, 11 March 2014

entry 23

rebecca is a bronze butt.

science was hella.

in basketball today, after the game ended and we all shook hands with the opposing team, this girl - number 6 - went up to me and was like hey you were really fast! and i was like ???? and she was like you were really good and i just ;v; because our team lost (but we're getting better??? maybe) but she smiled and left and i was like ;v; THAT'S SO nicE /sOB ahh wow

but anyway sCIENCE IS so fun nowadays

bronze butt keeps drawing on my science book though but we're doing this tally on every time our teacher says 'isn't that true'

it's been two days since i made this draft and i've been talking to a lot of random people lately but now it feels normal to be doing that so that's why i haven't documented each and every one

odd, right? :D

i said hello and goodbye to this dude today in non-sports

and i've been talking to bronze butt more and we're pretty good friends now if i say so myself

and i've been saying hello to random people

and i've got a new plan. my plans are always made up really abruptly but it's to do with canoe guy.

but before that it's really funny because i have science and geography with him and i'm not good at science except for biology and we're doing physics and that's like maths and science put together and deaR LORD but i don't like geograpyh either and yet

i look forward to them

i'm so weird


the plan.

it's 5 steps; 5 things.

today i went to the doctor and he asked me what the most beautiful thing in the world was (it was a really abrupt question and idek why he asked it and it caught me off-guard until finally-) and i answered 'relationships'. family, friends, lovers /shrugs. all of that is beautiful. and he said it was a really smart answer. ??? i don't know why he asked me that but yeah that was just a thing today.

anyway, the plan.

oh wait, before that: this BEAUTIFUL quote:

"I love being horribly straightforward. I love sending reckless text messages (because how reckless can a form of digitized communication be?) and telling people I love them and telling people they are absolutely magical humans and I cannot believe they really exist. I love saying 'kiss me harder' and 'you're a good person' and 'you brighten my day'. I live my life as straightforward as possible. Because one day I might get hit by a bus. Maybe it's weird. Maybe it's scary. Maybe it seems impossible to just be - to just let people know you want them, need them, feel like, in this very moment, you will die if you do not see them, hold them, touch them in some way whether its your feet on their thighs on the couch or your tongue in their mouth or your heart in their hands. But there is nothing more beautiful than being desperate. And nothing is more risky than pretending not to care. We are young and we are human and we are beautiful and we are not as in control as we think we are. We never know who needs us back. We never know the magic that can arise from ourselves and other humans. We never know when the bus is coming."

also today i went to see the school play and it was adorable so many otps and shipping and ahh

and this girl said hi to me today!! (i edited this part because apparently her nickname is meerkat but i don't know wHAT THAT REFERS TO OR ANYTHING??? OR WAIT NO I DO NOW okay so her name is meerkat and she's really cool and nice i wanna get to know her better!! :D)

and i talked to this girl today as well let's call her chia

and we were talking about the school play because at the end there was a gay couple, these two dudes and they were getting married along with all the other couples and when they kissed the audience let out this huge cheer and chia was like

oH YEAH LOL they weren't actually supposed to kiss

and i was like woah, so it was unplanned?

and she was like haha yeah!

and well



or rather


because i think one of the dudes has a gf but

it was pretty adorable, all the couples hehe.

sooo. the plan. /laughs.

uHM sooo firstly i may be a masochist and i s2g baNDAID dON't YOU DARE BRING THIS UP but this is probably going to work as reverse psychology but i FCUKIGN sWEAR.

but let me explain lol.

i do really spontaneous things and i don't know what they lead to at first but after i do them i have this period of aH HECKIE DOODLE SNAP WHY THE HELL DID I DO THAT. but then there's this little part of me going

hehehehe (imagine a twisted voice laughing)

isn't this interesting though?

and then that same part goes

you've done it now so yolo it man, do the yolo

and it shimmies at me and well

that's how everything's been going so far, heh.


'Well, I've read through four entries now and I'm just going to say.. You've really changed since I met you tbh. You used to be super shy (remember when you couldn't talk to Brandon haha) but now you've opened up to so many people and I think, "oh my god, that's OUR JESSE!" It was pretty amazing to me.'

um yes that maybe made my night... /flops forever

and UHM IT IS 11/3/14 now and i was writing this yesterday but now i'll tell you guys about the plan because i did an important thing today.

step 1: /laughs nervously.
well, okay this step was basically.. y'know that feeling you get when you see the sun rise or set? or maybe when you're out at night and see the stars in the sky without light pollution clouding most of them. it's maybe a feeling of 'wow' lol but mostly it's the warmth. you know, that warm feeling? i don't know how to explain it in much detail hehe, but yeah. uhm.... well can you feel what's coming up, readers? guess why i'm telling this to you but if you can't then you'll find out when i recount what happened today haha.
step 2: i like you lel
step 3: i'm also gonna get over u
step 4: so in order to do that i want to get to know you haHA weird rIGHT (you'll see my reasoning tho hah)
step 5: on uhm, tuesdays y'know how you walk alone and we both walk the same way y'know just if you want to then do you maybe want to walk with me

i look back at this plan now and iunno why it seemed to great but ????


after science today, i said goodbye to claire and bec and i have no idea where chanse went she's very elusive

obviously you guys should know he walks the same way i do as always and well he was about 2 metres in front of me and started talking to sam who is heLLA rad (he's in my acting class) - i think i've mentioned him before and i'd like to get to know him more hehe but um

i kind of faltered there but not really? it's an odd feeling to be hesitant of disturbing someone but sam eventually started talking to his other friend and canoe guy was just straying off to the side and getting his bus pass out when i went up to him and was like hey, /insert name and he was like oh, hey

and i was like okay so, i have five things to tell you

and he looked amused and was like, what are these five things?

and we started walking down the stairs to the canteen

before i began on step one i was like okay so this is mostly me improvising...

and then i began talking about sunsets and sunrises and i was rambling to him and then he interrupted and was like 'sunsets don't rise y'know' and i gave him this 'omg' look and he grinned and was like haha sorry. i haven't seen a sunset in a while but i think i get what you mean.

and i was like hm.. and for some reason i could get the words out of my mouth so i panicked slightly and said

hey, i know a better way to say this

and he was like ?

and i said

i don't like science. and i'm terrible at geography, haha. but i look forward to them anyway.

and then i kind of smiled sheepishly and was like, number two!

and i was like this is kind of...

and at that point he'd gone into this maybe anticipating silence as if he felt like he knew what was coming

and i was like /sigh okay well i really like you

and he went silent for a moment.

his head was bowed and he was smiling as he said thank you

'thank you'


but then number three -

i began with: don't worry though! number three, well, haha i'm uh.. i'm going to get over you

and i didn't give him much time to respond as we finally walked down the stairs to the bus stops and went right into step four. i said, ummm so in order to do this i want to get to know you (or maybe i didn't say this because my memory is fuzzy for some reason /sob) and well

i was like so on tuesdays..

and we were both standing there and he was like, tuesdays?

so i kind of nodded and was like.. uhm, on tuesdays.. if you want - and by this point i was looking away and my hand had come up to my face haha nervous habit - since we walk the same way, wanna walk with me? if you want--

and then he nodded

and smiled and i don't know what to think of that smile

and i think he was like sure

and then i was like

o..okay... see ya

because i'm pretty sure he needed to get to his bus

but his smile was present as he said bye

and well. yeah.

in the afternoon (it's 11pm right now) i was still jittery and especially when ruby told me that he'd probably think about me a lot afterwards



and then i got really haHAHAHAHAhahahdhasdahdfwqeWQe?? about the fact that i really don't know if i can keep my word about getting over him or not, haha. and i have geography and science tomorrow and just those words remind me how i said i look forward to those classes because of him and HahAHaha oh dear lord i'm too.... i say these things and they're terrible ;;

and that's when i told my cookie friend, who i will affectionately label forever as cookie, and she's seriously like iunno my informer of random things because she's kinda 'in' with a lot of people


so basically

firstly this happened:

On Sunday at volunteering /lenalee/ asked me if you liked him well i'm gonna get over him/shimmies and i just like shrugged uhm but i think and she said /lenalee/ would go well with him that /canoeguy/ kinda feels obliged to talk to you or whatever idk nooo, she doesn't like him she just asked because you and claire walked passed us and i was like "oh looks it's jesse and claire" i think /fish/ and /canoeguy/ have spoken to her about it that's interesting i wonder how i'm going to fix that thanks for telling me bri /kisses ur forehead'

and uhm i had this feeling of dread throughout that whole convo LOL and i'm really not as calm as i portray to dear cookie and then this came second:

Ah Jesse Tran 18:45 Jesse Tran ye Claire 18:45 Claire That's a little bit bad Jesse Tran 18:45 Jesse Tran a little bit yeah UM SO huh. maybe i should just not now? i mean the tuesday thing wOULD JUST MAKE HIM FEEL EVEN MORE OBLIGATEd SHIT claire i did not expect this so i don't know what to do Claire 18:46 Claire Look, don't worry about it. You've done the plan, and the way he reacted was wonderful. Jesse Tran 18:46 Jesse Tran not sure even your wisdom will help me nuy but obligated claire that's claire obligated he'll feel even more obligated now the tuesday thing fuck wow i should just never have done anything but then there's this part of me saying no it's okay that you did stuff but you.. i really i'm so silly Claire 18:47 Claire Hey, don't worry. There's nothing you can do. Just maybe see if he talks to you first during the week, and if he does, that's a good sign. Jesse Tran 18:48 Jesse Tran but i don't think he will claire i don't know Claire 18:48 Claire But how does /lenalee/ know that he felt obligated? Jesse Tran 18:48 Jesse Tran bri says /fish/ and /canoeguy/ probs talked to her about it since they're friends and all but it's very likely Claire 18:49 Claire Hmmm Jesse Tran 18:49 Jesse Tran but i mean she asked if i liked him so obvs she must've got a tip off y'know? but uhm Claire 18:50 Claire I don't think so, maybe she's just observant Jesse Tran 18:51 Jesse Tran i think the possibility that there was a talk is more likely haha Claire 18:52 Claire You know what? Because you've done the plan I think you're now obligated to talk to him. And I think if you don't, he'll wonder what he did wrong. So talk to him for the next week or so, then back off. Still smile at him and stuff, just wait for him to start the conversation which he will do if he genuinely wants to talk to you. Jesse Tran 18:53 Jesse Tran so the worst scenario would be in the next few weeks nothing happens and basically we forget? Claire 18:54 Claire Well it's your job now to make sure that doesn't happen. This opportunity can't be lost! Jesse Tran 18:54 Jesse Tran but what if i just screw things up? like if i make sure it doesn't happen isn't that me making him feel even more obliged? i'm..... starting to envy your situation, kind of now since i do really spontaneous things sure they're 'brave' but thinking about it in the victim's pov it would make them feel obliged but you've done baby steps while i'm kind of jumping back and forth if that makes sense Claire 18:58 Claire No, just talk to him about stuff that he seems to enjoy. And if he does feel obligated to talk to you then you can figure out what happens after that. But remember, you're not supposed to know this so you can't suddenly not say anything to him after what happened today. Jesse Tran 18:58 Jesse Tran i don't know how you can even still be giving me advice because i don't think many people have even been in this situation ugh yeah, i know /sigh Claire 18:59 Claire But you never know, this was before you told him so things probably have changed now. Jesse Tran 18:59 Jesse Tran i don't.. think they would have changed.............? ??? Claire 18:59 Claire They could have! You never know And don't start making assumptions because they can really hurt everything Jesse Tran 19:00 Jesse Tran h ughghghughuuuuuuu i'm kinda laughing what a situation Claire 19:01 Claire Yeah, I'm not envying your position right now. But you have to "work the problem" and everything will be all fine and dandy Just take one step at a time. Jesse Tran 19:03 Jesse Tran 'work the problem' sigh i really don't know haha Claire 19:03 Claire It's all you can do right now, and this is just one tiny little hiccup in the whole scheme of things. Jesse Tran 19:04 Jesse Tran right Claire 19:04 Claire Remember that! It's no big deal! Jesse Tran 19:04 Jesse Tran ... sdfgyjh Claire 19:04 Claire Just one thing that has to be ironed out And you can fix it by talking to him for the next week. And another idea might be to talk to him straight up about this. Jesse Tran 19:05 Jesse Tran didn't you just say that remember that i'm not supposed to know this? ;; but sdfgh that;'s what i was thinking or well not really like 'confront him' confront him but more like remind him that like he doesn't have to feel obliged to talk to me but in uh subtle words i don't know asdfgh Claire 19:06 Claire Well you can say that you hope you're not making him feel obliged or something casual Yes exactly!!! Jesse Tran 19:07 Jesse Tran wow guhhfdsdfasdfghd i don't know Claire 19:07 Claire Mmm What do you think you should do? Jesse Tran 19:07 Jesse Tran haha i don't even know i think the thought that'll go through my head all night will be 'wow i'm so silly' since i can't seem to stop thinking it asdfgh but thank you a lot your presence is calming asdfgh Claire 19:09 Claire Well I guess the choice is not talking to him because someone told you he feels obligated, or keep talking to him and having convos with him because you JUST CONFESSED (yay!) and then subtly reminding him. To me, that's your choices. Jesse Tran 19:10 Jesse Tran wow LOL i feel like you're passive-aggressively ordering me to talk to him hahaha Claire 19:10 Claire Haha, anytime I hope I can help you Jesse Tran 19:10 Jesse Tran in a good way Claire 19:10 Claire Maybe I am /wiggles eyebrows Jesse Tran 19:10 Jesse Tran LOL because you don't want me to screw things up even more, huh ugh i have to think Claire 19:11 Claire No! I just want you to be happy and I don't think you'll be happy ignoring him. Jesse Tran 19:11 Jesse Tran i don't think i'd ignore him LOL more like do something stupid but i don't think i will i don't know how i'll do this /sigh Claire 19:12 Claire I don't think you will. You made the right choice to tell him today, and I think you'll make the right choice in figuring out a way to fix this small problem. Jesse Tran 19:13 Jesse Tran you have quite a lot of faith in me ;; /sobs and clings to you Claire 19:13 Claire /hugs You'll make the right choice! Jesse Tran 19:13 Jesse Tran i really hope i do /flops on you Claire 19:14 Claire You will! /becomes flop support Jesse Tran 19:15 Jesse Tran /sighs forever /flops on you forever can i just turn into a potato i'm sure potatoes have easier lives Claire 19:15 Claire /hugs tightly No because I eat a lot of potatos That's not allowed Jesse Tran 19:16 Jesse Tran but potatoes probably like being turned into mash potatoes and stuff Claire 19:17 Claire Maybe you'll get eaten raw by a crazy man Jesse Tran 19:17 Jesse Tran raw..... poate.o............... i think that'll happen to only one in a million potates excuse U Claire 19:17 Claire Okay well I have to go have dinner but I will be back soon! Jesse Tran 19:18 Jesse Tran okay.. i'll have a shower afgjk

and then

Claire Back! Jesse Tran 19:54 Jesse Tran Yo!! Claire 20:21 Claire Hi! Jesse Tran 20:21 Jesse Tran so i had a bath just before and it was a long bath and i was just thinking that i'm.. alright now because i've kinda always played with the idea that he might feel obliged to talk to me haha i guess hearing that he really did and that /lenalee/ knew and bri was probs thinking i'm an idiot kind of hit me hehe but hey i was like /lenalee/ would probs go well with him and bri was like noooo she doesn't like him i guess that's one thing i found out LOL but i'm kinda i just want to clear things up haha i'm a silly potato tho Claire 20:24 Claire Haha, well I'm glad you've had a chance to think through things. Jesse Tran 20:24 Jesse Tran thank you haha Claire 20:24 Claire And I'm glad you're okay with what's happened. I know it's a pain, but it's not the end. Jesse Tran 20:25 Jesse Tran i just kinda feel sorry for him a bit hahaha he has to put up with my spontaneity Claire 20:26 Claire Well spontaneity is supposed to be cute to guys so.... /wink wonk Jesse Tran 20:26 Jesse Tran ............ /shakes head at you right, claire, LOL just like husky voices aye LOL pretty sure i sounded like blocked nose and everything but hey /shimmies Claire 20:28 Claire LOL ah well /wiggles Jesse Tran 20:28 Jesse Tran /dances Claire 20:29 Claire /goes to have a shower I'm sorry Jesse Tran 20:29 Jesse Tran no problemo amigo

and i felt way better than before.

and then i was talking to katie the nerd coz she fINALLY went online and then well, she always manages to make me feel even more better by just being a nerd so i'm really grateful for that.

her opinion is always so unique and always helpful and so is everyone's and i could gather these 15 things from response:

1: boys are alien and lenalee is telling bs (which i really don't think lenalee would do because she's hella nice however katie's a very blunt person who always speaks her mind and so her view can be harsh)
2. i'm not normal
3. he's definitely struggling with his thoughts right now because although my plan was good it put him on the spot a bit much and I'm SDFGDSFHG
4. apparently he's probs intrigued by me
5. he smiled at me, quote 'stop ignoring the facts woman'
6. i do take leaps and bounds and then retreat
7. she honestly thinks it went well
8. apparently he had a positive attitude because 'he didn't shoot me down or reject me' but pretty sure he's just being polite
9. thinking about what will happen is pointless (speaking from experience) - quote by her
10. i may not give him enough time to sort his own feelings out and i have to be careful of rushing things
11. she has 'absolute confidence' that he does not feel obliged to talk to me ... from her perspective, apparently because he's done nothing to infer that (but LOL i'm pretty sure he's felt it at points)
12 is sILLY
13. boys don't do things they don't like and they don't think 'that way' (which claire agrees with apparently but iunno i have proof that boys are exactly like girls in some aspects)
15: there's a certain limit to being polite - in reference to him being 'polite'

and well

"Hey, I don't think he was being polite. I think he was just reflecting what he was feeling."


"Mostly valid points! I completely agree that his reaction was great because even though it might seem like he was just being polite, it's hard to cover your feelings in a situation like that. So I think whatever reaction you got was genuine."

so UHM maybe i'm putting these quotes on my blog because they reassure me and i don't know what other comment to make except haha i really am yoloing it and that my friends are so beautiful, i really don't know what i'd do without them.

the main people i actually go to for advice is ruby, claire and katie. the others i don't because i can't contact them so don't feel left out, anyone reading that's not them.

ruby is grounded, claire's logical and katie's feeling.

they're opinions all matter so much to me and so i kind of gather them and make my own.

soo anyway, my reasoning for /coughs getting over him is that okay, so i'm done with all that 'i have to tell anyone i like them because it's sad when you keep it in for a long time' and 'liking is such a precious feeling, that's why i think it's best you do eventually tell that object of all that affection you like them'-- and also that the reason i want to get to know him is so that afterwards i'm not just regretting the fact that... well, i don't know how to put it. my cousin asked me yesterday why and i told her something and she nodded thoughtfully at it but i can't remember what my response was. i guess i'm pretty selfish in this way and because i don't think of consequences much, i plan to apologise to canoe guy soon and really set things straight because i feel like someone 'feeling obliged' is similar to 'pitying'. and pity is an interesting thing but it's also pretty horrible to be the victim of it.

but my cousin told me i'd just like him even more because i'd probably find qualities that i can relate to and i was like that's a very valid point and then that is a huge flaw in my plan but then i justified it and i can't REMEMBER IT so i'm gonna think about that tonight asdfg



i was bantering with bandaid today and i was in the middle of calling him 'homebrand' when this girl, nickname: star, laughed out loud at us and i was like ohh hey!! and then i started talking to her and then i was walking with za and she was going the same way we were so i invited her to walk with us until she parted and hehe i feel pretty proud of that

i also talked to more people in my acting class today and bandaid tried to massage my shoulders and that was TERRIFYING. i can massage better btw B) since i'm like trained not even kidding yo huehuehue. vietnamese aunty and dad benefits, they both learnt how to massage hehe.

i've also been talking to my penpal shupao more and this guy i meant on tumblr; carlos. carlos and i bond because we're both shy people and he tells me about his crush and it's adorable haha. shupao will always be hella rad though.

i was also talking to bronze butt today more and it's so great because i'm like her science buddy and she's my science buddy and our sass wars are always so interesting hehe. she ALSO LIKES MUSIC I LIKE AND IT's SO GREAT BECAUSE WE SING TOGETHER :D

oh AND ALSO IN SCIENCE my friend threw a pen at me and i missed and this guy started laughing and i looked at him and kind of gave him this B( wut u doin mate and he laughed harder and i was like excuse you and then my friend needed to know the time and i was like oh hey, what's the time? and he smiled and gave the time and he was hella

also i said hi to this guy in my year today, who zara commented was 'the hottest in our year' LOL but yeah. he smiled and it was gr8.

i don't think i can go to basketball tomorrow because i'm sick haha but i want to watch (i don't think i'm allowed though which sucks)

i probably have a lot more to write but it's late and i'm sick and i have to go to sleep because parents be flipping tables heh.

also, jamilla, you're beautiful.

so this is entry 23!! the walking dead is SUCH A BEAUTIFUL GAME i wish episodes came out more often but clementine is my fav and my heart is still whispering a soft 'no' at the ending of the first season.

'still into you' is a good song. oh i also volunteered for tri the gong on the weekend and i was basically directing pedestrians out of the athlete's way and this random dude came up to me and was like 'hey you!! you were doing a really good job, nice work!' and that was so beautiful, haha

so, have an amazing day any readers of mine. reminder to sit up straight and drink water and eat apples because you don't want to be sick. be grateful for your clear airways /nods gravely.

bye bye! :D

Saturday, 1 March 2014

entry 22


i am the asian wearing the blue hoodie /nods

and it goes, from left to right: claire, harriet, zara, rebecca, myself, sam, s'nay and ruby

/sends love to all

aND LOL so, okay looking back at my older blog posts i realise that i never explained how canoe guy got his name (and that i have so many typos i need to fix /shudders)

but long story short: he helped me carry a canoe in year 9 camp.

after canoeing, me and ruby had to carry our canoe back to the shed when this dude came up to my side and just slid the canoe out of my hands and i kind of just stood there and blinked and was like 'oh... thank you...?' and canoe guy nodded or maybe he grunted but anyway, lol, that was the first time i noticed him (senpai notice me).

he was in my group at camp and thus we had all our activities together and honestly, i didn't know his name or that he even existed before he helped me carry that canoe so sometimes i reminisce and sulk because if he hadn't helped me carry that canoe i wouldn't be fussing uselessly over him in the first place, y'know. fun fact: at camp we had this activity where there was this web with lots of shapes of different sizes and you had to work together with your whole group and use each hole once to fit a person through it - everyone had to get to the other side. so the small people went through the small holes first and since i'm one of the small-ish people, everyone allocated me this small area near the top of the web and since canoe guy is tall all his friends were shouting his last name and nudging him to carry me and well he did and i remember his hands around my waist haHAHA oh god

but yeah. canoe guy is canoe guy because he helped me carry a canoe and that at school i started noticing him more and more and suddenly the interactions we had became extremely precious to me --all the little things became bigger things-- and well, here i am now.

yeah, he's beautiful. /sigh.

so recently claire has been telling me stories about her senpai and how recently she's made a lot of progress and all this is making me smile because look how far she's come. i think it's really, really beautiful and i'll never stop thinking that people who are liked or hell, loved, are very very lucky. i really hope more good things come her way because she really deserves it.

also, my unsticky bandaid of a friend guy made a blog and APPARENTLY I NSPirED HIM /caCKLES

so he also knows my blog now and i have no idea if he plans to make it a routine to check my blog but

okay so

trigger: self harm

i went to a party yesterday

remember entry 14? with 'ames'? she changed her name but i'll keep it as ames for the sake of keeping her identity private.

she gave me a letter and i read yesterday and well, she got more blades and she says sorry but she says she hasn't used them as much as she used to before.

yeah... haha. i didn't expect her to break from the habit entirely and well

i'll stray from my opinion but i met her friends yesterday and i know she's in good hands now and the only thing i can really do is hope that she'll get out of the habit of hurting herself

i just

okay moldy tomato, are you reading this right now? because if you are i know i've probs made you uncomfortable by addressing you or some shit but you're a moldy tomato and i just

obviously i don't want you to turn to self harming

of course i don't want you to turn to cutting

of course

because it's something that-

i don't know if i'm describing it well because i'm not too well-versed in things like this but

i just

if there's a chance i can stop you from starting it then i want to take it because i feel like cutting/self-harming is something that envelopes you and i don't want you to fall deeply into it; to feel bad that you're doing it to yourself and to feel guilty and beat yourself up when your friends are worried about you but still do it anyway because for some reason you can't help it

i don't know much of your story, you pencil

so my words may not mean much and they probs won't do much

but if it counts

i want you to be happy and i want you to be safe and i want you to not hurt yourself when you're feeling down or anything negative

because /coughs even though you've called me a paperclip and the eraser that everyone loses and other names, i feel really lucky to have you as a friend because like in my other blog post, you really do make life interesting and i love telling people about you being a child trafficker and constantly molesting my hair and my hands and making comments about how i'm short/small; you make me wanna tell stories about you and i don't want your story to turn into something sad

i'm probably going too far into it or something but there you go

those are my thoughts and yolo because this is my hella personal diary

but yes

i went to a party yesterday!! and met lots of ame's new friends and one thing about her is that i don't think knows that she has this ability to bring people together. or that's just how it seems to me.

but her friends were all awesome and this guy luke kept dancing with me and everyone else ofc but he was interesting and cool hehe

and seth was fabulous

and i didn't talk to many of them but i'm glad for ames

there was a lot of hair stroking and omg one major thing was that there was this couch and there was this system that if you were in a position closer to the arm of the couch you were of high status so everyone aimed to be the highest and that caused a lot of chaos and dog-piling and i was crushed and maimed a couple of times but no big deal

aND I'LL NEVER SAY IT OUT LOUD BUT... when people play with your hair... uwu.... it's a nice feeling....

i like it when people pat my head asdfgh neVER say it out loud but it's like

well my senpai senpai as in my big bro but not actually dude simon in uni now pats my head whenever he sees me and it's like ;v;

i don't know how to explain it but it makes me happy

but asdSDFG

note: u diarrhoea apocalypse, guy, if you're reading this don't use it against me or i will karate chop u with my ninja skillz

samson by regina spektor is a beautiful song btw

and i have a picture of my friends sleeping and leaning on each other at the party but it's really bad quality but here it is

lucy, ruby smiling like the creeper she is, guy the bandaid, kai actually sleeping and claire
 ah and here are the wings i drew for ames though they were unfinished when i took the picture--

and this is entry 22 and i really like pineapples but not the actual pineapples, only the ones you find in the can soaked in syrup/juice because the real pineapples somehow makes your tongue feel weird if you eat too much and that feeling is horrible

i hope you readers have a beautiful day and remember that you're fabulous and i hope good things come your way

thank you for reading!!

ah and happy march because it's the second and march just started and well happy march!!

Thursday, 27 February 2014

entry 21


maths was my first class today--

BUT WAIT I FORGOT TO SAY SOMETHING about when i got back from bush school it's really little but basically noir was sitting across from me on the bus and on the bus ride home she was like hey jesse

and i was like oh, yeah?

and she replied you're like my role model now, you have such a good voice

and i kind of embarrassedly replied with a thank you

but i was really happy

and later as we were getting off the bus, i went up to her and was like hey noir! and she was like yeah? and basically i just told her that she was inspirational as well and she laughed and was like how so? and i was like well, you talk to a lot of people and you make it seem really easy and she laughed again and hugged me and told me i was cute

but i really meant it

noir talks to a lot of people with ease and it's so cool because she's a genuinely nice person and i kind of aspire to be like her

but anyway

maths was my first class today and i came in and sat down and was waiting for claire: maths buddy to show up and class had already started when the teacher was like HEY (what should i call the dude i guess i'll call him jude because jude is a cool name) jUDE SIT OVER HERE BECAUSE UR DISRUPTING THE CLASS

and she pointed to the empty seat beside me

and i was like o...h

and then he came up and sat next to me was kinda like 'sup as he sat down and i kind of nodded and smiled a bit

but when claire entered the classroom

i swear to god maybe it wasn't telepathic but i locked eyes with her and deep within me there was a horrified whisper of 'no' because she was left alone and i was also kind of left alone to fend for myself because i've never really talked to jude because he's well, also that type of far away person y'know?

so we stayed hella silent for a long time

when i got up to this question

and it was horrible but i could do it but at the same time i was stuck on one part of it

and i knew that jude had nearly finished the worksheet because he asked the teacher for help on question ten when i was still on question six (sob)

so after a LONG while of hesitating on whether or not to ask him but i knew i should because talking is a good thing and talking to new people is a beautiful thing

i was like

hey... jude

and he turned to me

and i was like, do you know how to do this question?

and he was like oh

and helped me out with it

and i kind of got it but kind of didn't but it gave me hints on how to do it

and i was like thank you

but really softly and that was accidentally and he kind of just nodded and went back to his work

but then i found out the formula and was like oh!! thank you! again and he made this noise of acknowledgement


it was a very short interaction but i felt proud of myself for having the guts but then one thing that i've noticed since the first time i saw him was that he is also a pretty dude

and so after class ended

he was walking out

and by the time i got up i'd already made up my mind because there was this one thing and hey, i'll post a picture here:


/laughs nervously.

that's what was motivating me and so i went up to him and was like yo jude

and he was like ?? yeah..?

and i was like you're very pretty

and then slowly

he smiled

and god smiles are so beautiful

and in an amused tone, he said thank you.

so yeah.

i just thought people think about other people so much and passing thoughts would be 'wow how pretty' but they're never told for some reason even though they'd make the other person feel fab so i guess i was like hey why don't i just say this because smiles are wonderful

so yeah i did.

science today was also really fun.


like okay

this was just one thing but she was getting the equipment for an experiment and the teacher was like bending over and talking to this student and she was trying to get past him

and i noticed that and she was just standing there really awkwardly and then i started laughing

and she made eye contact with me and then scrunched her face up and shook her head



it was hilarious and then she came up to me and was like no jesse stop laughing

but i laughed even harder

and yeah

science was fun

and a tad

odd i guess

i think people stole canoe guy and his friend's seat so they sat behind me and my friends and canoe guy was right behind me and i felt like i wanted to talk to him so much but i... yeah. and i heard him banter and y'know

just hearing him with a smile in his voice is nice

urgh i'm so weird

but also i was talking about wings with claire today

long story short i saw this tumblr post about what people'd be like with wings in everyday life

and i started to draw wings

wings for canoe guy, ariana, cinekha, will, heck, even soul

and these wings

mean a lot because they personify the person and i give them wings which i think suit them and describe them

claire-bear asked me to describe her senpai's wings which was damn adorable and so i did and apparently i made her almost cry bUT TEARS OF TOUCHED-NESS AND IT WAS GR8

she said it was a beautiful talent i had and how it was amazing i could think it up on spot

and that was a really

like... impacting compliment haha

i guess it's because i'm a writer that it was so impacting but it was also because i'm a writer that i could think up something like a person's wings on spot but i guess it's also because i think about things a hella lot and more than i should probably and that's why it's easy for me to try and see a person's view and use that perspective to further explain things

it's really weird because somehow these wings have become precious to me in such a short time and i feel like i want to tell people what they're wings would be--

because if everyone really did have wings it'd be hard not to fall in love with each and every individual because of the simple but unique beauty every pair holds

but y'know everyone holds a uniqueness to themselves even without wings, so i guess that's okay

but with wings it'd be more apparent

more prominent

easier to recognise that our bodies are something to be loved and not shamed

and it's very sad and odd because it's ourselves who do the shaming



one thing that's been plaguing my mind is that i want to tell canoe guy about his wings, hah

i'll give you guys a very bad quality picture:

edit: digital version

they'd angle in towards the small of his back but the tips wouldn't meet unlike cinekha's (you can spot hers in the top right) and his wings would be medium-sized and y'know i don't think they'd be that extravagant compared to ariana's or will's which are next to canoe guy's in the left but the left wing hasn't been drawn for will but

the tips of his wings - the bone that folds; the two apexes - they'd look pointy because of his feathers (his wings would be a mixture of feathers and fluff and they'd look fairly neat but they're actually pretty messy but not very noticeably so) but they really aren't

if you touched them they'd be rounded and strong and if you ran your hand down the joint it'd be smooth and maybe a tiny bit angular, but surprisingly supportive if that makes sense

lol i'm





his wings would be a colour several shades darker than tumeric but that'd only be in some random patches and his wing base colour would mostly be a light caramel



AND although we didn't win, we did really well i reckon!! my friend's mum (zara's mum) was laughing and joking and made a remark about how i was getting in there and stealing the ball off the tall people and that was funny and actually really nice hehe, since my parents don't come to watch because they're busy it's a really nice feeling to be... recognized... i guess? but it was so nice of her!! my hair was really sweaty afterwards and i felt proud because it was like my hard work and effort transformed into a palpable form which was the sweat kekeke and i told my brother this fact and he was like ew don't sweat on my carseat and i sighed and shook my head and sweat probably flew at him then but he just didn't understand

brothers, what can you do.


i better mark the date (yesterday i was continuing writing this post at night when i was told to go to bed so--) 27/2

mkay... so today (thursday)!

after school i had this convo with this dude called josh in the year below me and josh is pretty damn awesome - we've been kind of friendly acquaintances and i say hi to him whenever i see him and he also went to my primary school

i found it so easy to talk to him and he offered me a piece of gum and that was hella rad

then i had to leave

but we talked about fishing and swimming and i made him laugh a couple of times and i've mentioned this so many times bUT MAKING A PERSON LAUGH OR SMILE IS SO COOL


canoe guy passed by where i sat today and i don't know who waved first but we both smiled and waved at each other and.. /hides that was nice


on another note i've been saying hello to different people and i'm happy for that haha


this is entry 21 and i have a lot of homework to do /sob

i hope you guys are having a beautiful time wherever any of you are and reminder to sit up straight and drink water because it's v. good for you!!

/dances away

Monday, 24 February 2014

entry 20

i realised that i forgot to write about some other stuff but now that the whole bush school event thing has been explained, i can focus more on the smaller things.

so i was talking to iggy and iggy's my cutie patootie friend from tumblr and we were talking about feelings and this was what came up:

'i guess there's a difference between liking the cute attention he gives you and actually liking someone? like how there are different types of attraction but i don't know because i've never liked anyone except for /cOUGHS canoe guy but yeah, i know that at camp though i was feeling really confused

because that chest feeling had kind of faded especially when his friends were being ugly butts but i knew that i still liked him because i thought of him all the time and it was just horrible because he was always on my mind somewhere and ugh

but yeah i got really confused because i knew that i liked him so much but the chest feeling wasn't there and i talked to my friend claire and if you read the post already then you know she's the one whose liked the guy for three years+ and she was like

well, i don't get that feeling when i see the guy i like but i know that i like him

and she told me that everyone feels differently and it's okay to be scared but she told me she was pretty sure i liked him because of like, well, everything and she basically just said it's okay

but that chest feeling is there when i actually interact with him it just isn't so much now when i say hello to him because i know that i want to get to know him better and not just be stuck at this fleeting hello stage even though they do make me happy

but yes'

and well, yeah. that's pretty explanatory.

for now i just... i'll try to talk to him more and not be so scared especially because of my overthinking - it results in me putting up these small but prominent walls i guess you could say and it makes me a lot more hesitant when i should just really not think about it so much.

what made me so sure that i still liked him a hella lot was that i could always pick him apart in a crowd or god i don't know maybe that's me /wanting/ to pick him out from a crowd or some shiz but i just always looked for him and when i heard his voice i always kind of perked up and wanted to see him. i guess advice to this would probably be 'don't think about it too much' so i guess i'll do that and go with the flow? /shrugs.

but anyway...

today was the study night thing and i realised that people actually probs studied a hella lot whereas i've always been cruising and only studying for tests and i thought that was normal - to only study maybe a few days before tests and reviewing sometimes - but apparently it's not... /coughs.

i came in with my mum and sat a space from this parent who smiled and said something akin to hey and i nodded politely and smiled.

the teachers told us a lot about japan and it was so cool hearing about what we'd do and i'm pretty damn excited for it and i should probably sign up for a passport soon when ladybug guy/will entered the room with his friend and i was pretty surprised when that guy across from me turned out to be his dad and so will squeezed across and sat next to me and his dad.

all these details are pretty unnecessary so i'll get straight to the point.

basically, my mum had to write something down some time half-way during the debriefing and this was after the students had to get up and fetch the forms so i was just sitting down when she asked me where my diary was so she could rest the sheets on it to write stuff with more ease

so i kind of was like

...wasn't it left on my seat?

so i felt my butt area and i was kind of panicking when--

i spotted the familiar coloured-in words and doodles of my diary cover on will's lap


will was holding his sheets in front of him over my diary and i don't know if he knew he had my diary or not

so minutes passed with mum going where's ur diary

inwardly i was going uhhh weLL will has it and that's awkward like dude my diary looks pretty unique i mean i coloured it in and iunno if his is coloured in but i'm pretty sure the S i turned into a unicorn is pretty different from other s's and well sdfghj i shifted in my seat

and mum asked again

so i was like... leaning over slightly to will and debating how to go about getting my diary back

when slowly will put his papers down

and was like

'...this is your diary isn't it.'

and i was holding back this laugh all of a sudden because i just found it really funny how awkward he sounded

so i replied

'yes, it is.'

and he handed it to me really slowly and i took it back really slowly and then i just sat there kind of inwardly laughing to myself

and i looked back and he was like smiling really sheepishly so i laughed out loud and was like 'you're horrible' and iunno if he heard but he was still smiling

so yeah

that was pretty cool.

i also forgot to mention in the last entry but there were little things that happened at bush school as well. i talked to this guy chris while walking with zara from the beach! i was about to start talking when zara started talking and before i was about to talk about learn to surf when he kind of smoothly gave me the chance when he was like oh yeah, learn to surf, how's that? and i was like chance!! so i kind of felt that he knew how i felt and that was cool and he's really cool and i want to get to know him better!!! :D

speaking of getting to know people better

uhm so today

which is tuesday

oh man y'know i should like add dates to this because i've been on and off writing this post




i was really confused earlier after getting into the car to go home

and that was because i just finished talking to canoe guy


i walked out of science and rounded the corner and canoe guy was a few steps in front of me and throughout walking behind him to the stairs leading to the canteen, i was continuously thinking to myself about how there was nothing to lose if i talked to him

i was just motivating myself to talk to him when finally he reached the stairs so i dashed towards him and ended up slowing beside him near the steps and i was like, hey //canoe guy//!

and canoe guy turned and said hey

and i had no plan, honestly all the questions i was thinking beforehand slipped from my mind

but then canoe guy said how are you

and writing this now i'm smiling because that's nice of him to ask that


but anyway

i was like i'm okay :D

and then i suddenly got a question and i was like hey so did you understand that stuff in science?

and he was like mmm yeah kind of

and i was like really? coz i was failing, especially with the vector thingies

and he was like haha! me and alex argued about that to see who was right

and then he was like

i was right

i'm pretty happy about that




i wish i responded better but he smiled and was so cute

but soon after

i asked him if he knew how to do the vector questions

and he nodded and he told me how to do it and right now i'm kind of just staring at the sheet because he.. kind of inspired me to finish the work but i'm still not really sure how to do it and ugh.

but then i asked him a bit about the flower and he said thank you again and i just asked him if he actually got the message and he responded albeit maybe a bit awkwardly and said yeah, he got it and i was like haha okay

and for a brief moment i was walking in front of him and that reminded me of the time i told him that joke and walked in front of him until i called back that i'd tell him more -- did i mention it in my earlier posts? i'm sure i did, but i walked in front of him until i turned around and said see ya and he also said see ya

and as i was walking away

i was freaking about this feeling earlier but now i'm not but i'll describe it anyway

i hadn't gotten that chest/smothering feeling in a while

but as i was walking away

it wasn't that chest feeling, but rather this.. flittering nervousness that kind of reminds me of a butterfly but not so much as the ones you get in your stomach - it was somewhere near my heart?

i was very confused about that so when i got home i messaged ruby straight away but it wasn't until i was asking claire about it when she said this:

Well maybe the chest thing is a result of not being able to be with someone, like I get it when Sacha gets off the bus and I realise that he doesn't like me, and I'm not really friends with him. The smothering feeling is more painful, so maybe because you're talking and getting closer you don't feel it.

and that reminded me of something

sometime ago, maybe even two years ago or more - i was talking to my friend sophia about my friend brianna and kind of fangirling because brianna told me she got that chest feeling for this dude in the upper years

and sophia was like

no that's only because she can't actually get to know him

in other words

because he's far away


that got me thinking.

and with claire's words i kind of just.... 'oh'.

because i know that i still really


canoe guy

i always want to talk to him and i love seeing him around and those little times where we make eye contact make me breathe in deeply and it's as if it feels like the opposite where i'm breathless which is really weird and i might not be making sense

but god i want to get to know him

i want to talk to him so much haha


uhm, so.. moving on from that subject, today in acting!! it was really fun. i talked a bit to this new girl lizzie who is actually like hella pretty and she's hella cool as well! she and jordan were across the room from me and zara because we had to be in two-people groups to do this activity thing and they were saying something when finally i could make out that lizzie said my trademark was beautiful and i laughed and called back that i'd do one for her too

my trademark being a fabulous drawing of a poopie B)

but yeah!! that was cool hehe. in acting i also talked a bit with this guy called sam who my friend ellie is paired quite well with but yeah i just accidentally took his paper and he made this funny noise and i laughed and was like haha sorry and he grinned

but yeah

i also talked to lenalee today with zara and we talked briefly about marine science which she was doing -- i went to queensland last year and that was pretty fun but yeah, you go to queensland if you do marine science and i'm pretty sure canoe guy's in her class but i'm not sure but lenalee said that her class was mostly year tens and it got me thinking

but i always think a lot so that's not very new

but yeah. lenalee's really pretty! everyone's so beautiful ahhh *0*

but me and zara were talking today about how our friendship group is quite secluded and away from the rest of year

and we were saying how we wanted to kind of.. connect more with the year and go down to the place where they all sit more often so we can actually talk to them

but that's just an idea

a good one though

but anyway

i love people!!

seeing them smile is just so nice.

so on another note my japanese teacher told me i was the chief designer, designing a diary we're bringing to japan.

along with my friend jamilla.



so yes i am quite excited for japan /coughs but hehe.

i'm going to try to say hello to more people tomorrow.

i also got a new bag and it's so pretty it's red and has gold and ahhh and my beautiful bro got me keychains from death note and katekyo hitman reborn and got me a panda hat and a cat bookmark and i'm pretty happy.

i'm.. really happy hehe.

this is entry 20 and my thoughts are all over the place so i might've missed something and i also have to edit last entry because there were lots of typos but uhm.


i'm just.. very happy with everything.

see ya readers! sit up straight and smile because smiles are absolutely beautiful no matter what.