Friday, 11 April 2014

entry 24

to unhappy jesse:

if you're ever unhappy, as the title in front of your name does imply, then remember this:

'no one knows anything for sure. they're just doing the best with what they already have.'

or... well i'm not entirely sure how that will help, but it's a nice quote right? hehehehe B)

and so, today is a tuesday and this happened:

i said hi to canoe guy today after science, and i brought up the subject of science and we were kinda discussing physics for a while because i really failed at it and don't like it that much but then he mused that physics was actually pretty easy, because it was just maths and then i kind of went silent and was like -- yeah... maths is my weakpoint.

but then he laughed and said, well you're good at english. i'm the opposite.

and then i kind of looked at him and was like, 'how do you know i'm good at english?'

and he maybe blinked, and said 'well i was in your class' and i was like ah, yeah, okay then

his head turned then and he suddenly said goodbye to his friend henry and henry said bye and i was walking for a bit and so was the canoe guy and then i looked back for reasons unknown and henry was looking at me maybe in this weird way and then i got unsettled and continued walking

we fell into this silence and then finally i was like

so

step 5

and canoe guy looked intrigued, and responded; step 5? what's that?

and i was like

well

/insert inward nervous laughter

it's saying sorry

and then his smile kind of faltered and 'oh' was his reply

and then i kind of rambled and was like uhm i'm sorry

and he did that thing where he looked down and was like it's okay, and gave me a laugh

and then i was like

by the way nice haircut

because he got a haircut right (obviously--)

and then he smiled and was like, oh, haha thank you! and i said it matches him and then he smiled and was like, it's a soccer cut and okay so maybe i think it's a tad cute he told me that but-- i mean, a soccer cut okay sorry that is pretty adorable, he looked excited-- uh anyway i swear i'm getting over him, but anyway, i smiled and jokingly said it was beautiful to which he laughed a bit

and then i was like

so uhm, yes, i'm sorry if i -- and then at this point he got kind of flighty again, and as i was saying this he was saying something like 'it's okay' and at the same point he got silent and i said 'made you feel as if you should talk to me'

and then he gave me this

laugh

and i'm not sure what to make of it because i'm not sure if he got the gist of what i was saying

and then he said bye really quickly

and maybe that's coz he had a bus to go to or maybe he realised he was as awkward as i realised that i felt really awkward in that moment

and so i nodded and said bye

and then i walked away

and whispered repeatedly to myself, 'that was so awkward' i don't know how many times but as i was walking i went past this boy and he looked at me weirdly but B) oh well but

well yes

life right?

uhm...

so we'll see how this goes.

--

hOW MANY TUESDAYS AGO WAS THAT LOL

uh i think that was around three weeks ago.

the second week, i... went a different way from him because i was uhm nervous and i was silly and well yeah i kind of regret it but /laughs nervously

the last week i was at music camp!! and music camp was beautiful save for the unMENTIONABLE THINGS THAT HAPPENED WHEN A BANDAID INVADED MY frACKLING PERSONAL BUBBLE

okay that sounds really odd but basically /shudders when someone licks you it's the grossest thing UGH

just.. no bandaid. no.


i'll send this after u and i don't think u want that

but seriously, please no more of that idek how you can /deal/ with licking other people's hands like who knows what they've TOUCHED and like URGH /shudders

anyway.

so i haven't updated in quite a long while and i guess i have a lot to tell.

so basically i had this phase where... i uh, i actually can't remember it so maybe if i keep typing it'll pop up in my brain.

uh, so, long story short i found out more about myself through kind of... getting over canoe guy. interesting right? especially since look at what i've done previously; well, at least to me it's interesting how it went away. or at least that's what i say but sometimes i can't trust my own words, hehe.

and when i say that i'm not even meaning it in some deep sense, it's just that my brain or whatever is just hELLA weird whenever it comes to canoe guy /snickers (iunno man, you'd think after 14, nearly 15 years, i'd have gotten used to how silly i am), so. yes.

sooo, to get on with the little stuff:

THIS IS SILLY ANYONE CAN SKIP THIS

i guess i lost interest? i'd said what i wanted to say (although a lot of the littler things are being left unsaid at the moment). and after talking to him for three weeks before that incident plus music camp and all that, i didn't get that feeling anymore. that was maybe mostly due to the fact every time i saw him i felt really bad because of that whole 'obligation' escapade. i guess i associated that obligation with him pitying me and i really hated the idea of that /nods. but it's been 25 posts now, i'm sure you readers know i have the tendency to overthink.

since claire is now like my official confider (along with ruby and katie - katie's also going through the same thing), i told claire after i also informed rubrub, and i had a lot of trouble explaining what i felt without sounding as if i were lamenting so maybe i'll have that same trouble here.

but basically i began feeling indifferent towards him maybe after realising that we are just so, so different. in the way that i explained it to ruby, it's that more often i've been finding i don't think of him much -- that was when the whole obligation thing kind of calmed but was still prominent so maybe i didn't bother to think of him to suppress my uh, face-palm worthy feelings.

nowadays my eyes find him and yeah, he's still um /coughs really pretty (jesus christ, he was wearing a jumper today and it was so weird it was the first time i saw him in one and i guess it is true that you notice the silly random things about the person you're into/were into?) and i wouldn't be surprised that if he initiated something someday i would undoubtedly have to go through that whole liking thing again. but i doubt it so right now i'm feeling HELLA content :D

but the things i do, haha, the flower, the note, the smile thing-- i don't know how many people have done the kinda shiz i've done but... i guess i feel like i need something, maybe something unique, something interesting, a challenge that's also reciprocal - lol what am i saying - maybe not need, but want something that can interest me but also ensures reciprocation? everyone wants reciprocation after all but i think of odd things, i do them, and then i get impatient, so quickly as well.

maybe i judged too quickly with canoe guy because like, if i were in his situation i would be so at a loss for words, but y'know /shrugs i'd just like to return to my care-free life :D

ruby asked me if i was being /that/ person and i was like

lol, well, not... really. it's just how i am. and besides i'd have to keep up won't i?

and i'm just SO weird like i'm not even probably worthy of the things i come up with but i want them anyway

i guess that's being human, but only time will tell

and then after i told claire my thoughts which were VERY disconnected - she understood me anyway, i don't know how she does that, that saint i s2g - she told me exactly what i didn't know i wanted to hear and theeen she told me i should probs tell him but then we talked for a whole lot more and i decided that i don't think telling him is such a good idea (i can literally feel the awkwardness that would ensue if i blurted out something like 'ye so we're NOT rIGHT FOR EACH OTHER LET'S GO OUR DIFFERENT PATHS' and ???) so i'm obviously not going to do that any time soon.

at music camp btw, zara, hazza, ruby and claire were in my cabin and i re-told the story of canoe/shy/boygirl to those friends and who canoe guy was because i figured they deserved to know especially because i came to a deeper understanding of my feelings and all (lol) and well, zara cried for some reason and repeated a lot that i'm brave, but i just do what i do and then there are repercussions so... at the very least, it's safe to say i felt good for telling them (although there are two in my group who don't yet know but i don't think they're that curious anyway). the story took over an hour to tell and hazza got so impatient with who it was but it was... fun to tell.

anyway, i know that if canoe guy did something-- i'm sure i've already said this, something... well something, it'd probably be very easy for me to get those urgh heart feelings back.

anyway, today was a tuesday. so i'd previously decided that i'd probably talk to him about photography and stuff because that's his hobby (he has this fb page and uhm when i say i seriously didn't investigate his fb profile ((...although when i first liked him i looked at his profile pictures of his face to ensure that yes i was uhM Y'know and no i was not imagining it but LET's NOT GO THERE)) i mean it, i saw his friend like the page and then i was like wait i know those initials and then well yes jfc) and well this tuesday i was gonna do it and a short while after i'd walked out of science, my friends and i separated and canoe guy was walking in front of me and before that as we were actually exiting the classroom, he'd looked back at me and maybe it was a questioning look as if asking i'd come up to him again or maybe i'm looking into things but i smiled at him and he blinked and smiled back and that was probably the first time we'd acknowledged each other since before music camp (although i was running to my friends at luna park yesterday - for science we went to luna park B) - and we met eyes and i waved and he waved).

uhm so i kinda went off track there, but i looked at claire who was walking away and she was looking at me and her eyes were like alit determinedly and she mouthed 'go' or something akin to that and that spurred me on so

i basically ran up beside him and we said hey and then we settled into this silence as i searched for something to say.

as soon as i was about to ask a question, he also began saying something so i quietened and let him speak and we basically made small talk about the new topic we started - biology - today and it was... fun to kind of jab at how bad i was at phsyics. he'd asked me if i thought biology would be easier and i was like of course! and he looked at me and was like ...really? and i was like lol dude, that's not even a question. and he began talking about how hard biology was gonna be and i countered with how hard physics was and then his friend showed up and this is where things got kinda awkward, heh.

he started talking to.. let's call him coach because he's my referee at basketball funnily enough (have i mentioned him before?), well he started talking to coach and i kinda stuck around for a bit until his other friend popped up and they all started talking so i was like... /turns around slowly... /starts walking.... hesitantly... /walks....

and i had no idea what to do then but i didn't want to make things awkward for him by just standing there, so uh... yes.

i walked down the stairs and then i saw that bandaid so i walked up and said hello because i still had time before going to walk down to where i'm usually picked up and i kind of wanted to say goodbye to canoe guy but waiting would be a bit...

so i said hello to the bandaid and then he BRANDISHED HIS HANDS OR WHATEVER AND I KNEW WHAT HE WAS GONNA DO SO I RAN AWAY BEFORE HE COULD but then as i was kinda going 'doN'T U DARE TOUCH ME' canoe guy came down the stairs and bandaid was doing his thing and i met canoe guy's eyes and i was like-- /small smile?? cya and he kind of nodded and said bye and then i jabbed the bandaid in the side (at least i think i did).

but well, yeah.

after that

i walked down to the place i got picked up at and well

i wonder why i was smiling?

i guess it's because canoe guy kind of carried the conversation or who even knows. it... felt nice talking to him and haha i really want to talk to him again and about more stuff.

/sigh.

he... looks.... nice???? in a jumper???

aNYWAy 'm going to move on from this topic.

if i have any readers out there who aren't my actual real life friends, then you guys are so rad.

so, let me talk about my friends.

i've mentioned them a lot before, so they deserve to be written about yo B)

so i'm part of this group and we call ourselves the pandas for some reason; maybe because we sit next to bamboo but hey, the name stuck.

i'LL start with claire-bear - the NICEST CHICKA, as i've already described her, YOU WILL EVER MEET. a few years ago i probably would have never have guessed how sassy she was or how good she was to talk to and especially her ability to reason and look at the big picture which has helped me so much throughout the year, simply because we didn't talk much maybe because we were all settling in and there wasn't really any reason to. it's so wonderful to talk to her because as we're both on the shy side, i found out we actually understand each other so much especially when it came to senpais and wanting to get to know people-- and she really is like my big sis. it's so weird how easy it seems for her to be able to keep me calm and reassure me and give me a gentle push to where i need to be - i swear she's probably the only person who can actually steady me (exception being katie who steadies me also, but not so much with logic-- i'll explain later and ruby who has the ability to kind of... provide an observation even if it doesn't help that much, it's always appreciated). her random stories which are often absolutely pointless could be considered highlights of my dreary days /wink wonk.

guy is SO NOT RAD omfg and among a lot of other things he's a bandaid and ugh what an assbutt but okay, pushing aside all the things he does because he likes to see me frustrated and everything bad in the world, he's.... surprisingly a sweetie at heart (he does random weird things that make u go what the heck bandaid??? in a good way ofc), lol well, probably at the veeerry most (i'm kidding but this is payback for fORGETTING ME). his concept of playing with hair is different from my mum's and like the others who have actually played with my hair and i prefer the others. /snickers. seriously though. also doN'T YOU DARE COME NEAR ME WITH DIRTY HANDS OR I WILL JAB YOU INTO NEXT WEEK. B( - so anyway good things (lol what good things) to say about him is that he's fun to talk to, fun to banter with and so not fun to be around when he's set on suffocating you with his yaoi hands (thank u for putting up with me).

ruby is someone who really is subjected to all my weirdness because i tell her about everything i've encountered and especially through the first years, she was my first actual friend and i'm quite sure i was in this puppy stage - scared to venture to anyone else so i clung to her. so i'm sorry for that! but she's also my rival for japanese, person to just relax with, probably the most 'nature-y' person in the whole group and there are so many adventures we've been through together so we go a fair way back B) anD I DON'T THINK I CAN STRESS HOW MUCH SHE LOOKS LIKE A DOLL WHAT WITH ROSY CHEEKS PALE SKIN TONE BEAUTIFUL EYES /SOB but one thing that is really so beautiful is that i can always fangirl to her about anything -- absolutely anything, even taking a dump -- and she'll just accept it and that means a lot to me because we're always gonna be buddies /BUDDY FIST BUMP. even if she doesn't have the same magic wisdom as claire, she's still so understanding and she's always there for me and that's pretty damn amazing. i'm so grateful for everything she's done for me and with me hehe

ellie is SO BEAUTIFUL. when i was in year seven and eight i admit i was kind of.... i didn't talk to her much and she's a very blunt person and her bluntness can be a double-edged sword and so i didn't think i'd get along with her that much because at that point in time but i'm actually so silly because i look back and she actually wasn't all that scary as i made her out to be. she's actually such a cookie -- seemingly brittle on the outside but the inside is a fangirl and cutie and it's pretty awesome tbh. she's also my go-to sherlock partner in crime because we both adore benedict cumberbatch. have i mentioned sherlock in this post? i should probs, but this'll be a quick blog post and i'll have to summarise the rest of my friends later when i have time but i wanted to get this blog post out! (also brother hello if you're reading this).

this is a quick blog post!! but the next should come up soon!

i've made some hella new friends and it's awesome!! also acting is AMAZING. i did a performance today!

so, bye friends, this is entry 24, i hope good comes your way.


Tuesday, 11 March 2014

entry 23

rebecca is a bronze butt.

science was hella.

in basketball today, after the game ended and we all shook hands with the opposing team, this girl - number 6 - went up to me and was like hey you were really fast! and i was like ???? and she was like you were really good and i just ;v; because our team lost (but we're getting better??? maybe) but she smiled and left and i was like ;v; THAT'S SO nicE /sOB ahh wow

but anyway sCIENCE IS so fun nowadays

bronze butt keeps drawing on my science book though but we're doing this tally on every time our teacher says 'isn't that true'

it's been two days since i made this draft and i've been talking to a lot of random people lately but now it feels normal to be doing that so that's why i haven't documented each and every one

odd, right? :D

i said hello and goodbye to this dude today in non-sports

and i've been talking to bronze butt more and we're pretty good friends now if i say so myself

and i've been saying hello to random people

and i've got a new plan. my plans are always made up really abruptly but it's to do with canoe guy.

but before that it's really funny because i have science and geography with him and i'm not good at science except for biology and we're doing physics and that's like maths and science put together and deaR LORD but i don't like geograpyh either and yet

i look forward to them

i'm so weird

anyway

the plan.

it's 5 steps; 5 things.

today i went to the doctor and he asked me what the most beautiful thing in the world was (it was a really abrupt question and idek why he asked it and it caught me off-guard until finally-) and i answered 'relationships'. family, friends, lovers /shrugs. all of that is beautiful. and he said it was a really smart answer. ??? i don't know why he asked me that but yeah that was just a thing today.

anyway, the plan.

oh wait, before that: this BEAUTIFUL quote:

"I love being horribly straightforward. I love sending reckless text messages (because how reckless can a form of digitized communication be?) and telling people I love them and telling people they are absolutely magical humans and I cannot believe they really exist. I love saying 'kiss me harder' and 'you're a good person' and 'you brighten my day'. I live my life as straightforward as possible. Because one day I might get hit by a bus. Maybe it's weird. Maybe it's scary. Maybe it seems impossible to just be - to just let people know you want them, need them, feel like, in this very moment, you will die if you do not see them, hold them, touch them in some way whether its your feet on their thighs on the couch or your tongue in their mouth or your heart in their hands. But there is nothing more beautiful than being desperate. And nothing is more risky than pretending not to care. We are young and we are human and we are beautiful and we are not as in control as we think we are. We never know who needs us back. We never know the magic that can arise from ourselves and other humans. We never know when the bus is coming."
yes.

also today i went to see the school play and it was adorable so many otps and shipping and ahh

and this girl said hi to me today!! (i edited this part because apparently her nickname is meerkat but i don't know wHAT THAT REFERS TO OR ANYTHING??? OR WAIT NO I DO NOW okay so her name is meerkat and she's really cool and nice i wanna get to know her better!! :D)

and i talked to this girl today as well let's call her chia

and we were talking about the school play because at the end there was a gay couple, these two dudes and they were getting married along with all the other couples and when they kissed the audience let out this huge cheer and chia was like

oH YEAH LOL they weren't actually supposed to kiss

and i was like woah, so it was unplanned?

and she was like haha yeah!

and well

/shimmies

rOMANCE

or rather

acTING

because i think one of the dudes has a gf but

it was pretty adorable, all the couples hehe.

sooo. the plan. /laughs.

uHM sooo firstly i may be a masochist and i s2g baNDAID dON't YOU DARE BRING THIS UP but this is probably going to work as reverse psychology but i FCUKIGN sWEAR.

but let me explain lol.

i do really spontaneous things and i don't know what they lead to at first but after i do them i have this period of aH HECKIE DOODLE SNAP WHY THE HELL DID I DO THAT. but then there's this little part of me going

hehehehe (imagine a twisted voice laughing)

isn't this interesting though?

and then that same part goes

you've done it now so yolo it man, do the yolo

and it shimmies at me and well

that's how everything's been going so far, heh.

uHM BUT:

'Well, I've read through four entries now and I'm just going to say.. You've really changed since I met you tbh. You used to be super shy (remember when you couldn't talk to Brandon haha) but now you've opened up to so many people and I think, "oh my god, that's OUR JESSE!" It was pretty amazing to me.'

um yes that maybe made my night... /flops forever

and UHM IT IS 11/3/14 now and i was writing this yesterday but now i'll tell you guys about the plan because i did an important thing today.

step 1: /laughs nervously.
well, okay this step was basically.. y'know that feeling you get when you see the sun rise or set? or maybe when you're out at night and see the stars in the sky without light pollution clouding most of them. it's maybe a feeling of 'wow' lol but mostly it's the warmth. you know, that warm feeling? i don't know how to explain it in much detail hehe, but yeah. uhm.... well can you feel what's coming up, readers? guess why i'm telling this to you but if you can't then you'll find out when i recount what happened today haha.
step 2: i like you lel
step 3: i'm also gonna get over u
step 4: so in order to do that i want to get to know you haHA weird rIGHT (you'll see my reasoning tho hah)
step 5: on uhm, tuesdays y'know how you walk alone and we both walk the same way y'know just if you want to then do you maybe want to walk with me

i look back at this plan now and iunno why it seemed to great but ????

so

after science today, i said goodbye to claire and bec and i have no idea where chanse went she's very elusive

obviously you guys should know he walks the same way i do as always and well he was about 2 metres in front of me and started talking to sam who is heLLA rad (he's in my acting class) - i think i've mentioned him before and i'd like to get to know him more hehe but um

i kind of faltered there but not really? it's an odd feeling to be hesitant of disturbing someone but sam eventually started talking to his other friend and canoe guy was just straying off to the side and getting his bus pass out when i went up to him and was like hey, /insert name and he was like oh, hey

and i was like okay so, i have five things to tell you

and he looked amused and was like, what are these five things?

and we started walking down the stairs to the canteen

before i began on step one i was like okay so this is mostly me improvising...

and then i began talking about sunsets and sunrises and i was rambling to him and then he interrupted and was like 'sunsets don't rise y'know' and i gave him this 'omg' look and he grinned and was like haha sorry. i haven't seen a sunset in a while but i think i get what you mean.

and i was like hm.. and for some reason i could get the words out of my mouth so i panicked slightly and said

hey, i know a better way to say this

and he was like ?

and i said

i don't like science. and i'm terrible at geography, haha. but i look forward to them anyway.

and then i kind of smiled sheepishly and was like, number two!

and i was like this is kind of...

and at that point he'd gone into this maybe anticipating silence as if he felt like he knew what was coming

and i was like /sigh okay well i really like you

and he went silent for a moment.

his head was bowed and he was smiling as he said thank you

'thank you'

jfc

but then number three -

i began with: don't worry though! number three, well, haha i'm uh.. i'm going to get over you

and i didn't give him much time to respond as we finally walked down the stairs to the bus stops and went right into step four. i said, ummm so in order to do this i want to get to know you (or maybe i didn't say this because my memory is fuzzy for some reason /sob) and well

i was like so on tuesdays..

and we were both standing there and he was like, tuesdays?

so i kind of nodded and was like.. uhm, on tuesdays.. if you want - and by this point i was looking away and my hand had come up to my face haha nervous habit - since we walk the same way, wanna walk with me? if you want--

and then he nodded

and smiled and i don't know what to think of that smile

and i think he was like sure

and then i was like

o..okay... see ya

because i'm pretty sure he needed to get to his bus

but his smile was present as he said bye

and well. yeah.

in the afternoon (it's 11pm right now) i was still jittery and especially when ruby told me that he'd probably think about me a lot afterwards

haha

right.

and then i got really haHAHAHAHAhahahdhasdahdfwqeWQe?? about the fact that i really don't know if i can keep my word about getting over him or not, haha. and i have geography and science tomorrow and just those words remind me how i said i look forward to those classes because of him and HahAHaha oh dear lord i'm too.... i say these things and they're terrible ;;

and that's when i told my cookie friend, who i will affectionately label forever as cookie, and she's seriously like iunno my informer of random things because she's kinda 'in' with a lot of people

but

so basically

firstly this happened:

'Actually
On Sunday at volunteering /lenalee/ asked me if you liked him well i'm gonna get over him/shimmies and i just like shrugged uhm but i think and she said /lenalee/ would go well with him that /canoeguy/ kinda feels obliged to talk to you or whatever idk nooo, she doesn't like him she just asked because you and claire walked passed us and i was like "oh looks it's jesse and claire" i think /fish/ and /canoeguy/ have spoken to her about it that's interesting i wonder how i'm going to fix that thanks for telling me bri /kisses ur forehead'

and uhm i had this feeling of dread throughout that whole convo LOL and i'm really not as calm as i portray to dear cookie and then this came second:

Ah Jesse Tran 18:45 Jesse Tran ye Claire 18:45 Claire That's a little bit bad Jesse Tran 18:45 Jesse Tran a little bit yeah UM SO huh. maybe i should just not now? i mean the tuesday thing wOULD JUST MAKE HIM FEEL EVEN MORE OBLIGATEd SHIT claire i did not expect this so i don't know what to do Claire 18:46 Claire Look, don't worry about it. You've done the plan, and the way he reacted was wonderful. Jesse Tran 18:46 Jesse Tran not sure even your wisdom will help me nuy but obligated claire that's claire obligated he'll feel even more obligated now the tuesday thing fuck wow i should just never have done anything but then there's this part of me saying no it's okay that you did stuff but you.. i really i'm so silly Claire 18:47 Claire Hey, don't worry. There's nothing you can do. Just maybe see if he talks to you first during the week, and if he does, that's a good sign. Jesse Tran 18:48 Jesse Tran but i don't think he will claire i don't know Claire 18:48 Claire But how does /lenalee/ know that he felt obligated? Jesse Tran 18:48 Jesse Tran bri says /fish/ and /canoeguy/ probs talked to her about it since they're friends and all but it's very likely Claire 18:49 Claire Hmmm Jesse Tran 18:49 Jesse Tran but i mean she asked if i liked him so obvs she must've got a tip off y'know? but uhm Claire 18:50 Claire I don't think so, maybe she's just observant Jesse Tran 18:51 Jesse Tran i think the possibility that there was a talk is more likely haha Claire 18:52 Claire You know what? Because you've done the plan I think you're now obligated to talk to him. And I think if you don't, he'll wonder what he did wrong. So talk to him for the next week or so, then back off. Still smile at him and stuff, just wait for him to start the conversation which he will do if he genuinely wants to talk to you. Jesse Tran 18:53 Jesse Tran so the worst scenario would be in the next few weeks nothing happens and basically we forget? Claire 18:54 Claire Well it's your job now to make sure that doesn't happen. This opportunity can't be lost! Jesse Tran 18:54 Jesse Tran but what if i just screw things up? like if i make sure it doesn't happen isn't that me making him feel even more obliged? i'm..... starting to envy your situation, kind of now since i do really spontaneous things sure they're 'brave' but thinking about it in the victim's pov it would make them feel obliged but you've done baby steps while i'm kind of jumping back and forth if that makes sense Claire 18:58 Claire No, just talk to him about stuff that he seems to enjoy. And if he does feel obligated to talk to you then you can figure out what happens after that. But remember, you're not supposed to know this so you can't suddenly not say anything to him after what happened today. Jesse Tran 18:58 Jesse Tran i don't know how you can even still be giving me advice because i don't think many people have even been in this situation ugh yeah, i know /sigh Claire 18:59 Claire But you never know, this was before you told him so things probably have changed now. Jesse Tran 18:59 Jesse Tran i don't.. think they would have changed.............? ??? Claire 18:59 Claire They could have! You never know And don't start making assumptions because they can really hurt everything Jesse Tran 19:00 Jesse Tran h ughghghughuuuuuuu i'm kinda laughing what a situation Claire 19:01 Claire Yeah, I'm not envying your position right now. But you have to "work the problem" and everything will be all fine and dandy Just take one step at a time. Jesse Tran 19:03 Jesse Tran 'work the problem' sigh i really don't know haha Claire 19:03 Claire It's all you can do right now, and this is just one tiny little hiccup in the whole scheme of things. Jesse Tran 19:04 Jesse Tran right Claire 19:04 Claire Remember that! It's no big deal! Jesse Tran 19:04 Jesse Tran ... sdfgyjh Claire 19:04 Claire Just one thing that has to be ironed out And you can fix it by talking to him for the next week. And another idea might be to talk to him straight up about this. Jesse Tran 19:05 Jesse Tran didn't you just say that remember that i'm not supposed to know this? ;; but sdfgh that;'s what i was thinking or well not really like 'confront him' confront him but more like remind him that like he doesn't have to feel obliged to talk to me but in uh subtle words i don't know asdfgh Claire 19:06 Claire Well you can say that you hope you're not making him feel obliged or something casual Yes exactly!!! Jesse Tran 19:07 Jesse Tran wow guhhfdsdfasdfghd i don't know Claire 19:07 Claire Mmm What do you think you should do? Jesse Tran 19:07 Jesse Tran haha i don't even know i think the thought that'll go through my head all night will be 'wow i'm so silly' since i can't seem to stop thinking it asdfgh but thank you a lot your presence is calming asdfgh Claire 19:09 Claire Well I guess the choice is not talking to him because someone told you he feels obligated, or keep talking to him and having convos with him because you JUST CONFESSED (yay!) and then subtly reminding him. To me, that's your choices. Jesse Tran 19:10 Jesse Tran wow LOL i feel like you're passive-aggressively ordering me to talk to him hahaha Claire 19:10 Claire Haha, anytime I hope I can help you Jesse Tran 19:10 Jesse Tran in a good way Claire 19:10 Claire Maybe I am /wiggles eyebrows Jesse Tran 19:10 Jesse Tran LOL because you don't want me to screw things up even more, huh ugh i have to think Claire 19:11 Claire No! I just want you to be happy and I don't think you'll be happy ignoring him. Jesse Tran 19:11 Jesse Tran i don't think i'd ignore him LOL more like do something stupid but i don't think i will i don't know how i'll do this /sigh Claire 19:12 Claire I don't think you will. You made the right choice to tell him today, and I think you'll make the right choice in figuring out a way to fix this small problem. Jesse Tran 19:13 Jesse Tran you have quite a lot of faith in me ;; /sobs and clings to you Claire 19:13 Claire /hugs You'll make the right choice! Jesse Tran 19:13 Jesse Tran i really hope i do /flops on you Claire 19:14 Claire You will! /becomes flop support Jesse Tran 19:15 Jesse Tran /sighs forever /flops on you forever can i just turn into a potato i'm sure potatoes have easier lives Claire 19:15 Claire /hugs tightly No because I eat a lot of potatos That's not allowed Jesse Tran 19:16 Jesse Tran but potatoes probably like being turned into mash potatoes and stuff Claire 19:17 Claire Maybe you'll get eaten raw by a crazy man Jesse Tran 19:17 Jesse Tran raw..... poate.o............... i think that'll happen to only one in a million potates excuse U Claire 19:17 Claire Okay well I have to go have dinner but I will be back soon! Jesse Tran 19:18 Jesse Tran okay.. i'll have a shower afgjk

and then

Claire Back! Jesse Tran 19:54 Jesse Tran Yo!! Claire 20:21 Claire Hi! Jesse Tran 20:21 Jesse Tran so i had a bath just before and it was a long bath and i was just thinking that i'm.. alright now because i've kinda always played with the idea that he might feel obliged to talk to me haha i guess hearing that he really did and that /lenalee/ knew and bri was probs thinking i'm an idiot kind of hit me hehe but hey i was like /lenalee/ would probs go well with him and bri was like noooo she doesn't like him i guess that's one thing i found out LOL but i'm kinda i just want to clear things up haha i'm a silly potato tho Claire 20:24 Claire Haha, well I'm glad you've had a chance to think through things. Jesse Tran 20:24 Jesse Tran thank you haha Claire 20:24 Claire And I'm glad you're okay with what's happened. I know it's a pain, but it's not the end. Jesse Tran 20:25 Jesse Tran i just kinda feel sorry for him a bit hahaha he has to put up with my spontaneity Claire 20:26 Claire Well spontaneity is supposed to be cute to guys so.... /wink wonk Jesse Tran 20:26 Jesse Tran ............ /shakes head at you right, claire, LOL just like husky voices aye LOL pretty sure i sounded like blocked nose and everything but hey /shimmies Claire 20:28 Claire LOL ah well /wiggles Jesse Tran 20:28 Jesse Tran /dances Claire 20:29 Claire /goes to have a shower I'm sorry Jesse Tran 20:29 Jesse Tran no problemo amigo

and i felt way better than before.

and then i was talking to katie the nerd coz she fINALLY went online and then well, she always manages to make me feel even more better by just being a nerd so i'm really grateful for that.

her opinion is always so unique and always helpful and so is everyone's and i could gather these 15 things from response:

1: boys are alien and lenalee is telling bs (which i really don't think lenalee would do because she's hella nice however katie's a very blunt person who always speaks her mind and so her view can be harsh)
2. i'm not normal
3. he's definitely struggling with his thoughts right now because although my plan was good it put him on the spot a bit much and I'm SDFGDSFHG
4. apparently he's probs intrigued by me
5. he smiled at me, quote 'stop ignoring the facts woman'
6. i do take leaps and bounds and then retreat
7. she honestly thinks it went well
8. apparently he had a positive attitude because 'he didn't shoot me down or reject me' but pretty sure he's just being polite
9. thinking about what will happen is pointless (speaking from experience) - quote by her
10. i may not give him enough time to sort his own feelings out and i have to be careful of rushing things
11. she has 'absolute confidence' that he does not feel obliged to talk to me ... from her perspective, apparently because he's done nothing to infer that (but LOL i'm pretty sure he's felt it at points)
12 is sILLY
13. boys don't do things they don't like and they don't think 'that way' (which claire agrees with apparently but iunno i have proof that boys are exactly like girls in some aspects)
14 is aLSO VERY SILLY
15: there's a certain limit to being polite - in reference to him being 'polite'

and well

"Hey, I don't think he was being polite. I think he was just reflecting what he was feeling."

also

"Mostly valid points! I completely agree that his reaction was great because even though it might seem like he was just being polite, it's hard to cover your feelings in a situation like that. So I think whatever reaction you got was genuine."

so UHM maybe i'm putting these quotes on my blog because they reassure me and i don't know what other comment to make except haha i really am yoloing it and that my friends are so beautiful, i really don't know what i'd do without them.

the main people i actually go to for advice is ruby, claire and katie. the others i don't because i can't contact them so don't feel left out, anyone reading that's not them.

ruby is grounded, claire's logical and katie's feeling.

they're opinions all matter so much to me and so i kind of gather them and make my own.

soo anyway, my reasoning for /coughs getting over him is that okay, so i'm done with all that 'i have to tell anyone i like them because it's sad when you keep it in for a long time' and 'liking is such a precious feeling, that's why i think it's best you do eventually tell that object of all that affection you like them'-- and also that the reason i want to get to know him is so that afterwards i'm not just regretting the fact that... well, i don't know how to put it. my cousin asked me yesterday why and i told her something and she nodded thoughtfully at it but i can't remember what my response was. i guess i'm pretty selfish in this way and because i don't think of consequences much, i plan to apologise to canoe guy soon and really set things straight because i feel like someone 'feeling obliged' is similar to 'pitying'. and pity is an interesting thing but it's also pretty horrible to be the victim of it.

but my cousin told me i'd just like him even more because i'd probably find qualities that i can relate to and i was like that's a very valid point and then that is a huge flaw in my plan but then i justified it and i can't REMEMBER IT so i'm gonna think about that tonight asdfg

but

todAY!!

i was bantering with bandaid today and i was in the middle of calling him 'homebrand' when this girl, nickname: star, laughed out loud at us and i was like ohh hey!! and then i started talking to her and then i was walking with za and she was going the same way we were so i invited her to walk with us until she parted and hehe i feel pretty proud of that

i also talked to more people in my acting class today and bandaid tried to massage my shoulders and that was TERRIFYING. i can massage better btw B) since i'm like trained not even kidding yo huehuehue. vietnamese aunty and dad benefits, they both learnt how to massage hehe.

i've also been talking to my penpal shupao more and this guy i meant on tumblr; carlos. carlos and i bond because we're both shy people and he tells me about his crush and it's adorable haha. shupao will always be hella rad though.

i was also talking to bronze butt today more and it's so great because i'm like her science buddy and she's my science buddy and our sass wars are always so interesting hehe. she ALSO LIKES MUSIC I LIKE AND IT's SO GREAT BECAUSE WE SING TOGETHER :D

oh AND ALSO IN SCIENCE my friend threw a pen at me and i missed and this guy started laughing and i looked at him and kind of gave him this B( wut u doin mate and he laughed harder and i was like excuse you and then my friend needed to know the time and i was like oh hey, what's the time? and he smiled and gave the time and he was hella

also i said hi to this guy in my year today, who zara commented was 'the hottest in our year' LOL but yeah. he smiled and it was gr8.

i don't think i can go to basketball tomorrow because i'm sick haha but i want to watch (i don't think i'm allowed though which sucks)

i probably have a lot more to write but it's late and i'm sick and i have to go to sleep because parents be flipping tables heh.

also, jamilla, you're beautiful.

so this is entry 23!! the walking dead is SUCH A BEAUTIFUL GAME i wish episodes came out more often but clementine is my fav and my heart is still whispering a soft 'no' at the ending of the first season.

'still into you' is a good song. oh i also volunteered for tri the gong on the weekend and i was basically directing pedestrians out of the athlete's way and this random dude came up to me and was like 'hey you!! you were doing a really good job, nice work!' and that was so beautiful, haha

so, have an amazing day any readers of mine. reminder to sit up straight and drink water and eat apples because you don't want to be sick. be grateful for your clear airways /nods gravely.

bye bye! :D

Saturday, 1 March 2014

entry 22

SO HERE'S A PICTURE FROM BUSH SCHOOL I AM V. HAPPY ABOUT:


i am the asian wearing the blue hoodie /nods

and it goes, from left to right: claire, harriet, zara, rebecca, myself, sam, s'nay and ruby

/sends love to all

aND LOL so, okay looking back at my older blog posts i realise that i never explained how canoe guy got his name (and that i have so many typos i need to fix /shudders)

but long story short: he helped me carry a canoe in year 9 camp.

after canoeing, me and ruby had to carry our canoe back to the shed when this dude came up to my side and just slid the canoe out of my hands and i kind of just stood there and blinked and was like 'oh... thank you...?' and canoe guy nodded or maybe he grunted but anyway, lol, that was the first time i noticed him (senpai notice me).

he was in my group at camp and thus we had all our activities together and honestly, i didn't know his name or that he even existed before he helped me carry that canoe so sometimes i reminisce and sulk because if he hadn't helped me carry that canoe i wouldn't be fussing uselessly over him in the first place, y'know. fun fact: at camp we had this activity where there was this web with lots of shapes of different sizes and you had to work together with your whole group and use each hole once to fit a person through it - everyone had to get to the other side. so the small people went through the small holes first and since i'm one of the small-ish people, everyone allocated me this small area near the top of the web and since canoe guy is tall all his friends were shouting his last name and nudging him to carry me and well he did and i remember his hands around my waist haHAHA oh god

but yeah. canoe guy is canoe guy because he helped me carry a canoe and that at school i started noticing him more and more and suddenly the interactions we had became extremely precious to me --all the little things became bigger things-- and well, here i am now.

yeah, he's beautiful. /sigh.

so recently claire has been telling me stories about her senpai and how recently she's made a lot of progress and all this is making me smile because look how far she's come. i think it's really, really beautiful and i'll never stop thinking that people who are liked or hell, loved, are very very lucky. i really hope more good things come her way because she really deserves it.

also, my unsticky bandaid of a friend guy made a blog and APPARENTLY I NSPirED HIM /caCKLES

so he also knows my blog now and i have no idea if he plans to make it a routine to check my blog but

okay so

trigger: self harm

i went to a party yesterday

remember entry 14? with 'ames'? she changed her name but i'll keep it as ames for the sake of keeping her identity private.

she gave me a letter and i read yesterday and well, she got more blades and she says sorry but she says she hasn't used them as much as she used to before.

yeah... haha. i didn't expect her to break from the habit entirely and well

i'll stray from my opinion but i met her friends yesterday and i know she's in good hands now and the only thing i can really do is hope that she'll get out of the habit of hurting herself

i just

okay moldy tomato, are you reading this right now? because if you are i know i've probs made you uncomfortable by addressing you or some shit but you're a moldy tomato and i just

obviously i don't want you to turn to self harming

of course i don't want you to turn to cutting

of course

because it's something that-

i don't know if i'm describing it well because i'm not too well-versed in things like this but

i just

if there's a chance i can stop you from starting it then i want to take it because i feel like cutting/self-harming is something that envelopes you and i don't want you to fall deeply into it; to feel bad that you're doing it to yourself and to feel guilty and beat yourself up when your friends are worried about you but still do it anyway because for some reason you can't help it

i don't know much of your story, you pencil

so my words may not mean much and they probs won't do much

but if it counts

i want you to be happy and i want you to be safe and i want you to not hurt yourself when you're feeling down or anything negative

because /coughs even though you've called me a paperclip and the eraser that everyone loses and other names, i feel really lucky to have you as a friend because like in my other blog post, you really do make life interesting and i love telling people about you being a child trafficker and constantly molesting my hair and my hands and making comments about how i'm short/small; you make me wanna tell stories about you and i don't want your story to turn into something sad

i'm probably going too far into it or something but there you go

those are my thoughts and yolo because this is my hella personal diary

but yes

i went to a party yesterday!! and met lots of ame's new friends and one thing about her is that i don't think knows that she has this ability to bring people together. or that's just how it seems to me.

but her friends were all awesome and this guy luke kept dancing with me and everyone else ofc but he was interesting and cool hehe

and seth was fabulous

and i didn't talk to many of them but i'm glad for ames

there was a lot of hair stroking and omg one major thing was that there was this couch and there was this system that if you were in a position closer to the arm of the couch you were of high status so everyone aimed to be the highest and that caused a lot of chaos and dog-piling and i was crushed and maimed a couple of times but no big deal

aND I'LL NEVER SAY IT OUT LOUD BUT... when people play with your hair... uwu.... it's a nice feeling....

i like it when people pat my head asdfgh neVER say it out loud but it's like

well my senpai senpai as in my big bro but not actually dude simon in uni now pats my head whenever he sees me and it's like ;v;

i don't know how to explain it but it makes me happy

but asdSDFG

note: u diarrhoea apocalypse, guy, if you're reading this don't use it against me or i will karate chop u with my ninja skillz

samson by regina spektor is a beautiful song btw

and i have a picture of my friends sleeping and leaning on each other at the party but it's really bad quality but here it is

lucy, ruby smiling like the creeper she is, guy the bandaid, kai actually sleeping and claire
 ah and here are the wings i drew for ames though they were unfinished when i took the picture--


and this is entry 22 and i really like pineapples but not the actual pineapples, only the ones you find in the can soaked in syrup/juice because the real pineapples somehow makes your tongue feel weird if you eat too much and that feeling is horrible

i hope you readers have a beautiful day and remember that you're fabulous and i hope good things come your way

thank you for reading!!

ah and happy march because it's the second and march just started and well happy march!!

Thursday, 27 February 2014

entry 21

26/2

maths was my first class today--

BUT WAIT I FORGOT TO SAY SOMETHING about when i got back from bush school it's really little but basically noir was sitting across from me on the bus and on the bus ride home she was like hey jesse

and i was like oh, yeah?

and she replied you're like my role model now, you have such a good voice

and i kind of embarrassedly replied with a thank you

but i was really happy

and later as we were getting off the bus, i went up to her and was like hey noir! and she was like yeah? and basically i just told her that she was inspirational as well and she laughed and was like how so? and i was like well, you talk to a lot of people and you make it seem really easy and she laughed again and hugged me and told me i was cute

but i really meant it

noir talks to a lot of people with ease and it's so cool because she's a genuinely nice person and i kind of aspire to be like her

but anyway

maths was my first class today and i came in and sat down and was waiting for claire: maths buddy to show up and class had already started when the teacher was like HEY (what should i call the dude i guess i'll call him jude because jude is a cool name) jUDE SIT OVER HERE BECAUSE UR DISRUPTING THE CLASS

and she pointed to the empty seat beside me

and i was like o...h

and then he came up and sat next to me was kinda like 'sup as he sat down and i kind of nodded and smiled a bit

but when claire entered the classroom

i swear to god maybe it wasn't telepathic but i locked eyes with her and deep within me there was a horrified whisper of 'no' because she was left alone and i was also kind of left alone to fend for myself because i've never really talked to jude because he's well, also that type of far away person y'know?

so we stayed hella silent for a long time

when i got up to this question

and it was horrible but i could do it but at the same time i was stuck on one part of it

and i knew that jude had nearly finished the worksheet because he asked the teacher for help on question ten when i was still on question six (sob)

so after a LONG while of hesitating on whether or not to ask him but i knew i should because talking is a good thing and talking to new people is a beautiful thing

i was like

hey... jude

and he turned to me

and i was like, do you know how to do this question?

and he was like oh

and helped me out with it

and i kind of got it but kind of didn't but it gave me hints on how to do it

and i was like thank you

but really softly and that was accidentally and he kind of just nodded and went back to his work

but then i found out the formula and was like oh!! thank you! again and he made this noise of acknowledgement

uh

it was a very short interaction but i felt proud of myself for having the guts but then one thing that i've noticed since the first time i saw him was that he is also a pretty dude

and so after class ended

he was walking out

and by the time i got up i'd already made up my mind because there was this one thing and hey, i'll post a picture here:

yeah.

/laughs nervously.

that's what was motivating me and so i went up to him and was like yo jude

and he was like ?? yeah..?

and i was like you're very pretty

and then slowly

he smiled

and god smiles are so beautiful

and in an amused tone, he said thank you.

so yeah.

i just thought people think about other people so much and passing thoughts would be 'wow how pretty' but they're never told for some reason even though they'd make the other person feel fab so i guess i was like hey why don't i just say this because smiles are wonderful

so yeah i did.

science today was also really fun.

reBECCA IS THE SASS MASTER I SWEAR TO GOD BUT SHE's SO FABULOUS OMFG

like okay

this was just one thing but she was getting the equipment for an experiment and the teacher was like bending over and talking to this student and she was trying to get past him

and i noticed that and she was just standing there really awkwardly and then i started laughing

and she made eye contact with me and then scrunched her face up and shook her head

buT IT WAS SO FUNNY LIKE THE TEACHER'S BUTT WAS IN HER WAY AND SHE HAD THIS EXPRESSION OF 'fml' AND

yeah

it was hilarious and then she came up to me and was like no jesse stop laughing

but i laughed even harder

and yeah

science was fun

and a tad

odd i guess

i think people stole canoe guy and his friend's seat so they sat behind me and my friends and canoe guy was right behind me and i felt like i wanted to talk to him so much but i... yeah. and i heard him banter and y'know

just hearing him with a smile in his voice is nice

urgh i'm so weird

but also i was talking about wings with claire today

long story short i saw this tumblr post about what people'd be like with wings in everyday life

and i started to draw wings

wings for canoe guy, ariana, cinekha, will, heck, even soul

and these wings

mean a lot because they personify the person and i give them wings which i think suit them and describe them

claire-bear asked me to describe her senpai's wings which was damn adorable and so i did and apparently i made her almost cry bUT TEARS OF TOUCHED-NESS AND IT WAS GR8

she said it was a beautiful talent i had and how it was amazing i could think it up on spot

and that was a really

like... impacting compliment haha

i guess it's because i'm a writer that it was so impacting but it was also because i'm a writer that i could think up something like a person's wings on spot but i guess it's also because i think about things a hella lot and more than i should probably and that's why it's easy for me to try and see a person's view and use that perspective to further explain things

it's really weird because somehow these wings have become precious to me in such a short time and i feel like i want to tell people what they're wings would be--

because if everyone really did have wings it'd be hard not to fall in love with each and every individual because of the simple but unique beauty every pair holds

but y'know everyone holds a uniqueness to themselves even without wings, so i guess that's okay

but with wings it'd be more apparent

more prominent

easier to recognise that our bodies are something to be loved and not shamed

and it's very sad and odd because it's ourselves who do the shaming

but

anyway

one thing that's been plaguing my mind is that i want to tell canoe guy about his wings, hah

i'll give you guys a very bad quality picture:

edit: digital version

they'd angle in towards the small of his back but the tips wouldn't meet unlike cinekha's (you can spot hers in the top right) and his wings would be medium-sized and y'know i don't think they'd be that extravagant compared to ariana's or will's which are next to canoe guy's in the left but the left wing hasn't been drawn for will but

the tips of his wings - the bone that folds; the two apexes - they'd look pointy because of his feathers (his wings would be a mixture of feathers and fluff and they'd look fairly neat but they're actually pretty messy but not very noticeably so) but they really aren't

if you touched them they'd be rounded and strong and if you ran your hand down the joint it'd be smooth and maybe a tiny bit angular, but surprisingly supportive if that makes sense

lol i'm

ugh

i'm

ugh

anyway

his wings would be a colour several shades darker than tumeric but that'd only be in some random patches and his wing base colour would mostly be a light caramel

yeah

OH AND I WENT TO BASKETBALL TODAY

AND although we didn't win, we did really well i reckon!! my friend's mum (zara's mum) was laughing and joking and made a remark about how i was getting in there and stealing the ball off the tall people and that was funny and actually really nice hehe, since my parents don't come to watch because they're busy it's a really nice feeling to be... recognized... i guess? but it was so nice of her!! my hair was really sweaty afterwards and i felt proud because it was like my hard work and effort transformed into a palpable form which was the sweat kekeke and i told my brother this fact and he was like ew don't sweat on my carseat and i sighed and shook my head and sweat probably flew at him then but he just didn't understand

brothers, what can you do.

anywaaay

i better mark the date (yesterday i was continuing writing this post at night when i was told to go to bed so--) 27/2

mkay... so today (thursday)!

after school i had this convo with this dude called josh in the year below me and josh is pretty damn awesome - we've been kind of friendly acquaintances and i say hi to him whenever i see him and he also went to my primary school

i found it so easy to talk to him and he offered me a piece of gum and that was hella rad

then i had to leave

but we talked about fishing and swimming and i made him laugh a couple of times and i've mentioned this so many times bUT MAKING A PERSON LAUGH OR SMILE IS SO COOL

also

canoe guy passed by where i sat today and i don't know who waved first but we both smiled and waved at each other and.. /hides that was nice

um

on another note i've been saying hello to different people and i'm happy for that haha

ye

this is entry 21 and i have a lot of homework to do /sob

i hope you guys are having a beautiful time wherever any of you are and reminder to sit up straight and drink water because it's v. good for you!!

/dances away

Monday, 24 February 2014

entry 20

i realised that i forgot to write about some other stuff but now that the whole bush school event thing has been explained, i can focus more on the smaller things.

so i was talking to iggy and iggy's my cutie patootie friend from tumblr and we were talking about feelings and this was what came up:

'i guess there's a difference between liking the cute attention he gives you and actually liking someone? like how there are different types of attraction but i don't know because i've never liked anyone except for /cOUGHS canoe guy but yeah, i know that at camp though i was feeling really confused

because that chest feeling had kind of faded especially when his friends were being ugly butts but i knew that i still liked him because i thought of him all the time and it was just horrible because he was always on my mind somewhere and ugh

but yeah i got really confused because i knew that i liked him so much but the chest feeling wasn't there and i talked to my friend claire and if you read the post already then you know she's the one whose liked the guy for three years+ and she was like

well, i don't get that feeling when i see the guy i like but i know that i like him

and she told me that everyone feels differently and it's okay to be scared but she told me she was pretty sure i liked him because of like, well, everything and she basically just said it's okay

but that chest feeling is there when i actually interact with him it just isn't so much now when i say hello to him because i know that i want to get to know him better and not just be stuck at this fleeting hello stage even though they do make me happy

but yes'

and well, yeah. that's pretty explanatory.

for now i just... i'll try to talk to him more and not be so scared especially because of my overthinking - it results in me putting up these small but prominent walls i guess you could say and it makes me a lot more hesitant when i should just really not think about it so much.

what made me so sure that i still liked him a hella lot was that i could always pick him apart in a crowd or god i don't know maybe that's me /wanting/ to pick him out from a crowd or some shiz but i just always looked for him and when i heard his voice i always kind of perked up and wanted to see him. i guess advice to this would probably be 'don't think about it too much' so i guess i'll do that and go with the flow? /shrugs.

but anyway...

today was the study night thing and i realised that people actually probs studied a hella lot whereas i've always been cruising and only studying for tests and i thought that was normal - to only study maybe a few days before tests and reviewing sometimes - but apparently it's not... /coughs.

i came in with my mum and sat a space from this parent who smiled and said something akin to hey and i nodded politely and smiled.

the teachers told us a lot about japan and it was so cool hearing about what we'd do and i'm pretty damn excited for it and i should probably sign up for a passport soon when ladybug guy/will entered the room with his friend and i was pretty surprised when that guy across from me turned out to be his dad and so will squeezed across and sat next to me and his dad.

all these details are pretty unnecessary so i'll get straight to the point.

basically, my mum had to write something down some time half-way during the debriefing and this was after the students had to get up and fetch the forms so i was just sitting down when she asked me where my diary was so she could rest the sheets on it to write stuff with more ease

so i kind of was like

...wasn't it left on my seat?

so i felt my butt area and i was kind of panicking when--

i spotted the familiar coloured-in words and doodles of my diary cover on will's lap

...

will was holding his sheets in front of him over my diary and i don't know if he knew he had my diary or not

so minutes passed with mum going where's ur diary

inwardly i was going uhhh weLL will has it and that's awkward like dude my diary looks pretty unique i mean i coloured it in and iunno if his is coloured in but i'm pretty sure the S i turned into a unicorn is pretty different from other s's and well sdfghj

...so i shifted in my seat

and mum asked again

so i was like... leaning over slightly to will and debating how to go about getting my diary back

when slowly will put his papers down

and was like

'...this is your diary isn't it.'

and i was holding back this laugh all of a sudden because i just found it really funny how awkward he sounded

so i replied

'yes, it is.'

and he handed it to me really slowly and i took it back really slowly and then i just sat there kind of inwardly laughing to myself

and i looked back and he was like smiling really sheepishly so i laughed out loud and was like 'you're horrible' and iunno if he heard but he was still smiling

so yeah

that was pretty cool.

i also forgot to mention in the last entry but there were little things that happened at bush school as well. i talked to this guy chris while walking with zara from the beach! i was about to start talking when zara started talking and before i was about to talk about learn to surf when he kind of smoothly gave me the chance when he was like oh yeah, learn to surf, how's that? and i was like chance!! so i kind of felt that he knew how i felt and that was cool and he's really cool and i want to get to know him better!!! :D

speaking of getting to know people better

uhm so today

which is tuesday

oh man y'know i should like add dates to this because i've been on and off writing this post

BUT WAIT

OKAY

SO Y'KNOW EARLIER ON THIS POST ABOUT THE CHEST FEELING

i was really confused earlier after getting into the car to go home

and that was because i just finished talking to canoe guy

so

i walked out of science and rounded the corner and canoe guy was a few steps in front of me and throughout walking behind him to the stairs leading to the canteen, i was continuously thinking to myself about how there was nothing to lose if i talked to him

i was just motivating myself to talk to him when finally he reached the stairs so i dashed towards him and ended up slowing beside him near the steps and i was like, hey //canoe guy//!

and canoe guy turned and said hey

and i had no plan, honestly all the questions i was thinking beforehand slipped from my mind

but then canoe guy said how are you

and writing this now i'm smiling because that's nice of him to ask that

...

but anyway

i was like i'm okay :D

and then i suddenly got a question and i was like hey so did you understand that stuff in science?

and he was like mmm yeah kind of

and i was like really? coz i was failing, especially with the vector thingies

and he was like haha! me and alex argued about that to see who was right

and then he was like

i was right

i'm pretty happy about that

BUT

OKAY

that

i wish i responded better but he smiled and was so cute

but soon after

i asked him if he knew how to do the vector questions

and he nodded and he told me how to do it and right now i'm kind of just staring at the sheet because he.. kind of inspired me to finish the work but i'm still not really sure how to do it and ugh.

but then i asked him a bit about the flower and he said thank you again and i just asked him if he actually got the message and he responded albeit maybe a bit awkwardly and said yeah, he got it and i was like haha okay

and for a brief moment i was walking in front of him and that reminded me of the time i told him that joke and walked in front of him until i called back that i'd tell him more -- did i mention it in my earlier posts? i'm sure i did, but i walked in front of him until i turned around and said see ya and he also said see ya

and as i was walking away

i was freaking about this feeling earlier but now i'm not but i'll describe it anyway

i hadn't gotten that chest/smothering feeling in a while

but as i was walking away

it wasn't that chest feeling, but rather this.. flittering nervousness that kind of reminds me of a butterfly but not so much as the ones you get in your stomach - it was somewhere near my heart?

i was very confused about that so when i got home i messaged ruby straight away but it wasn't until i was asking claire about it when she said this:

Well maybe the chest thing is a result of not being able to be with someone, like I get it when Sacha gets off the bus and I realise that he doesn't like me, and I'm not really friends with him. The smothering feeling is more painful, so maybe because you're talking and getting closer you don't feel it.

and that reminded me of something

sometime ago, maybe even two years ago or more - i was talking to my friend sophia about my friend brianna and kind of fangirling because brianna told me she got that chest feeling for this dude in the upper years

and sophia was like

no that's only because she can't actually get to know him

in other words

because he's far away

y'know?

that got me thinking.

and with claire's words i kind of just.... 'oh'.

because i know that i still really

like

canoe guy

i always want to talk to him and i love seeing him around and those little times where we make eye contact make me breathe in deeply and it's as if it feels like the opposite where i'm breathless which is really weird and i might not be making sense

but god i want to get to know him

i want to talk to him so much haha

...

uhm, so.. moving on from that subject, today in acting!! it was really fun. i talked a bit to this new girl lizzie who is actually like hella pretty and she's hella cool as well! she and jordan were across the room from me and zara because we had to be in two-people groups to do this activity thing and they were saying something when finally i could make out that lizzie said my trademark was beautiful and i laughed and called back that i'd do one for her too

my trademark being a fabulous drawing of a poopie B)

but yeah!! that was cool hehe. in acting i also talked a bit with this guy called sam who my friend ellie is paired quite well with but yeah i just accidentally took his paper and he made this funny noise and i laughed and was like haha sorry and he grinned

but yeah

i also talked to lenalee today with zara and we talked briefly about marine science which she was doing -- i went to queensland last year and that was pretty fun but yeah, you go to queensland if you do marine science and i'm pretty sure canoe guy's in her class but i'm not sure but lenalee said that her class was mostly year tens and it got me thinking

but i always think a lot so that's not very new

but yeah. lenalee's really pretty! everyone's so beautiful ahhh *0*

but me and zara were talking today about how our friendship group is quite secluded and away from the rest of year

and we were saying how we wanted to kind of.. connect more with the year and go down to the place where they all sit more often so we can actually talk to them

but that's just an idea

a good one though

but anyway

i love people!!

seeing them smile is just so nice.

so on another note my japanese teacher told me i was the chief designer, designing a diary we're bringing to japan.

along with my friend jamilla.

i have to think of a design!! THIS IS MY RESPONSIBILITY AND THIS WILL BE A CHALLENGE BUT HELLA FUN.

YEE!!

so yes i am quite excited for japan /coughs but hehe.

i'm going to try to say hello to more people tomorrow.

i also got a new bag and it's so pretty it's red and has gold and ahhh and my beautiful bro got me keychains from death note and katekyo hitman reborn and got me a panda hat and a cat bookmark and i'm pretty happy.

i'm.. really happy hehe.

this is entry 20 and my thoughts are all over the place so i might've missed something and i also have to edit last entry because there were lots of typos but uhm.

yes.

i'm just.. very happy with everything.

see ya readers! sit up straight and smile because smiles are absolutely beautiful no matter what.

Friday, 21 February 2014

entry 19

oKAY SO SO MANY THINGS HAPPENED AT BUSH SCHOOL.

GOD.

YES.

i don't think i can explain in words how happy i feel, aha. i'm so sad it's over but i'm very amazed at what's happened but still i'm really sad. i'm... well, on monday, will everything go back to how it was? all the cliques, all the: 'you talk to this person, you do this, you do that', kind of thing? or well, i guess not but like... there just won't be as many opportunities to talk to new people as there was at bush school is what i'm trying to say. i feel like i became close to my friends and that i made new friends and god, i'm so happy.

so, somewhere along the lines of this i'd been saying hello to canoe guy but i don't really remember which days they were but waving to him and seeing him wave back is asdfgh /hides away.

but anyway...

i'll start with monday.

uhm, i can't remember what happened much on monday but the fact that i was really glad when we stopped for lunch at kfc/mcdonalds and canoe guy came in with his friends and his friends called out my name and then canoe guy smiled at me and waved and said hi for once and that was really awesome and very relieving because i was panicking about what'd happen if he wouldn't want to meet my eyes anymore but he did. i'm so happy about that but bush school has put me into this overall sUPER happy mood and god, i'm so sad it's over but i'm so happy i can write this because i never want to forget it.

on monday... dinner was steak/sausage sandwiches i think and i had to prepare with my friends because i was in group 1 - 5, i think i was like... 2? but anyway, that day i started talking to some really cool people like jordan i think who was cutting lettuce and i cut lettuce with her and that was cool like, those little things are ASDFHGJKL i can't even-- but anyway, we started to prepare capsicum and jordan didn't know how to cut them so i just did something i'd seen my bro do which is cutting the capsicum in half and ripping out the seeds at the top - and jordan followed and said something akin to 'i'll do what jesse's doing because she seems to know what she's doing' hehehe and that was cool!! and oh yeah, colleen was also preparing stuff and we started making noises at each other ('mep', for reference's sake) and before this camp we were still kind of in that awkward 'we are friends yis' stage but now it's like 'ye!! friend!!' and i'm really happy about that too, hehe. my god, i'm just so happy. also, my friend rebecca has tHE CUTEST LAUGH WHEN YOU TICKLE HER.

we also had to serve the dinner and i was with the lettuce and let me tell you it was horrible, i'd never make money serving lettuce so future me, don't do ANYTHING to do with lettuce in the future. i also talked to ladybug guy for the first time in ages then and that was when i was serving him lettuce and i served him so much and i felt so bad and i was like profusely saying sorry and he was like laughing and going like don't worry but yeah.

but basically, monday was just spent on settling in and such and that day we also walked down to the beach and that was beautiful because it was at night and the stars, god, they were just amazing and i had high definition view because of my glasses and ahhhh stars are amazing. that night, i think we also got our hunger games themed game going - basically, you got a slip of paper with your name and your person's name and basically you had to kill that person, and to do that you had to go up to them at least 2 metres away from anyone else - out of earshot - and say 'you're out of the game to them' and the last two people would win. apparently the earlier year's game lasted 18 months and our one is still going but i'm pretty sure it'll end really soon.

anyway,  i was walking around with ruby moments before going to the beach when soul and his buddies came up to me and soul was like 'i need to talk to you' but then his friends were like lol stop trying to trick people and it wasn't much but it was like eh, hey at least i'm talked to right? iunno but soon after me and ruby were walking through the washing up area when frICKING FISH sorry i guess he's not that bad?? but fish and his friend.... jack of spades? dude well let's call him card then- fish and card came up to me and were like 'jesse we need to talk to you alone, it's about //canoe guy//' and i was like 'HAHAHAHAHA NOPE NO WAY SORRY DUDES' so i just pretty much speed walked out of there with ruby and then moments after i was freaking out but ruby reassured me they were probs trying to trick me into being alone so they could kill me (which does not make sense now because i know who killed me and that was my friend, let's called her delight hehe, but yes) but all in all, they were probably trying to screw with me, so yes.

at the beach soul came up to me again to preach about allah and idek, but hey, it's worth mentioning because it was pretty amusing.

at supper though, i was lining up for milo like everyone else and i was in front of fish and card and i HEARD THEM UGH I HEARD THEM GO 'oh it's jesse, where's //canoe guy//' and holy shit okay, seriously if they do something to screw with me again i'm probs gonna use my martial arts skills yo. but seriously... /shakes head.

OH!!

AND THIS WAS THE DAY okay, so we were walking to the beach for the first time (no swimming, just walking around and me and my friends went to the rock pool and that was cool) and i was like kind of behind canoe guy and he was carrying some stuff for the teacher - two bags - and they looked pretty heavy so i kind of was deciding whether or not to help him when i was like why not?? so i went up to him and was like do you need help?' and he was like 'oh, sure, okay' and he gave me one and he was like 'ohh that's the heavy one though, do you want me to give you the lighter one?' and i was like 'haha, no i'm fine' and  that's when he kind of looked down and then back at me and told me he got the flower and he said thank you and i was really caught offguard then so i kind of answered like: 'oh... i see.. that's... good...' and he smiled and oh god, he's beautiful, but i kind of just... got flustered and we didn't talk any more because we had to put down the stuff and then he went up to his friends and stuff and ye. but, uhm /coughs that was pretty awesome. i just really want to talk to him more and i'm stupid because recently i've just been overthinking so much and comparing myself to other people. but i'll try. i have to promise myself that, coz i'm not the type to give up, that's what my friend katie would say hah, but yeah, i've been contemplating it but it's stupid but i guess i'm just unsure. but that's everyone, supposedly. everytime i get into that 'that's i'm giving up on u because u suck' state, he always does something even if it's just smiling at me that just... god.

so, tuesday.

hm... what happened on tuesday--?

looking back on my texts with katie i don't think much happened. except going to the beach for the second time - we seriously went like every day and now i am a tanned potatino - OH, yes and this was the day my friend delight lost her sunglasses and asked me to come with her to find them and kILLED ME. /nods. yes. i was pretty like... i think my reaction her saying 'you're out of the game' was like... *silence* ......my heart... you broke it...

yeah. it was pretty funny though aha, though i would've liked to stay in the game longer but hey, oh well. the prizes for winning was two mockingjay pins but i don't think i'd make use of it that much, so yeah.

OH WAIT

WE HAD THE FIRST AID THING TODAY.

okay, so before going to the beach for the first time, we were split up into groups to do this booklet of health to get our health certificate i think, and it was learning from other students who'd already done some first aid and we were split up into groups according to our last name which was okay because ariana and sophia were in my group.

the first group was pretty interesting - we were learning about cuts and burns i think and then we moved onto the second group which was about allergies and asthma and stuff like that and that was the first interaction i had with this girl called aurora where basically we had to pretend we had a bad peanut reaction and she was like 'i vote jesse does it' and i was like 'nah i vote aurora does it' and aurora was like 'darn my plan backfired' and we kind of smiled at each other and that was pretty cool hehe. and then we moved onto jamilla and claire's group which was about stings and bites from poisonous things and that was like the only group i actually learned things from because they explained it well. aaand then we moved onto cpr, which was ladybug guy's group, leading the thing (i kind of wanted to go to canoe guy's group because i think he was also teaching it but it was about rotations not choice so uhm, god i'm weird).

one thing with the cpr lesson was that after ladybug guy taught it and okay i'm just going to call him will now because it's not as if anyone from my school except my friends will actually read this, but basically after will demonstrated and told us everything about the cpr thing along with the other group leaders, he asked for volunteers and no one volunteered and he was like well i'm going to have to ask people to come up and he was looking at me and i was like oh dear lord no you don't and he opened his mouth but luckily his other friends had chosen other people and he was like oh okay but then after they went down the process kind of repeated and he looked at me and i looked at him and he grinned and was like jesse!! come up! and i was like ugghhggh but yeah, i did it anyway. anyway i thought that was pretty cool because it was kind of like... the christmas card incident is kind of over maybe? if you're reading and you don't know, you'll see later on thursday.

this night we also went to the beach and that was just spent stargazing pretty much and running on the beach. at supper, that day was the day i became really unsure and very hesitant of pretty much everything and i look back on it and i feel kind of sorry for myself but basically i'm not sure if i mentioned her-- oh wait, yes i did and i called her lenalee.

so... lenalee. she's amazingly nice and i really want to get to know her better but uh /coughs... i.. she might like canoe guy? she has a better chance than me, anyway, seeing as she is friends with him because she sat next to him in maths last year and well that night at supper i kind of just saw a little thing which was her asking him to fill her cup for her and he teased her and was like nope sorry go get your own and i began thinking how nice it'd be if i were in her shoes but that's just me comparing myself to other people again and i just have a tendency to do things like that and it really sucks /rolls around.

i'm so silly.

i'm really not sure what happened on tuesday but uh.. somewhere we might've had like a talk with some uni students (J-wow, if i mention him later which i highly doubt i will is an inside joke about a cute uni dude and then it kind of... spiralled into madness but yeah, just... J-wow) about courses and stuff and it was pretty interesting but otherwise very boring because they didn't talk about any interests of mine which were things to do with writing/languages.

we had to do a swimming test on tuesday and it was horrible but i made it and we got to swim for three hours and right now i'm sitting at the computer with swollen-ish eyes because of all the salt they had to endure for the last few days.

so, onto wednesday.

there was the peer support discussions today and also the mini trip to the HMAS naval base. it rained on this day after we came back from creswell and the rain was awesome.

there were two trips to the naval base and i went to the second even though i kind of... really wanted to go on the first because, well, guess.

oh, and that reminds me that one thing i got really UGH about was the fact that i kept thinking about canoe guy and i just hated it because there were so many other things going on but i'm sure i'll do another blog entry with a comeback to me hating thinking about one thing so much because on the bus today (friday) me and ruby were writing to each other while sitting next to each other about it and she better bring it on monday.

the peer support discussion thingy was pretty good because the topic i got was the 'importance of friendship groups'. our year advisor came up to our group because we were the ones who were leading that particular topic and asked us if we remembered this one talk she did in year seven talking about friendship groups becoming prisons and we said we didn't and she explained to us how friendship groups basically could become prisons in a way that they hold people to it and that these prisons are known as cliques. the cliques restrain you from talking to people in 'lower' cliques and that's how their prisons. there's also the fact that there are standards for you to meet and such are friendship groups, but not all of them. just... quite a lot.

after the naval base, which was kinda cool because they told us all about the navy and joining it and damn it looks really cool but obviously i won't be joining any time soon, but it just kind of reminds me of mass effect and mass effect is a whole 'nother story of mine but basically mass effect is a game and commander shepard is badass -- okay well, after the naval base we were sent back to the campsite and not much happened except for lunch and stuff and then it started to rain.

but before it started to rain i remember walking with mother-hen claire and at this point i was kind of... i was frantic about lenalee and canoe guy. we were talking about how easy it'd be if 'things were different' and sure it's wishful thinking but the point is, is that it would honestly really be easier if things really were different and yeah. it kind of sucks. but anyway i was told not to compare myself to lenalee and... yeah. i guess you could say i'm trying. things like 'where do i stand?' and 'what's going to happen now?' come to my mind but it's okay because i just have to try because i'm a silly butt.

we went to the beach soon after and i don't think i swam that day, but instead i sat down with jamilla and claire and i did a thing.. the thing about me is that i /like/ keeping things to myself for my own sake and because of that i usually go my own way and try not to hurt people but jamilla got hurt because i was keeping it to myself and well

i never want to tell anyone who canoe guy is again because i feel insecure about many things and i overthink anyway so...

i know jamilla would never tell anyone -- and i have to put faith in her because she's my senpai and she's beautiful

i kind of maybe.. .feel a bit unsure about telling her but i don't because she hugged me later and said she was sincerely thankful i told her but to be thankful is one thing and i'm just really hesitant about this and if claire you're reading this, then know that it was my choice entirely so don't feel bad or anything like that.

/sigh. what's done is done i guess, i just have to put faith into jamilla.

now that i found out i'm actually a really private person about certain things like this i don't think i'll be telling anyone anything else any time soon but hey, you learn things every day y'know?

after this... there was trivia night!

trivia night was really fun but there isn't much to say about it, but that our team name was team wildcats and at first we were second last and then suddenly at the end we were fourth out of ten teams and that was so surprising, one of the people in my group taelah said we bop bop bopped to the top and it was a hilarious time.

aaand then there's thursday.

huskisson, the geography assignment, that little interaction with canoe guy that made me decide finally to just stop worrying, the dolphin watch cruise, marriage, a near-drowning experience, playing soccer, ladybug guy, talent night, becoming 'the next beyonce', having this guy hamish of all people compliment the act i did with ruby, hazza, jamilla, claire and zara, the little lightshow, hugs, feeling sad because it was the technical last day of camp...

for one, i feel like i've grown so much compared to last year and i feel as if i've actually... opened up to my year a little bit more and that makes me so happy.

huskisson.

the morning was spent finally cleaning out the tent due to harriet's orders because apparently there was this dead ant smell ruby and haz could smell but i have no idea what dead ants or ants smell like anyway, but eh, it was actually kind of fun cleaning hehe. my tent group was wonderful by the way!! it was ellie/haz/ruby and myself.

i'm eating pork and lettuce and brown rice and sesame seeds right now and it's nice and i'm so happy i'm back home too because therE IS FOOD EVERYWHERE!!! and also cereal god i love cereal.

anyway, the ride to huskisson was fun because we played i spy if that's how you spell it but also when we arrived we met up with everyone else and long story short, i kissed bri's head because she was complaining about how my other friends were doing it and i wanted to join in just to tease her and i did and it was pretty funny, hehe.

we walked to the dolphin cruise boat area and got the front of the boat to sit on-- we saw dolphins and they were amazing and they swam like right underneath the boat and ahhh dolphins!!! it was really cool and the ocean was so beautiful. from where i sat it kind of looked like a christmas tree because all the sunlight glittered off in all directions and if you kind of looked at it altogether, you could see the lights flickering as if it were christmas lights decorating a christmas tree and doing those random little patterns and it was beautiful.

the geography assignment we got seemed like a lot at first because it was this medium-thick green booklet but it really wasn't a lot and it was actually kind of easy but maybe that's because for maybe a little below half, i copied other people's answers but shh.

three quarters to the way back i ventured around the boat and met up with ariana and colleen and taelah and eren and a bunch of others and they started talking about how i was really cute and could be a tv show character or something and the tv show would be popular but uh

yeah that was interesting. you'll see why i'm mentioning this though coz taelah comes into play later and i'm really happy we're pretty good friends now because i never thought i would be, so it's really cool and i'm amazed and proud! :D

we got back to shore and the wind in my face was really cold so i was glad to be back on normal ground and the sun was nice. did i mention it was a beautiful day?

we came back and decided to go get lunch right away, as did pretty much everyone and we walked around for a bit until we found a fish and chips shop and i got chips and potato scallops with ellie and it was hUGE like the box was larger than an a4 sheet of paper and there were so many chips it didn't even look half finished when we chucked it out because no one could eat any more and no one wanted it anyway. but all throughout that when we were eating and doing our booklet, canoe guy was sitting behind us with his friends and it sucks because yes i was jealous of his friends that were girls sitting with him and talking so easily and then because of that jealousy i started thinking about how ugh i was for thinking about something like that when there were so many other good things to think about but---

yeah.

/sigh.

well i kind of was thinking about a way to end it once and for all and me being me was just thinking up of some bizarre plan (...let's not get too into detail about it but i figured i wouldn't exit without telling him everything lol but seriously i don't even know) but then later on after we'd kinda finished the booklet we decided to get ice cream and i was walking away when brianna the cookie called me over and gave me a booklet to give to this guy and i'm pretty sure she planned everything because on the booklet was the names of who was in his group and obviously canoe guy was in his group.

so i saw that they were in the distance and i was walking with my friends and we were reaching them when canoe guy glanced at me and i kind of strayed from my friends because i had to and this time he looked at me and i kind of... just walked up to him and held out the booklet and he leant down to get a better look at it and then i was like oh.. wait.. so i turned to the guy who owned the booklet and i was like you left this over there and pointed to where brianna was sitting and he was like oh.. and then i kind of nodded to the dude and out of the corner of my eye i saw canoe guy fiddling with his drink bottle which was hella cute and i swerved around the booklet dude and started walking but then god, canoe guy called out a 'thank you!' and i looked back and smiled at him and he smiled back

and

ugh

just.. it's those little things that keep on going like 'kEEP DOIN WHAT UR DOIN GIRLY beCAUSE DOKIDOKI /WINK WONK' and jESUS CHRIST.

i'm so done but i'm really not as well, y'know?

so then we got ice cream and we also talked to random people and they asked us what school we were from and i wished them a good day and god i love doing that because people smile at you and smiles are still the number one thing on my love list or whatever but seriously, the best thing ever.

we met up with taelah and the gang later on while we were waiting for the mini buses to arrive to take us back to the campsite finally when ariana started throwing a bottle and it bounced and landed near me and then it evolved into this three-way game between me, ariana and taelah just bouncing the bottle around and thus the bottle olympics was formed or well, i think we named it something spiffier but i can't really remember but that was pretty fun.

when we got back to the campsite, we finished off our booklets and taelah asked me to marry her and well i'm married now.

our weddings in a few months/weeks or sometime around there i'll be sure to write about it (/cackles).

so we went to the beach after that and there was this whole thing with jamilla and claire and essentially what happened was we went out too far and seeing as how i'm horrible at swimming i was clinging onto claire for support and that was when she started struggling and because of that i was like OH CRAP and i detached myself but as i was floating waves just kept on crashing and they were so huge at the time that i kind of just kept dying so i clung and un-clung to claire and then JAMILLA

JAMILLA WAS JUST FLOATING THERE WATCHING US

AND BECAUSE OF THAT

I JUST

I KEPT LAUGHING AT HOW TERRIBLE SHE WAS

EVERY TIME I CAME UP FOR AIR I WAS LAUGHING PROBABLY REALLY LOUDLY

AND SO WAS CLAIRE

AND THAT WAS WHY WE /KEPT/ ON DROWNING

but finally

we drifted into a shallower bit but we were still dying a bit when claire's senpai came up to us and i'm pretty sure he was like 'do you guys need help'

and by then i was just so done with jamilla and was like yE /drowns/ S???

but they both then just kind of floated there and finally i attached myself to jamilla and i was saved, pretty much.

a good thing that came out of that experience was that jamilla came up with a board to us and we were like what where'd you get that and apparently claire's senpai gave it to us so that we wouldn't drown (claire u go girl nice catch) but seriously, that was such a nice gesture!! people are so great ahhh.

but then the water got really cold

so i got out

and met up with taelah and my other friend s'nay on the beach and then taelah started going on about this dude in our year and dear lord that was the funniest and scariest and i don't even have words to describe it but...

yeah i...

nevermind.

but the events basically went like this: talking talking talking, other friends appearing, taelah giving me a piggy back, playing in the sand with cinekha, complimenting eren's name in japanese and then kicking a ball with sophia + david and matt.

so sophia came up to me with a ball and for a while she kept bouncing it and i kept missing it trying to kick it and my attempts were miserable but then david!!! david was there and he was like keep trying jesse and i was like really fired up and i wanted to continue but i think sophia got bored because then somehow we just settled into kicking the ball to each other in a square and matt's a cool dude and then we just kept kicking it and it was awesome because wow hello there nice people i quite enjoy the socialising going on here but aNYWAY sorry that's a bit odd

but basically after a long while of kicking the ball to each other, we were called to go back up to the campsite but before that, david took the ball from sophia and came up to me and he was like, okay jesse, you have to get this at least once and THAT WAS THE NICEST THING EVER AND I WAS LIKE /NODNOD OKAY YES PLEASE SURE!! and it was so cool

i missed it the first time so i asked for tips and sophia said that i should wait until it bounces once and then kick it and so i did that

and I KICKED IT

AND IT WAS THE MOST GLORIOUS FEELING

EVER

and then me and zara had to carry a board that someone left behind and because of that i forgot my hoodie which bri slapped my butt with later on and then i was like oh well thank you for my hoodie i was kinda panicking there and she was like don't thank me, tom was carrying it so i turned to thomas and thanked him and he smiled and said no problem

yes

i don't think i'll ever get over how amazing people are

but yeah

:D

not much happened until dinner and dinner was curry and noodles and stir fry and it was beautiful -- all the food throughout the camp was beautiful -- when i was putting my plate in the bin, the bin was near a table where taelah and ariana and colleen and will and my other friends were sitting, taelah called out and was like mY WAIFU

and some people might not get this

but the thing is it was probably weird for will because of the fact that taelah had seen like... my 'not-shy' me whereas with will it was that 'polite-shy' me, y'know? two different sides, but regardless of that, i rounded the table and gave taelah a hug and was like 'wAIFU' back to her and we laughed and then taelah said something about us being married and i pulled away and when i did will kind of pulled back from the table and looked at me and was like

'jesse... can i have a hug...?'

and i was kind of surprised so i just replied with an oh, uhm, sure?

so i went up to him and because he was sitting down and i was standing he just slid his arms around my waist and hugged me and was like 'i never got to thank you for that christmas card but it was like the nicest thing i've ever recieved' or he might've said 'nicest thing ever' or something, but yeah and i was really surprised so for a short while i was like ...OH uh well HAHA i thought i made things awkward so UHM and yeah, i started rambling 

BUT I WAS SO HAPPY

BECAUSE /DANCES THE CHRISTMAS CARD INCIDENT

IS NO LONGER MUCH OF AN INCIDENT

Y'KNOW

LIKE

I DID WELL IN THE END

Y'KNOW

IF I COULD TELL MY PAST SELF THIS SHE'D BE PRETTY SCEPTICAL BUT HAPPY BUT YES

THAT WAS JUST

wow

i'm really glad that burden is lifted. everything still kind of feels surreal as if it hasn't happened and i'm scared of everything rewinding...? but i know this is real so yeah it's pretty silly

so later that night was the talent show

and my friends and i were singing royals by lorde. the talent show area was set up really informally - everyone was just sitting on a bunch of tarps connected to each other and the teachers held up torch/spotlight things but it was just a really nice atmosphere and whoever wanted to do something would put their hands up and up they went.

so at first, we didn't volunteer and i was sitting with zara, claire and ruby and me and ruby both agreed that hopefully harriet or jam or anyone we weren't sitting with wouldn't put their hands up because we were kind of seperated, but it wasn't until the final-ish act -- second last -- that harriet put her hand up and we all went up albeit nervously

we honestly had not rehearsed it with everyone so a lot of it was improv but then again we had practiced it for busking and people then had said it was a really good song that we did and those people were strangers, so yeah

we went up and all the while i wondered what canoe guy was thinking

but as we went up i just heard taelah and maybe some other people call out 'JESSE'

and omg taelah though

but anyway it was really adorable and i felt really loved for some reason, hehe.

it was a nice feeling though, to be recognized.

i think i even heard kelly, this girl i don't know very well go 'go jesse' and that was pretty amazing. i really love my year.

but onwards with the story, uhm, we started singing and it was going well until the last verse where no one was singing so i took the lead and sang the wrong lyrics and then jamilla was like HEY and then we all stopped and i was like oh crap i don't know the lyrics and then everyone started laughing and cheering and clapping and ruby next to me was like 'that's a good ending' so we all bowed and everyone was cheering and it was the best feeling ever, topping the kicking of the ball but seriously... it felt so... nice.

as if i was getting closer to the year as a whole and i wasn't just some little asian girl who never talked.

so we sat back down and the teacher behind us said we did a great job and random people came up to us and said we did good and i don't want to brag but people came up to me and said i was really good and i don't think i've ever felt so proud and happy for myself and of myself and that's... god, i can't even put everything into words but yeah.

as we were sitting down, zara told me that i did good because now everyone in the year would know that i could sing and i can't remember what she said exactly but it was nice of her and zara's so beautiful /sob everyone's just so wonderful i can't even... wow.

after getting dismissed but having 50 minutes of hanging out time according to the teachers, sophia came up to me and hugged me and spun me around and said i did good and joy hugged me too or maybe i should call joy delight but eh it's 12:26 and i'm actually really tired and not bothered to change it

but then random people just came up to me or passed me by and said i did really well

and then taelah jfc she called out my name like really loudly and then i saw her in the distance and sHE TRIPPED AND I WAS LIKE dude are you okay?!?! and she was like yes my wife and then she hugged me and also spun me and was like I DIDN'T KNOW YOU COULD SING but it was amazing to see people's reactions and it was so funny, taelah's one but it was also really great because it was like she felt proud of me too and that was really awesome.

then jade passed me by as well and told me that i was the next beyonce and she told me that one of the dudes joel said something like that along the lines of 'be my beyonce' or something?? but yes apparently i am the 'next beyonce' and that was pretty funny but GAH EVERYONE'S SO NICE ASDFGHJ it was really the best feeling and it still is.

then i was standing with my friends when soul was like hey jesse and i was like oh, um, yeah? and he was like you sang really well, you're seriously like beyonce and i was like LOL what and then kelly interrupted and said i did really well as well and i said thanks to kelly and by then soul had already turned back to his friends and i was like wait i better say thank you so i called out his name and he turned around and i was like thank you! and he smiled and smiles are so amazing like holy crap man but smiles and he smiled and he said no problem and man that was pretty damn cool, just saiyan

AND THEN

ONE THING

jamilla came up to me earlier right and was like jESSE YOU DID IT

and i was like haha did what

and okay so apparently this guy hamish was pulled out of the crowd because he said something and this is hamish - he's kind of a renowned 'jerk' kind of dude but i can't really say because i've never spoken to him before but i heard he was also nice so i'm pretty unbiased towards him, but anyway jamilla said when the teacher pulled him out of the crowd she thought he'd said something mean and was like uh oh and i was like, but wait so what'd he say

and then jamilla grinned and was like

he said that our act was the only one he actually enjoyed throughout the whole night

and when i heard that i was literally speechless

because that is a very huge compliment coming from hamish and compared to the other acts which were really good

and then hamish himself

came up to me and the others moments later to tell us he got told off because he said the above and i was like ohh wow 

but oh my god that is just

the best

EVER.

bush school is literally the most amazing thing i've experienced and the most happy i've felt since, iunno, but god all of it was so wonderful and fabulous and fantastic.

i guess one thing i only really am kind of wistful about is the fact canoe guy didn't say anything to me and i don't know what i was supposed to be expecting but i just really wanted him to say something to me i guess? i'm sorry if i am bragging but i feel pretty proud at the moment.

but still, i just wanted to talk to canoe guy and i still do want to say something like 'i hope the flower didn't embarrass you too much' and ask about the note and everything else and what subject he's taking

because today i came to the conclusion that i've been overthinking so much and my overthinking results in my putting up these kind of walls that block myself out and it's like what katie said that my pessimism might make me miss an opportunity so i just have to keep being optimistic, y'know? if i get hurt i get hurt but i won't know anything if i don't try.

but yeah.

bush school is now over and it is friday or well, saturday since it's 12am.

i'm so sad bush school is over. joy was too and we were talking about it on thursday night and dylan came over and i think he was trying to cheer her up and then joy hugged him and it was really cute but then dylan was talking to me for a bit and i think he said something sassy to which i replied with well do you want a hug? so i opened my arms and he was like fiiiine and hugged me and yeah.

i just hope joy's okay.

joy was sad because this was kind of maybe the last ish time we'd all be together and it was such a nice atmosphere all around. and maybe she's sad because of other things as well.

but mostly i was sad because i felt as if bush school made everyone equal. or at least, it mixed everyone together and gave me opportunities to talk to people i hadn't talked to before and that was very very true because i did talk to lots of people i didn't know and that was so cool.

i feel like if we return to school, everything that happened with kind of equal nothing because school is the definition of set places and cliques and i'm wondering if things will return to 'normal' because i really don't want it to.

me and claire were talking about this before and we both decided we'd try our best not to let it return to normal. 

waking up to the sound of the guys talking and random screams and just the overall sound of camping was really quite comforting and sometimes i heard canoe guy's voice or at least voices that sounded like his and the fact that he was here made me happy, no matter how silly/small, but yeah.

at the end of today, friday, i said goodbye to people leaving, like harry and andrew m and bryn and eren and for some reason those goodbyes meant a lot to me because i was still grasping onto the last shred of 'bush school' and 'opportunities' and i'm still hoping but i know i'll be so determined to not let things slide back into 'normal' and i'll keep on trying because that's what makes me really happy.

i'm really happy.

i'm going to try my best.

i said that some time ago didn't i? and look where i am now so i know i've made progress and i'm so proud of myself for that.

i'm going to talk to canoe guy on monday. if i can. but i hope i will be able to. i shouldn't be scared because fear is a very stupid thing.

so readers, i hope you're as happy as i am right now. reminder to sit up straight and also i found this quote on tumblr:

''Discover why you're important, then refuse to settle for anyone who doesn't completely agree."

goodnight. this is entry 20.