Tuesday 29 October 2013

entry 6

OMFG OKAY.

so basically in english we had to write our own speech of a topic of 'personal contextual importance', and guess what i did?

shyness.

here's a copy of it:

First of all, let me warn you. They asked for personal… we're gonna get pretty personal. I'm not sure how to go into this topic without it being personal, so yeah. 
  
I'm a shy person. It's… pretty obvious, I guess. 
  
I can't account for all the shy people out there, but being shy… 
  
Okay, let me ask you, have you ever really wanted to be friends with someone? Because, you think that maybe if you gave it a go you could get along with them, really well? You think about it before you go to bed at night, rehearse imaginary conversations in your head, think of lame conversation starters; and get really fired up but kind of anxious about the next day? And because you're anxious, you kind of hesitate when you see that person you want to talk to, so you don't end up putting those crappy conversation starters to the test. 
  
Maybe that's just me. 
  
Let me ask you another question. 
  
Remember when you were a kid? Maybe around, 3 years old?  I can't really remember what I was doing back then or what I was feeling, so I don't think you guys can really remember in exact detail what you were doing, when you were that young. That feeling of not remembering, that's what I have of year 7. And I wasn't even in Smiths Hill back then. When you leave primary school, you're not really your own person. So this whole idea of separation from my best friends in primary school was overwhelming; I knew no one, and I didn't try to get to know anyone - I even remember someone asking me 'why don't you smile much?' I couldn't really answer. At that time I was in my own little bubble, I don't even know. Maybe sometime around late term 1, I started making friends with this girl who really liked this anime, and the day we went to the library to watch it together my mum told me I was moving to smith's hill. 
  
I was… pretty hesitant to go, but compared to the me back then and the me now, I'm pretty glad I chose going. So year 7, I can’t really remember – it was just a huge rush. 
  
Year 8 flew by really quickly - it was just about making my own little nest with my bunch of friends. Around the end of 2012 I think someone random from our year said hello to me and I was pretty surprised so I said hi back. That made me realise that saying hello to people was actually really awesome - after all I think it made my day. So I thought, that people in our year are actually probably friendly and interesting people that'd be cool to become friends with. 
  
And these kind of thoughts transferred into year 9. This is where my brother came in. 
  
My bro went to this school, graduating before I finished primary school, but ever since I can remember he's always told me about the things he's done in Smiths Hill (like making Smag with his friends) and from all the stories he's told, well, I know he was one of those people you call 'popular', or at least, he knew everyone and everyone knew him and his nickname was even 'Smiley' for a short while. He was outgoing, friendly, skipped class once in year 11 and saw Mr Zabelle at the shops, who told him 'I won't tell if you won't tell'…. And then I'm that shy girl who has trouble talking to people I don't really know. 
  

I know, I know it's bad 'comparing' myself to him, but I can't really help it - I look up to him. He's the type who wouldn't change a thing if he were asked, 'would you go back and change your high school life if given the chance'. And what's funny is - we can do anything we want. Like, at assembly, just full on dancing and singing your heart out to the national anthem, or going up to someone in the streets and just hugging them. Of course I don't really recommend that one, because it'd be bordering on creepy and sexual harassment, but, yeah. That's why I figured, why not? Why can't I just try to be more approachable, and say hello to random people - make friends? I don't want to be the person regretting stuff later because I was too scared to just go up and say hi to someone. Others might judge that it’d be weird because – woah – the quiet person? 

But yolo. 
  
So yeah, after a long while of just thinking and staring at the computer screen I came up with this. I was pretty hesitant about it all, but oh well. 

The making friend thing… I’m getting there. 
Oh, and next time you see a shy person, you should totally talk to them. They’re probably really cool. 

yeah.
i'm the most embarassing person aren't i?

okay, well i guess not that embarassing, but still.

/deep sigh.

so the class laughed a few times and people clapped and all that. i don't really expect anything to change; i'm just glad i got it out.

my story has been told and now they know not only my name but my story too.

i hope nothing bad comes out of this /flops, rather the opposite?

i'm tired.

today i was put into a group with the src dude and another guy. it was awkward but hey, i tried, kinda.

yolo.

man i'm so tired.

this is entry 6, thanks for reading.
have an awesome day!


Friday 25 October 2013

entry 5

so you know what's totally awesome?!

today at school we had a substitute teacher for maths, and of course the seating plan didn't need to be followed because well, we had a different teacher, but in maths will sat next to me and i kind of just reminded him that he could sit next to his friends but he was like nah i like you and then iunno for a moment i was like ... and then i was like ASDFGHJKLJHGFD FRIEND1!@!# but i didn't really show it but it meant a lot to me even though he was probably just saying that to make me feel better /kicks dirt. so yeah that kinda made my day.

before that however was drama class and we played this game called zip zap zoop and basically it's this small clapping game where zip goes left, zap goes right, and zoop goes across (everyone stands in a circle) and basically y'know that guy who voted for me to be src? yeah well he's in my drama class and in the first few days where i had my moments of braveness, i said hi to him a couple times and that was awesome but nowadays i've just been feeling a little... ugh and iunno, i guess i'm trying to find chances where i can but when i do i hesitate and that chance leaves (when in actuality chances are probably always there and i'm just too much of a butt to do something about it) and well i heard my name (i think) before the start of the game mentioned by him and his group of friends and (let's call him soul, man i am so obvious (but not so obvious to you anon readers)) throughout the game when it came to their turn they zooped it to me and after the third time i kind of just shook my head and rolled my eyes a bit and they laughed and i thought that was kind of cool? like i think they were being friendly. i think. i'm not too well-versed in this kind of stuff but it was interesting so i made a vow to myself to say hi to him on monday (it's friday today).

so i found that pretty cool and kind of a friend-making chance, aha.

today was also subject selections day. it's so weird how a year can pass by so quickly and next thing you know it i'll be in year 12 doing my hsc. creepy.

i asked my friend dylan if he was doing pe4 (mainly dancing) and he was like yeah, i am, semester 1, and i was like YAYY THAT MEANS WE'RE TOGETHER M8 and he laughed and kinda jokingly said haha maybe i should swap classes then and i was like wAHT NO DON'T but yeah that was a cool interaction.

/re-reads and sighs. these small things make me so happy i don't even know why.

so basically for year ten at my school you have to do all the mandatories such as english, science, maths, history, geography, languages (in my instance, japanese) but you also get your final bunch of electives, in this case where i had three electives.

so the ones i wanted to do were

  • acting
  • youth theatre
  • creative writing
  • music on the stage, vocal
acting should be self-explanatory, it's a course about acting on the screen and stage and all that. youth theatre is basically making up plays and performing it to little kiddies around your local area (which sounds like TONS OF FUN like holy crap it sounds really amazing), creative writing should also be self-explanatory and music on the stage is basically singing, creating harmonies and at the end doing a massive performance with the class. i don't think i mentioned that i love singing, but yeah, i do. i also love writing.

for youth theatre though, you need to do a pre-requisite course which was either text to performance or theatrestyles. i /really/ wanted to do the acting course though, so i asked the drama teacher if i could just do acting and youth theatre instead of doing the pre-requisite and his answer kind of made me ponder about my future and got me really thinking.

he said; if i'm serious about acting (as in doing it for the hsc) then i should do acting and youth theatre but if i'm not then i should just do text to performance and youth theatre.

i chose acting and youth theatre. but honestly? i'm not too sure if i want to continue it into the hsc. sure, that sounds like amazing fun but what if it turns out i suck at acting and then i'm expected to continue it into the hsc? of course i can always not but, these expectations...

i'll just do my best; i told my brother about this and he said well as long as you do your best you'll probably do well.

so yeah, that's what i'll do.

so that's two spots taken up, what about the last one?

well, i chose music on the stage vocal. singing is wonderful to me - it's like an outlet. but so is writing. i just figured since i already do write fanfiction and i do roleplay on tumblr now (i recently started in the star trek community and it's the greatest thing ever - just-following-orders <3) that i'll be okay. besides my friend took it this semester and promised to give me her book to look over so yeah, that's cool.

weird because today i basically just chose my future and i have no idea how it'll turn out.

i'm gonna have to create a back-up for this blog because i don't want it to suddenly be erased and have all my entries lost.

also, did i tell you about canoe guy? it's a bit embarrassing so for now i'll refrain.

also i started doing basketball and it's amazing holy crepes. I GOT TWO BASKETS FOR THE FIRST TIME TWO DAYS AGO AND IT WAS THE MOST AMAZING FEELING EVER.

thanks for reading guys! halloween is coming up real soon so i really hope you guys have wonderful ones, if you celebrate it. 

comment if you have any thoughts about this, i'd be delighted to hear any, really. i know some of you read this, or maybe it's just the statistic thingy screwing up.

bye cuties! reminder to sit up straight and have a good day. c:

Monday 21 October 2013

entry 4

so recently i've been getting into the star trek series, due to the two newest movies, 09 and 13. Chris Pine is definitely one sexy mofo just saiyan'. i even made a rp blog (just-following-orders) and it's so unbelievably fun.

did i tell you guys about the maths seating plan?

i don't think so...

well, let me tell you about it then.

basically, maybe a term ago our teacher decided to put the class into a seating plan because everyone was being too noisy with the people they already were with and i got paired up with this guy called adam. he's uh, he's one of those popular-ish guys and he's friends with the canoe guy. did i tell you the story of canoe guy? omg i have to tell lots of stories, don't i, aha. well i might say it later but for now, canoe guy is my used-to-be/maybe crush.

at first i was thinking: oh this'll be alright this guy seems okay, i can make friends with him!

the first time he sat next to me it was okay. at least, i think it was. he was just laughing randomly and i didn't question why though i did jokingly ask him if he was alright, to which he laughed and said yes, and stuff.

the next time he came into class and sat next to a popular girl and i was like well okay, but then the teacher told him to go back to his seat and he kind of groaned and sat next to me again.

the third time he entered class with his friend and as he walked to his seat he joked with his friend about 'getting in with the asian chick' and that was probably the point where i was like yeah... no... - i wasn't sure if i really wanted to make friends with this guy. i talked to him a bit but then the next lesson the jokes about 'getting in' with me got worse so i decided not to talk to him at all.

i felt as if because i was the 'quiet, shy' girl, if i talked to a guy suddenly they'd suspect something and get all cocky, so... yeah. i've become a bit apprehensive when talking to guys now.

the fourth or fifth time i sat next to him, well, he was okay. the jokes stopped and even though he has a tendency of looking over my work (aND MAKING ME ANXIOUS like seriously he's really good at maths and i'm okay and i swear he judges me based on my answers) he's alright. he helped me once and i was like oh...? thank you.

so he's okay. i'm just, a bit, maybe scared of him? intimidated? i don't know the right word but i don't think he likes me aha.

then we had to change classrooms.

at first it was okay because we were allowed to sit next to our friends again but then guess what.

...

you probably guessed right.

another seating plan was put into order and this time it was another guy called will, who i had once lent a calculator to (i pride myself on that fact yo). will's cool. he's like the class clown but he's nice, so this time i'm a tad happier where i am ehe.

i find it cool because although i'm not amazing at maths i'm good enough, and will is okay at it so basically i can help him and these last two lessons i've been helping him so that's pretty awesome - it makes me feel as if I've done something good LOL. it's so awesome because i was kind of just copying questions down and we were sharing textbooks and he asked if i had done question f, which i hadn't. and basically he told me what you had to do and i was like well okay thanks i think and he was like no worries i felt like i needed to show off to you and i was like well... thank you again. and he seems really nice so i wouldn't mind getting to know him more! /puts on victory headband I FEEL AS IF I'M MAKING FRIEND AND IT's GLORIOUS GUYS.

recently though, when it's coming to other people i've been a bit hesitant for some reason.

y'know canoe guy? well, y'know how i went up to him and said all that stuff about him being cool and asking him if he didn't mind me talking to him?

well it's been two weeks and i haven't talked to him at all because i've been too scared /deep sigh.

i know that it's supposed to be a two-way thing like; there's supposed to be some reciprocation but what reason does he have to talk to me? i'm just that shy girl who's happened to gain random bursts of courage and then cowardliness. yeah, i have no idea how this is gonna work out but sometimes i just get random sparks of bleh and i just go to my friend ruby 'man i am the awkwardest person you'll ever meet' and she always questions why and i tell her a bit but never go too into detail, but i think she understands.

halloween is coming up.

i hope you guys have a good one! c:

thanks for reading, this is entry number 4.

have a happiness-filled day friends!