Monday 9 December 2013

entry 12

this is me explaining my predicament to a beautiful friend of mine:

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YES WHAT JUST SAY IT WOMAN Jesse Tran 17:54 Jesse Tran (copied from the blog) so yesterday in maths, will somehow acquired a ladybug, and named it seaweed. seaweed was an odd ladybug because she basically just walked around his book for a while and then settled on the spine (a bunch of plastic rings) either cleaning herself, or pooping. we had to finish off some homework in this textbook we were sharing, and i kind of just whizzed through mostly because i had no idea how to answer some, so i was just left sitting there and staring at the questions i couldn't answer (what's cool is that during the actual class time where our teacher doesn't leave us to just finish homework, is that will helped me in some questions and that was really nice of him so ye). so seaweed began annoying will (it was pretty funny (to me), i was like 'looks like seaweed is... bUGGING you... and he was like haaaa /shakes head) and he passed it on to ariana (my friend sitting in front of me), but after a while she got sick of it as well so she passed it back and i took seaweed from him. at first seaweed was on my finger just chillin' and doing that mysterious action of either pooping or cleaning herself (OKAY I LOOKED UP LADYBUG POOP JUST THEN AND LUCKILY IT DIDN'T POOP ON ME OR I WOULD'VE NOTICED ASDFGH) and then i just watched her on my finger because she was seriously just staying still and i was beginning to wonder if she was like laying eggs on me so i kinda freaked out and put her on my pen. she stayed there for a while and i could kinda tired of just holding my pen up so carefully i laid her in the middle of the textbook me and will were sharing, and just watched her for a bit. that's when will finished doing his work and he was like 'okay so i'm just gonna close the text book for a while' and made the motion of closing the textbook and right then and there i made this really weird noise of 'KEEee' and stopped him from closing it and we just kinda looked at each other for a moment and he laughed and was like 'i wasn't actually gonna close it' and mimicked my sound and i was like jfc that was uncalled for and yeah it was really cool i felt like we were bonding /hides. so then after that we decided to release seaweed into the wild after class, and basically seaweed was just stationary on my pen so while we packed up our things i just held the pen and talked to my friend arianna. will packed up and got his bag and kind of left the classroom to talk to his other friends and stuff so i just kinda was like oh kay... so what should i do with seaweed- and arianna was like did will just leave you with his child and i was like yup but as i was walking out of the classroom will was kinda just waiting for me and was like 'jesse, let's go and release... her' and i was like :DDD okay friend (yes i was pretty happy he waited coz that's pretty damn cool) and we went out and released seaweed into these pretty bushes. that was kind of the end of that and will and arianna were walking the same way while i was going the opposite so we said our farewells until i kind of remembered that i left my laptop so i kinda turned back really hurriedly and then i saw will walking behind me and i think he was gonna say something but i was like i fORGOT MY LAPTOP NO and while i was running i heard him laughing (so i think we parted on fairly good terms and that's awesome). man this is so cool i feel like i'm making progress. recently with the other areas such as src guy and canoe guy and friend-making in the other classes i haven't been going places (especially with the speech because my teacher ended up saying it was highly engaging but she wasn't sure the topic was really clear and that it was more like a personal confession to the class (and i was like ha...ha... /sobs out of embarrassment UGH) but ye) so i feel better thinking back aha. Jesse Tran 17:54 Jesse Tran so basically htere's this seating plan in math and the teacher seated me next to this guy called adam first and he was basically like 'oOOOOH GETTING IN WITH THE ASIAN CHICK' and all that and i kind of went ugh no thank you dude r u fo shizzle mah nizzle and kinda yeah.. i didn't really... asdfg but then we had to move classes for a bit and i got seated next to this guy called will and that's a thing that happened with him Jesse Tran 17:57 Jesse Tran this was before the ladybug thing: oday at school we had a substitute teacher for maths, and of course the seating plan didn't need to be followed because well, we had a different teacher, but in maths will sat next to me and i kind of just reminded him that he could sit next to his friends but he was like nah i like you and then iunno for a moment i was like ... and then i was like ASDFGHJKLJHGFD FRIEND1!@!# but i didn't really show it but it meant a lot to me even though he was probably just saying that to make me feel better /kicks dirt. so yeah that kinda made my day. Jesse Tran 17:58 Jesse Tran this is before the above: at first it was okay because we were allowed to sit next to our friends again but then guess what. ... you probably guessed right. another seating plan was put into order and this time it was another guy called will, who i had once lent a calculator to (i pride myself on that fact yo). will's cool. he's like the class clown but he's nice, so this time i'm a tad happier where i am ehe. i find it cool because although i'm not amazing at maths i'm good enough, and will is okay at it so basically i can help him and these last two lessons i've been helping him so that's pretty awesome - it makes me feel as if I've done something good LOL. it's so awesome because i was kind of just copying questions down and we were sharing textbooks and he asked if i had done question f, which i hadn't. and basically he told me what you had to do and i was like well okay thanks i think and he was like no worries i felt like i needed to show off to you and i was like well... thank you again. and he seems really nice so i wouldn't mind getting to know him more! /puts on victory headband I FEEL AS IF I'M MAKING FRIEND AND IT's GLORIOUS GUYS. Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay 17:59 Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay wow WOW Jesse Tran 17:59 Jesse Tran maKING FRIEND /VICTORIOUS FIST PUMP Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay 17:59 Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay WOOOWW Woah Jesse Tran 18:00 Jesse Tran what -- Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay 18:00 Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay s Jesse Tran 18:00 Jesse Tran what's with that reaction what BUT ANYWAY CHRISTMAS IS COMING UP Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay 18:00 Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay (Creepy smile) Jesse Tran 18:00 Jesse Tran and i was contemplating who to give christmas cards to ? right then-- Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay 18:00 Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay No changing subject Jesse. Jesse Tran 18:00 Jesse Tran no it's adding onto that asdfgh but okay right Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay 18:00 Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay (Creepy smile stretches) Jesse Tran 18:00 Jesse Tran uhm DUDE LET ME TELL YOU THE THING ASDFGHJK I'M HAPPY ASDFGH Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay 18:00 Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay No Jesse Tran 18:00 Jesse Tran BUT BUT BUT Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay 18:01 Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay ME talk now Jesse Tran 18:01 Jesse Tran IT MADE ME SO HAPPY HOLD ON Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay 18:01 Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay KHVLKHJBCLKJBWLCKJBSLJHCB Jesse Tran 18:01 Jesse Tran I TELL YOU THING AND THEN Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay 18:01 Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay HE Jesse Tran 18:01 Jesse Tran YOU TALK!! DUDE ssafjh Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay 18:01 Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay YOU SO CUTE AHSKJLKSJCLKJSGCJHWSCLJHGWCJKHVCKJHCVWKWD OKAY GO HURRY BEFORE I SDIE DIE go go gooooo Jesse Tran 18:01 Jesse Tran okay oksao kksdfwfd okay so basically i was wondering who to give christmas cards to and made like a list and i was thinking whether or not to put will on the list because i think he was kinda my friend?? and he said hi to me a couple times and that made me smile because wow friend Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay 18:02 Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay Put him on obviously Jesse Tran 18:02 Jesse Tran but okay so i was really hesitant whether or not so on friday Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay 18:02 Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay He's toates your friend yeah Jesse Tran 18:02 Jesse Tran while he was walking past my class Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay 18:02 Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay yeah Jesse Tran 18:02 Jesse Tran i went up to him and kind of like died and was like uhm do you want a christmas card--- Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay 18:02 Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay Awwww Jesse Tran 18:02 Jesse Tran and he stopped and i didn't really see his face because i was like dying and i was like because i uh i kinda figured we were friends and then i stuttered and was like uh you know what nevermind Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay 18:03 Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay Heheheh Jesse Tran 18:03 Jesse Tran asdfghj so i walked away like really quickluy Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay 18:03 Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay awwww Hahaha Jesse Tran 18:03 Jesse Tran and then he was like wait! and followed me Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay 18:03 Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay AWWWWW Jesse Tran 18:03 Jesse Tran and was like grinning and was like yeah sure i want a christmas card and then i nodded Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay 18:03 Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay AKJDLKAJDGLKAJDA DIES INSIDE Jesse Tran 18:03 Jesse Tran and he like stood there for a moment and was like 'aw' and i was like ...?? and he was like we're friends Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay 18:03 Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay HAHAHAHA Jesse Tran 18:04 Jesse Tran and i was like ... ... :...D and he was like Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay 18:04 Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay xD Jesse Tran 18:04 Jesse Tran and i was like on the outside okay coolies friends coolies but on the inside i was like Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay 18:04 Kaitlyn Mattea Jesse Hay A whole converstaion expressed in smilies Jesse Tran 18:04 Jesse Tran FRIEND THAT'S SO COOL LOL YES but yeah

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currently, i am crying on the inside.

yesterday i gave ladybug guy the card and he smiled and said thanks and this was in maths so i could see whether he was gonna open it or not which he didn't. so i was like oh okay that's actually a relief because none of his friends could see the embarrassing things i wrote in there (which went along the lines of: 'y'know, it was fun sitting next to you in maths//i tend to be really quiet with people i don't know but i'm glad that you talked to me so thank you (for talking to me)//you make talking to people seem so easy and iunno maybe it's just me but that's an awesome quality since i'm such an awkward sausage//the whole thing with seaweed was fun to say the least//so thank you again! etc etc) but anyway i really wanted to know what his response to my card was gonna be because i put a hella lot of thought into it /sobs.


but i don't think he opened it until he got home or something?? iunno.
anyway, today me and my friends went down to practice for busking (exciting!! it's tomorrow; gonna go up to sydney and basically sing on the streets and gain money for the school-- hopefully we're not too terrible) and when we went to the music classroom ladybug guy was in there and he was packing up and kind of getting ready to go? and we made eye contact and he looked away and i was like oh uh hey will and he kind of looked back at me with this maybe awkward weird smile and was like hey...


and he left


i think i


screwed up big time


i did the bad thing


the bad


/SOBS LOUDLY


LIKE DUDE DID I JUST SCREW UP EVERYTHING


i seriously 


oh god


i


i'm so


i


i don't even have the words to express to


UGH


i guess i was expecting something more? what was i expecting, i'm not exactly sure. i guess maybe something like: thanks for the card, i hope next year will be fun? something lame like that i guess--
but nothing


nada


maybe i'm overthinking it?


but he just seemed really awkward and this is the non-awkward clown dude who makes everything seem so easy and i even admire him for that and???


jesus christ


also today i was pondering: what is the point of liking canoe guy??? why do i want to talk to him when i'm so terrible at it and when there's so many other girls and they're all popular and beautiful and nice and then there's me- and i'm just me and i'm pretty sure he's lost any interest he may've had in me because i've always been too hesitant to actually make real conversation


but


then he presented this thing for english


and this


this thing 


like his neck and his back and ugh


i think i have a thing for necks and backs now


i just

i'm so done.

this has been entry 12, have a nice everything and be strong and safe and be happy most of all.

bye. /sighs.

Friday 6 December 2013

entry 11

wow so, so many things have happened.

or at the very least, it seems so long since i last wrote here. maybe because i've been meaning to, i just haven't.

christmas is near and that means it's nearly time for me to write my long-ass christmas cards.

...

it's actually really fun, writing christmas cards.

i went rollerskating today. it was fun and i think i'm getting better at it. i love achieving the feeling of gliding -- which doesn't come too often when you're busy struggling not to hit the ground with your face. my friend got me into mariana trench and i'm considering signing up for festivus (a school thing) and performing.

so sometimes i get these moments where i wonder what i'm doing and whether it's pointless or not.

and then other times i get really happy looking back at the people i've met, and wanting to get to know them more.

today i was more... just proud and super happy at myself because i've actually made quite a few friends or made myself more approachable to certain people and that's really awesome.

my friend avery today was like

jesse okay there's something hard in my pocket

and i was like dude wth r u talking about m8

and he pulled out this soy sauce container in the shape of a small fish
shrugged
and gave it to me

and i was like dude why do i want this is it because i'm asian

and he laughed

but i still have it

i don't even know

so y'know ladybug guy?

today i was pondering whether or not to ask him if he wanted a christmas card because i figured -- i think we were kind of friends?? i just thought it might be nice to give him one but i just wasn't sure if it'd be weird or not -- so basically all day i was like okay should i ask him or not and he was walking by my english class (last class of the day) and so i went up to him and was like hey, uhm do you want a christmas card? and i'm pretty sure he was like o: so i just went on and was like because i kinda figured... we were... friends asdfg and ughGHGH i seriously stuttered so much and kind of just was like 'n-nevermind yo issok' and walked away but he followed me and was like 'aw' i think and said 'sure'

and later he was like

'we're friends'

and asdfghjkLKJHG okay that made me happy ugh

that's nice of him y'know-- awh man okay that's really cool

and dadjokes

dadjokes are beautiful

okay so i had this plan

as a conversation starter, just using dadjokes

the dadjoke i used today was:

'hey so what do you call a fish without eyes'
'a fsh'

ba DUM TSK

so funny right

anyway, i told this to canoe guy today

and he smiled and shook his head saying 'that's terrible'

to which i replied 'it's beautiful!'

and we kind of laughed a bit before i just walked ahead, before stopping and saying 'i can tell you more next friday' and he nodded, and then i was like 'look forward to it aha' and then we both kind of parted with 'have a good weekend'. i'm pretty sure i came off as odd but i made him smile and that's worth it /flops.

mang, seriously when he smiles-- what a dork. if i tell someone they're smile is really pretty, would that be a bit creepy?

hm.

i really want to talk to him more asdfg. i want to talk to a lot of people more actually.

i just hesitate especially when it comes to seeing how other people do way better at me at talking, and i just think of myself as inferior and i know that's not the case, it just... yeah. it's like i can do something but in the end that something won't even account to much?

although the other day me and claire were talking. we were talking about when i was in keira and how i moved to smiths hill and i said i was glad i moved to smiths hill, and she said she was glad too. then she said when i was in year seven, in tech class, i turned to her one day smiled and said that she had pretty eyes. she said i seemed really outgoing then and she couldn't believe i actually felt shy, but honestly i don't even remember past me saying that -- it was just an offhand comment. and yet, she remembered it and when she told me that i just felt proud of my little self. if i ever went back in time, i'd give my little self a pat on the back -- but if i met her when she was still in keira i'd give her a hug. did i ever tell you guys about that? how in keira i kind of just retreated into my own little shell? i think i did, but that''s the gist of it. i didn't smile, didn't talk, didn't try.

if my past self could see the present me, would she be proud?

that's a really odd question. good one though, huh?

with christmas coming, the end of school is also impending and that means i'll be in year ten next year and the thought it a bit frightening, where is time going? also, i signed up for being in a buddy program (because 4 new people are coming next year! how cool! i feel for them though, they must be at least a little anxious -- which is why i want to help them) and for planning the year ten formal i really hope i get picked.

i'm really done with canoe guy though. i'm not sure whether i like him or not because i'm so done and every time i look at him i remind myself i am an idiot so i always tend to look away now.

also, busking.

busking will be great. we'll be going with the vocal ensemble and singing on the streets and wow it'll be so cool.

also, my audition is in a week and i have to practice.

also, it's 3:52am. dayum.

so that's it for now! this was entry 11 and i hope everyone who reads this has an amazing day.

bye!