Thursday 27 February 2014

entry 21

26/2

maths was my first class today--

BUT WAIT I FORGOT TO SAY SOMETHING about when i got back from bush school it's really little but basically noir was sitting across from me on the bus and on the bus ride home she was like hey jesse

and i was like oh, yeah?

and she replied you're like my role model now, you have such a good voice

and i kind of embarrassedly replied with a thank you

but i was really happy

and later as we were getting off the bus, i went up to her and was like hey noir! and she was like yeah? and basically i just told her that she was inspirational as well and she laughed and was like how so? and i was like well, you talk to a lot of people and you make it seem really easy and she laughed again and hugged me and told me i was cute

but i really meant it

noir talks to a lot of people with ease and it's so cool because she's a genuinely nice person and i kind of aspire to be like her

but anyway

maths was my first class today and i came in and sat down and was waiting for claire: maths buddy to show up and class had already started when the teacher was like HEY (what should i call the dude i guess i'll call him jude because jude is a cool name) jUDE SIT OVER HERE BECAUSE UR DISRUPTING THE CLASS

and she pointed to the empty seat beside me

and i was like o...h

and then he came up and sat next to me was kinda like 'sup as he sat down and i kind of nodded and smiled a bit

but when claire entered the classroom

i swear to god maybe it wasn't telepathic but i locked eyes with her and deep within me there was a horrified whisper of 'no' because she was left alone and i was also kind of left alone to fend for myself because i've never really talked to jude because he's well, also that type of far away person y'know?

so we stayed hella silent for a long time

when i got up to this question

and it was horrible but i could do it but at the same time i was stuck on one part of it

and i knew that jude had nearly finished the worksheet because he asked the teacher for help on question ten when i was still on question six (sob)

so after a LONG while of hesitating on whether or not to ask him but i knew i should because talking is a good thing and talking to new people is a beautiful thing

i was like

hey... jude

and he turned to me

and i was like, do you know how to do this question?

and he was like oh

and helped me out with it

and i kind of got it but kind of didn't but it gave me hints on how to do it

and i was like thank you

but really softly and that was accidentally and he kind of just nodded and went back to his work

but then i found out the formula and was like oh!! thank you! again and he made this noise of acknowledgement

uh

it was a very short interaction but i felt proud of myself for having the guts but then one thing that i've noticed since the first time i saw him was that he is also a pretty dude

and so after class ended

he was walking out

and by the time i got up i'd already made up my mind because there was this one thing and hey, i'll post a picture here:

yeah.

/laughs nervously.

that's what was motivating me and so i went up to him and was like yo jude

and he was like ?? yeah..?

and i was like you're very pretty

and then slowly

he smiled

and god smiles are so beautiful

and in an amused tone, he said thank you.

so yeah.

i just thought people think about other people so much and passing thoughts would be 'wow how pretty' but they're never told for some reason even though they'd make the other person feel fab so i guess i was like hey why don't i just say this because smiles are wonderful

so yeah i did.

science today was also really fun.

reBECCA IS THE SASS MASTER I SWEAR TO GOD BUT SHE's SO FABULOUS OMFG

like okay

this was just one thing but she was getting the equipment for an experiment and the teacher was like bending over and talking to this student and she was trying to get past him

and i noticed that and she was just standing there really awkwardly and then i started laughing

and she made eye contact with me and then scrunched her face up and shook her head

buT IT WAS SO FUNNY LIKE THE TEACHER'S BUTT WAS IN HER WAY AND SHE HAD THIS EXPRESSION OF 'fml' AND

yeah

it was hilarious and then she came up to me and was like no jesse stop laughing

but i laughed even harder

and yeah

science was fun

and a tad

odd i guess

i think people stole canoe guy and his friend's seat so they sat behind me and my friends and canoe guy was right behind me and i felt like i wanted to talk to him so much but i... yeah. and i heard him banter and y'know

just hearing him with a smile in his voice is nice

urgh i'm so weird

but also i was talking about wings with claire today

long story short i saw this tumblr post about what people'd be like with wings in everyday life

and i started to draw wings

wings for canoe guy, ariana, cinekha, will, heck, even soul

and these wings

mean a lot because they personify the person and i give them wings which i think suit them and describe them

claire-bear asked me to describe her senpai's wings which was damn adorable and so i did and apparently i made her almost cry bUT TEARS OF TOUCHED-NESS AND IT WAS GR8

she said it was a beautiful talent i had and how it was amazing i could think it up on spot

and that was a really

like... impacting compliment haha

i guess it's because i'm a writer that it was so impacting but it was also because i'm a writer that i could think up something like a person's wings on spot but i guess it's also because i think about things a hella lot and more than i should probably and that's why it's easy for me to try and see a person's view and use that perspective to further explain things

it's really weird because somehow these wings have become precious to me in such a short time and i feel like i want to tell people what they're wings would be--

because if everyone really did have wings it'd be hard not to fall in love with each and every individual because of the simple but unique beauty every pair holds

but y'know everyone holds a uniqueness to themselves even without wings, so i guess that's okay

but with wings it'd be more apparent

more prominent

easier to recognise that our bodies are something to be loved and not shamed

and it's very sad and odd because it's ourselves who do the shaming

but

anyway

one thing that's been plaguing my mind is that i want to tell canoe guy about his wings, hah

i'll give you guys a very bad quality picture:

edit: digital version

they'd angle in towards the small of his back but the tips wouldn't meet unlike cinekha's (you can spot hers in the top right) and his wings would be medium-sized and y'know i don't think they'd be that extravagant compared to ariana's or will's which are next to canoe guy's in the left but the left wing hasn't been drawn for will but

the tips of his wings - the bone that folds; the two apexes - they'd look pointy because of his feathers (his wings would be a mixture of feathers and fluff and they'd look fairly neat but they're actually pretty messy but not very noticeably so) but they really aren't

if you touched them they'd be rounded and strong and if you ran your hand down the joint it'd be smooth and maybe a tiny bit angular, but surprisingly supportive if that makes sense

lol i'm

ugh

i'm

ugh

anyway

his wings would be a colour several shades darker than tumeric but that'd only be in some random patches and his wing base colour would mostly be a light caramel

yeah

OH AND I WENT TO BASKETBALL TODAY

AND although we didn't win, we did really well i reckon!! my friend's mum (zara's mum) was laughing and joking and made a remark about how i was getting in there and stealing the ball off the tall people and that was funny and actually really nice hehe, since my parents don't come to watch because they're busy it's a really nice feeling to be... recognized... i guess? but it was so nice of her!! my hair was really sweaty afterwards and i felt proud because it was like my hard work and effort transformed into a palpable form which was the sweat kekeke and i told my brother this fact and he was like ew don't sweat on my carseat and i sighed and shook my head and sweat probably flew at him then but he just didn't understand

brothers, what can you do.

anywaaay

i better mark the date (yesterday i was continuing writing this post at night when i was told to go to bed so--) 27/2

mkay... so today (thursday)!

after school i had this convo with this dude called josh in the year below me and josh is pretty damn awesome - we've been kind of friendly acquaintances and i say hi to him whenever i see him and he also went to my primary school

i found it so easy to talk to him and he offered me a piece of gum and that was hella rad

then i had to leave

but we talked about fishing and swimming and i made him laugh a couple of times and i've mentioned this so many times bUT MAKING A PERSON LAUGH OR SMILE IS SO COOL

also

canoe guy passed by where i sat today and i don't know who waved first but we both smiled and waved at each other and.. /hides that was nice

um

on another note i've been saying hello to different people and i'm happy for that haha

ye

this is entry 21 and i have a lot of homework to do /sob

i hope you guys are having a beautiful time wherever any of you are and reminder to sit up straight and drink water because it's v. good for you!!

/dances away

Monday 24 February 2014

entry 20

i realised that i forgot to write about some other stuff but now that the whole bush school event thing has been explained, i can focus more on the smaller things.

so i was talking to iggy and iggy's my cutie patootie friend from tumblr and we were talking about feelings and this was what came up:

'i guess there's a difference between liking the cute attention he gives you and actually liking someone? like how there are different types of attraction but i don't know because i've never liked anyone except for /cOUGHS canoe guy but yeah, i know that at camp though i was feeling really confused

because that chest feeling had kind of faded especially when his friends were being ugly butts but i knew that i still liked him because i thought of him all the time and it was just horrible because he was always on my mind somewhere and ugh

but yeah i got really confused because i knew that i liked him so much but the chest feeling wasn't there and i talked to my friend claire and if you read the post already then you know she's the one whose liked the guy for three years+ and she was like

well, i don't get that feeling when i see the guy i like but i know that i like him

and she told me that everyone feels differently and it's okay to be scared but she told me she was pretty sure i liked him because of like, well, everything and she basically just said it's okay

but that chest feeling is there when i actually interact with him it just isn't so much now when i say hello to him because i know that i want to get to know him better and not just be stuck at this fleeting hello stage even though they do make me happy

but yes'

and well, yeah. that's pretty explanatory.

for now i just... i'll try to talk to him more and not be so scared especially because of my overthinking - it results in me putting up these small but prominent walls i guess you could say and it makes me a lot more hesitant when i should just really not think about it so much.

what made me so sure that i still liked him a hella lot was that i could always pick him apart in a crowd or god i don't know maybe that's me /wanting/ to pick him out from a crowd or some shiz but i just always looked for him and when i heard his voice i always kind of perked up and wanted to see him. i guess advice to this would probably be 'don't think about it too much' so i guess i'll do that and go with the flow? /shrugs.

but anyway...

today was the study night thing and i realised that people actually probs studied a hella lot whereas i've always been cruising and only studying for tests and i thought that was normal - to only study maybe a few days before tests and reviewing sometimes - but apparently it's not... /coughs.

i came in with my mum and sat a space from this parent who smiled and said something akin to hey and i nodded politely and smiled.

the teachers told us a lot about japan and it was so cool hearing about what we'd do and i'm pretty damn excited for it and i should probably sign up for a passport soon when ladybug guy/will entered the room with his friend and i was pretty surprised when that guy across from me turned out to be his dad and so will squeezed across and sat next to me and his dad.

all these details are pretty unnecessary so i'll get straight to the point.

basically, my mum had to write something down some time half-way during the debriefing and this was after the students had to get up and fetch the forms so i was just sitting down when she asked me where my diary was so she could rest the sheets on it to write stuff with more ease

so i kind of was like

...wasn't it left on my seat?

so i felt my butt area and i was kind of panicking when--

i spotted the familiar coloured-in words and doodles of my diary cover on will's lap

...

will was holding his sheets in front of him over my diary and i don't know if he knew he had my diary or not

so minutes passed with mum going where's ur diary

inwardly i was going uhhh weLL will has it and that's awkward like dude my diary looks pretty unique i mean i coloured it in and iunno if his is coloured in but i'm pretty sure the S i turned into a unicorn is pretty different from other s's and well sdfghj

...so i shifted in my seat

and mum asked again

so i was like... leaning over slightly to will and debating how to go about getting my diary back

when slowly will put his papers down

and was like

'...this is your diary isn't it.'

and i was holding back this laugh all of a sudden because i just found it really funny how awkward he sounded

so i replied

'yes, it is.'

and he handed it to me really slowly and i took it back really slowly and then i just sat there kind of inwardly laughing to myself

and i looked back and he was like smiling really sheepishly so i laughed out loud and was like 'you're horrible' and iunno if he heard but he was still smiling

so yeah

that was pretty cool.

i also forgot to mention in the last entry but there were little things that happened at bush school as well. i talked to this guy chris while walking with zara from the beach! i was about to start talking when zara started talking and before i was about to talk about learn to surf when he kind of smoothly gave me the chance when he was like oh yeah, learn to surf, how's that? and i was like chance!! so i kind of felt that he knew how i felt and that was cool and he's really cool and i want to get to know him better!!! :D

speaking of getting to know people better

uhm so today

which is tuesday

oh man y'know i should like add dates to this because i've been on and off writing this post

BUT WAIT

OKAY

SO Y'KNOW EARLIER ON THIS POST ABOUT THE CHEST FEELING

i was really confused earlier after getting into the car to go home

and that was because i just finished talking to canoe guy

so

i walked out of science and rounded the corner and canoe guy was a few steps in front of me and throughout walking behind him to the stairs leading to the canteen, i was continuously thinking to myself about how there was nothing to lose if i talked to him

i was just motivating myself to talk to him when finally he reached the stairs so i dashed towards him and ended up slowing beside him near the steps and i was like, hey //canoe guy//!

and canoe guy turned and said hey

and i had no plan, honestly all the questions i was thinking beforehand slipped from my mind

but then canoe guy said how are you

and writing this now i'm smiling because that's nice of him to ask that

...

but anyway

i was like i'm okay :D

and then i suddenly got a question and i was like hey so did you understand that stuff in science?

and he was like mmm yeah kind of

and i was like really? coz i was failing, especially with the vector thingies

and he was like haha! me and alex argued about that to see who was right

and then he was like

i was right

i'm pretty happy about that

BUT

OKAY

that

i wish i responded better but he smiled and was so cute

but soon after

i asked him if he knew how to do the vector questions

and he nodded and he told me how to do it and right now i'm kind of just staring at the sheet because he.. kind of inspired me to finish the work but i'm still not really sure how to do it and ugh.

but then i asked him a bit about the flower and he said thank you again and i just asked him if he actually got the message and he responded albeit maybe a bit awkwardly and said yeah, he got it and i was like haha okay

and for a brief moment i was walking in front of him and that reminded me of the time i told him that joke and walked in front of him until i called back that i'd tell him more -- did i mention it in my earlier posts? i'm sure i did, but i walked in front of him until i turned around and said see ya and he also said see ya

and as i was walking away

i was freaking about this feeling earlier but now i'm not but i'll describe it anyway

i hadn't gotten that chest/smothering feeling in a while

but as i was walking away

it wasn't that chest feeling, but rather this.. flittering nervousness that kind of reminds me of a butterfly but not so much as the ones you get in your stomach - it was somewhere near my heart?

i was very confused about that so when i got home i messaged ruby straight away but it wasn't until i was asking claire about it when she said this:

Well maybe the chest thing is a result of not being able to be with someone, like I get it when Sacha gets off the bus and I realise that he doesn't like me, and I'm not really friends with him. The smothering feeling is more painful, so maybe because you're talking and getting closer you don't feel it.

and that reminded me of something

sometime ago, maybe even two years ago or more - i was talking to my friend sophia about my friend brianna and kind of fangirling because brianna told me she got that chest feeling for this dude in the upper years

and sophia was like

no that's only because she can't actually get to know him

in other words

because he's far away

y'know?

that got me thinking.

and with claire's words i kind of just.... 'oh'.

because i know that i still really

like

canoe guy

i always want to talk to him and i love seeing him around and those little times where we make eye contact make me breathe in deeply and it's as if it feels like the opposite where i'm breathless which is really weird and i might not be making sense

but god i want to get to know him

i want to talk to him so much haha

...

uhm, so.. moving on from that subject, today in acting!! it was really fun. i talked a bit to this new girl lizzie who is actually like hella pretty and she's hella cool as well! she and jordan were across the room from me and zara because we had to be in two-people groups to do this activity thing and they were saying something when finally i could make out that lizzie said my trademark was beautiful and i laughed and called back that i'd do one for her too

my trademark being a fabulous drawing of a poopie B)

but yeah!! that was cool hehe. in acting i also talked a bit with this guy called sam who my friend ellie is paired quite well with but yeah i just accidentally took his paper and he made this funny noise and i laughed and was like haha sorry and he grinned

but yeah

i also talked to lenalee today with zara and we talked briefly about marine science which she was doing -- i went to queensland last year and that was pretty fun but yeah, you go to queensland if you do marine science and i'm pretty sure canoe guy's in her class but i'm not sure but lenalee said that her class was mostly year tens and it got me thinking

but i always think a lot so that's not very new

but yeah. lenalee's really pretty! everyone's so beautiful ahhh *0*

but me and zara were talking today about how our friendship group is quite secluded and away from the rest of year

and we were saying how we wanted to kind of.. connect more with the year and go down to the place where they all sit more often so we can actually talk to them

but that's just an idea

a good one though

but anyway

i love people!!

seeing them smile is just so nice.

so on another note my japanese teacher told me i was the chief designer, designing a diary we're bringing to japan.

along with my friend jamilla.

i have to think of a design!! THIS IS MY RESPONSIBILITY AND THIS WILL BE A CHALLENGE BUT HELLA FUN.

YEE!!

so yes i am quite excited for japan /coughs but hehe.

i'm going to try to say hello to more people tomorrow.

i also got a new bag and it's so pretty it's red and has gold and ahhh and my beautiful bro got me keychains from death note and katekyo hitman reborn and got me a panda hat and a cat bookmark and i'm pretty happy.

i'm.. really happy hehe.

this is entry 20 and my thoughts are all over the place so i might've missed something and i also have to edit last entry because there were lots of typos but uhm.

yes.

i'm just.. very happy with everything.

see ya readers! sit up straight and smile because smiles are absolutely beautiful no matter what.

Friday 21 February 2014

entry 19

oKAY SO SO MANY THINGS HAPPENED AT BUSH SCHOOL.

GOD.

YES.

i don't think i can explain in words how happy i feel, aha. i'm so sad it's over but i'm very amazed at what's happened but still i'm really sad. i'm... well, on monday, will everything go back to how it was? all the cliques, all the: 'you talk to this person, you do this, you do that', kind of thing? or well, i guess not but like... there just won't be as many opportunities to talk to new people as there was at bush school is what i'm trying to say. i feel like i became close to my friends and that i made new friends and god, i'm so happy.

so, somewhere along the lines of this i'd been saying hello to canoe guy but i don't really remember which days they were but waving to him and seeing him wave back is asdfgh /hides away.

but anyway...

i'll start with monday.

uhm, i can't remember what happened much on monday but the fact that i was really glad when we stopped for lunch at kfc/mcdonalds and canoe guy came in with his friends and his friends called out my name and then canoe guy smiled at me and waved and said hi for once and that was really awesome and very relieving because i was panicking about what'd happen if he wouldn't want to meet my eyes anymore but he did. i'm so happy about that but bush school has put me into this overall sUPER happy mood and god, i'm so sad it's over but i'm so happy i can write this because i never want to forget it.

on monday... dinner was steak/sausage sandwiches i think and i had to prepare with my friends because i was in group 1 - 5, i think i was like... 2? but anyway, that day i started talking to some really cool people like jordan i think who was cutting lettuce and i cut lettuce with her and that was cool like, those little things are ASDFHGJKL i can't even-- but anyway, we started to prepare capsicum and jordan didn't know how to cut them so i just did something i'd seen my bro do which is cutting the capsicum in half and ripping out the seeds at the top - and jordan followed and said something akin to 'i'll do what jesse's doing because she seems to know what she's doing' hehehe and that was cool!! and oh yeah, colleen was also preparing stuff and we started making noises at each other ('mep', for reference's sake) and before this camp we were still kind of in that awkward 'we are friends yis' stage but now it's like 'ye!! friend!!' and i'm really happy about that too, hehe. my god, i'm just so happy. also, my friend rebecca has tHE CUTEST LAUGH WHEN YOU TICKLE HER.

we also had to serve the dinner and i was with the lettuce and let me tell you it was horrible, i'd never make money serving lettuce so future me, don't do ANYTHING to do with lettuce in the future. i also talked to ladybug guy for the first time in ages then and that was when i was serving him lettuce and i served him so much and i felt so bad and i was like profusely saying sorry and he was like laughing and going like don't worry but yeah.

but basically, monday was just spent on settling in and such and that day we also walked down to the beach and that was beautiful because it was at night and the stars, god, they were just amazing and i had high definition view because of my glasses and ahhhh stars are amazing. that night, i think we also got our hunger games themed game going - basically, you got a slip of paper with your name and your person's name and basically you had to kill that person, and to do that you had to go up to them at least 2 metres away from anyone else - out of earshot - and say 'you're out of the game to them' and the last two people would win. apparently the earlier year's game lasted 18 months and our one is still going but i'm pretty sure it'll end really soon.

anyway,  i was walking around with ruby moments before going to the beach when soul and his buddies came up to me and soul was like 'i need to talk to you' but then his friends were like lol stop trying to trick people and it wasn't much but it was like eh, hey at least i'm talked to right? iunno but soon after me and ruby were walking through the washing up area when frICKING FISH sorry i guess he's not that bad?? but fish and his friend.... jack of spades? dude well let's call him card then- fish and card came up to me and were like 'jesse we need to talk to you alone, it's about //canoe guy//' and i was like 'HAHAHAHAHA NOPE NO WAY SORRY DUDES' so i just pretty much speed walked out of there with ruby and then moments after i was freaking out but ruby reassured me they were probs trying to trick me into being alone so they could kill me (which does not make sense now because i know who killed me and that was my friend, let's called her delight hehe, but yes) but all in all, they were probably trying to screw with me, so yes.

at the beach soul came up to me again to preach about allah and idek, but hey, it's worth mentioning because it was pretty amusing.

at supper though, i was lining up for milo like everyone else and i was in front of fish and card and i HEARD THEM UGH I HEARD THEM GO 'oh it's jesse, where's //canoe guy//' and holy shit okay, seriously if they do something to screw with me again i'm probs gonna use my martial arts skills yo. but seriously... /shakes head.

OH!!

AND THIS WAS THE DAY okay, so we were walking to the beach for the first time (no swimming, just walking around and me and my friends went to the rock pool and that was cool) and i was like kind of behind canoe guy and he was carrying some stuff for the teacher - two bags - and they looked pretty heavy so i kind of was deciding whether or not to help him when i was like why not?? so i went up to him and was like do you need help?' and he was like 'oh, sure, okay' and he gave me one and he was like 'ohh that's the heavy one though, do you want me to give you the lighter one?' and i was like 'haha, no i'm fine' and  that's when he kind of looked down and then back at me and told me he got the flower and he said thank you and i was really caught offguard then so i kind of answered like: 'oh... i see.. that's... good...' and he smiled and oh god, he's beautiful, but i kind of just... got flustered and we didn't talk any more because we had to put down the stuff and then he went up to his friends and stuff and ye. but, uhm /coughs that was pretty awesome. i just really want to talk to him more and i'm stupid because recently i've just been overthinking so much and comparing myself to other people. but i'll try. i have to promise myself that, coz i'm not the type to give up, that's what my friend katie would say hah, but yeah, i've been contemplating it but it's stupid but i guess i'm just unsure. but that's everyone, supposedly. everytime i get into that 'that's i'm giving up on u because u suck' state, he always does something even if it's just smiling at me that just... god.

so, tuesday.

hm... what happened on tuesday--?

looking back on my texts with katie i don't think much happened. except going to the beach for the second time - we seriously went like every day and now i am a tanned potatino - OH, yes and this was the day my friend delight lost her sunglasses and asked me to come with her to find them and kILLED ME. /nods. yes. i was pretty like... i think my reaction her saying 'you're out of the game' was like... *silence* ......my heart... you broke it...

yeah. it was pretty funny though aha, though i would've liked to stay in the game longer but hey, oh well. the prizes for winning was two mockingjay pins but i don't think i'd make use of it that much, so yeah.

OH WAIT

WE HAD THE FIRST AID THING TODAY.

okay, so before going to the beach for the first time, we were split up into groups to do this booklet of health to get our health certificate i think, and it was learning from other students who'd already done some first aid and we were split up into groups according to our last name which was okay because ariana and sophia were in my group.

the first group was pretty interesting - we were learning about cuts and burns i think and then we moved onto the second group which was about allergies and asthma and stuff like that and that was the first interaction i had with this girl called aurora where basically we had to pretend we had a bad peanut reaction and she was like 'i vote jesse does it' and i was like 'nah i vote aurora does it' and aurora was like 'darn my plan backfired' and we kind of smiled at each other and that was pretty cool hehe. and then we moved onto jamilla and claire's group which was about stings and bites from poisonous things and that was like the only group i actually learned things from because they explained it well. aaand then we moved onto cpr, which was ladybug guy's group, leading the thing (i kind of wanted to go to canoe guy's group because i think he was also teaching it but it was about rotations not choice so uhm, god i'm weird).

one thing with the cpr lesson was that after ladybug guy taught it and okay i'm just going to call him will now because it's not as if anyone from my school except my friends will actually read this, but basically after will demonstrated and told us everything about the cpr thing along with the other group leaders, he asked for volunteers and no one volunteered and he was like well i'm going to have to ask people to come up and he was looking at me and i was like oh dear lord no you don't and he opened his mouth but luckily his other friends had chosen other people and he was like oh okay but then after they went down the process kind of repeated and he looked at me and i looked at him and he grinned and was like jesse!! come up! and i was like ugghhggh but yeah, i did it anyway. anyway i thought that was pretty cool because it was kind of like... the christmas card incident is kind of over maybe? if you're reading and you don't know, you'll see later on thursday.

this night we also went to the beach and that was just spent stargazing pretty much and running on the beach. at supper, that day was the day i became really unsure and very hesitant of pretty much everything and i look back on it and i feel kind of sorry for myself but basically i'm not sure if i mentioned her-- oh wait, yes i did and i called her lenalee.

so... lenalee. she's amazingly nice and i really want to get to know her better but uh /coughs... i.. she might like canoe guy? she has a better chance than me, anyway, seeing as she is friends with him because she sat next to him in maths last year and well that night at supper i kind of just saw a little thing which was her asking him to fill her cup for her and he teased her and was like nope sorry go get your own and i began thinking how nice it'd be if i were in her shoes but that's just me comparing myself to other people again and i just have a tendency to do things like that and it really sucks /rolls around.

i'm so silly.

i'm really not sure what happened on tuesday but uh.. somewhere we might've had like a talk with some uni students (J-wow, if i mention him later which i highly doubt i will is an inside joke about a cute uni dude and then it kind of... spiralled into madness but yeah, just... J-wow) about courses and stuff and it was pretty interesting but otherwise very boring because they didn't talk about any interests of mine which were things to do with writing/languages.

we had to do a swimming test on tuesday and it was horrible but i made it and we got to swim for three hours and right now i'm sitting at the computer with swollen-ish eyes because of all the salt they had to endure for the last few days.

so, onto wednesday.

there was the peer support discussions today and also the mini trip to the HMAS naval base. it rained on this day after we came back from creswell and the rain was awesome.

there were two trips to the naval base and i went to the second even though i kind of... really wanted to go on the first because, well, guess.

oh, and that reminds me that one thing i got really UGH about was the fact that i kept thinking about canoe guy and i just hated it because there were so many other things going on but i'm sure i'll do another blog entry with a comeback to me hating thinking about one thing so much because on the bus today (friday) me and ruby were writing to each other while sitting next to each other about it and she better bring it on monday.

the peer support discussion thingy was pretty good because the topic i got was the 'importance of friendship groups'. our year advisor came up to our group because we were the ones who were leading that particular topic and asked us if we remembered this one talk she did in year seven talking about friendship groups becoming prisons and we said we didn't and she explained to us how friendship groups basically could become prisons in a way that they hold people to it and that these prisons are known as cliques. the cliques restrain you from talking to people in 'lower' cliques and that's how their prisons. there's also the fact that there are standards for you to meet and such are friendship groups, but not all of them. just... quite a lot.

after the naval base, which was kinda cool because they told us all about the navy and joining it and damn it looks really cool but obviously i won't be joining any time soon, but it just kind of reminds me of mass effect and mass effect is a whole 'nother story of mine but basically mass effect is a game and commander shepard is badass -- okay well, after the naval base we were sent back to the campsite and not much happened except for lunch and stuff and then it started to rain.

but before it started to rain i remember walking with mother-hen claire and at this point i was kind of... i was frantic about lenalee and canoe guy. we were talking about how easy it'd be if 'things were different' and sure it's wishful thinking but the point is, is that it would honestly really be easier if things really were different and yeah. it kind of sucks. but anyway i was told not to compare myself to lenalee and... yeah. i guess you could say i'm trying. things like 'where do i stand?' and 'what's going to happen now?' come to my mind but it's okay because i just have to try because i'm a silly butt.

we went to the beach soon after and i don't think i swam that day, but instead i sat down with jamilla and claire and i did a thing.. the thing about me is that i /like/ keeping things to myself for my own sake and because of that i usually go my own way and try not to hurt people but jamilla got hurt because i was keeping it to myself and well

i never want to tell anyone who canoe guy is again because i feel insecure about many things and i overthink anyway so...

i know jamilla would never tell anyone -- and i have to put faith in her because she's my senpai and she's beautiful

i kind of maybe.. .feel a bit unsure about telling her but i don't because she hugged me later and said she was sincerely thankful i told her but to be thankful is one thing and i'm just really hesitant about this and if claire you're reading this, then know that it was my choice entirely so don't feel bad or anything like that.

/sigh. what's done is done i guess, i just have to put faith into jamilla.

now that i found out i'm actually a really private person about certain things like this i don't think i'll be telling anyone anything else any time soon but hey, you learn things every day y'know?

after this... there was trivia night!

trivia night was really fun but there isn't much to say about it, but that our team name was team wildcats and at first we were second last and then suddenly at the end we were fourth out of ten teams and that was so surprising, one of the people in my group taelah said we bop bop bopped to the top and it was a hilarious time.

aaand then there's thursday.

huskisson, the geography assignment, that little interaction with canoe guy that made me decide finally to just stop worrying, the dolphin watch cruise, marriage, a near-drowning experience, playing soccer, ladybug guy, talent night, becoming 'the next beyonce', having this guy hamish of all people compliment the act i did with ruby, hazza, jamilla, claire and zara, the little lightshow, hugs, feeling sad because it was the technical last day of camp...

for one, i feel like i've grown so much compared to last year and i feel as if i've actually... opened up to my year a little bit more and that makes me so happy.

huskisson.

the morning was spent finally cleaning out the tent due to harriet's orders because apparently there was this dead ant smell ruby and haz could smell but i have no idea what dead ants or ants smell like anyway, but eh, it was actually kind of fun cleaning hehe. my tent group was wonderful by the way!! it was ellie/haz/ruby and myself.

i'm eating pork and lettuce and brown rice and sesame seeds right now and it's nice and i'm so happy i'm back home too because therE IS FOOD EVERYWHERE!!! and also cereal god i love cereal.

anyway, the ride to huskisson was fun because we played i spy if that's how you spell it but also when we arrived we met up with everyone else and long story short, i kissed bri's head because she was complaining about how my other friends were doing it and i wanted to join in just to tease her and i did and it was pretty funny, hehe.

we walked to the dolphin cruise boat area and got the front of the boat to sit on-- we saw dolphins and they were amazing and they swam like right underneath the boat and ahhh dolphins!!! it was really cool and the ocean was so beautiful. from where i sat it kind of looked like a christmas tree because all the sunlight glittered off in all directions and if you kind of looked at it altogether, you could see the lights flickering as if it were christmas lights decorating a christmas tree and doing those random little patterns and it was beautiful.

the geography assignment we got seemed like a lot at first because it was this medium-thick green booklet but it really wasn't a lot and it was actually kind of easy but maybe that's because for maybe a little below half, i copied other people's answers but shh.

three quarters to the way back i ventured around the boat and met up with ariana and colleen and taelah and eren and a bunch of others and they started talking about how i was really cute and could be a tv show character or something and the tv show would be popular but uh

yeah that was interesting. you'll see why i'm mentioning this though coz taelah comes into play later and i'm really happy we're pretty good friends now because i never thought i would be, so it's really cool and i'm amazed and proud! :D

we got back to shore and the wind in my face was really cold so i was glad to be back on normal ground and the sun was nice. did i mention it was a beautiful day?

we came back and decided to go get lunch right away, as did pretty much everyone and we walked around for a bit until we found a fish and chips shop and i got chips and potato scallops with ellie and it was hUGE like the box was larger than an a4 sheet of paper and there were so many chips it didn't even look half finished when we chucked it out because no one could eat any more and no one wanted it anyway. but all throughout that when we were eating and doing our booklet, canoe guy was sitting behind us with his friends and it sucks because yes i was jealous of his friends that were girls sitting with him and talking so easily and then because of that jealousy i started thinking about how ugh i was for thinking about something like that when there were so many other good things to think about but---

yeah.

/sigh.

well i kind of was thinking about a way to end it once and for all and me being me was just thinking up of some bizarre plan (...let's not get too into detail about it but i figured i wouldn't exit without telling him everything lol but seriously i don't even know) but then later on after we'd kinda finished the booklet we decided to get ice cream and i was walking away when brianna the cookie called me over and gave me a booklet to give to this guy and i'm pretty sure she planned everything because on the booklet was the names of who was in his group and obviously canoe guy was in his group.

so i saw that they were in the distance and i was walking with my friends and we were reaching them when canoe guy glanced at me and i kind of strayed from my friends because i had to and this time he looked at me and i kind of... just walked up to him and held out the booklet and he leant down to get a better look at it and then i was like oh.. wait.. so i turned to the guy who owned the booklet and i was like you left this over there and pointed to where brianna was sitting and he was like oh.. and then i kind of nodded to the dude and out of the corner of my eye i saw canoe guy fiddling with his drink bottle which was hella cute and i swerved around the booklet dude and started walking but then god, canoe guy called out a 'thank you!' and i looked back and smiled at him and he smiled back

and

ugh

just.. it's those little things that keep on going like 'kEEP DOIN WHAT UR DOIN GIRLY beCAUSE DOKIDOKI /WINK WONK' and jESUS CHRIST.

i'm so done but i'm really not as well, y'know?

so then we got ice cream and we also talked to random people and they asked us what school we were from and i wished them a good day and god i love doing that because people smile at you and smiles are still the number one thing on my love list or whatever but seriously, the best thing ever.

we met up with taelah and the gang later on while we were waiting for the mini buses to arrive to take us back to the campsite finally when ariana started throwing a bottle and it bounced and landed near me and then it evolved into this three-way game between me, ariana and taelah just bouncing the bottle around and thus the bottle olympics was formed or well, i think we named it something spiffier but i can't really remember but that was pretty fun.

when we got back to the campsite, we finished off our booklets and taelah asked me to marry her and well i'm married now.

our weddings in a few months/weeks or sometime around there i'll be sure to write about it (/cackles).

so we went to the beach after that and there was this whole thing with jamilla and claire and essentially what happened was we went out too far and seeing as how i'm horrible at swimming i was clinging onto claire for support and that was when she started struggling and because of that i was like OH CRAP and i detached myself but as i was floating waves just kept on crashing and they were so huge at the time that i kind of just kept dying so i clung and un-clung to claire and then JAMILLA

JAMILLA WAS JUST FLOATING THERE WATCHING US

AND BECAUSE OF THAT

I JUST

I KEPT LAUGHING AT HOW TERRIBLE SHE WAS

EVERY TIME I CAME UP FOR AIR I WAS LAUGHING PROBABLY REALLY LOUDLY

AND SO WAS CLAIRE

AND THAT WAS WHY WE /KEPT/ ON DROWNING

but finally

we drifted into a shallower bit but we were still dying a bit when claire's senpai came up to us and i'm pretty sure he was like 'do you guys need help'

and by then i was just so done with jamilla and was like yE /drowns/ S???

but they both then just kind of floated there and finally i attached myself to jamilla and i was saved, pretty much.

a good thing that came out of that experience was that jamilla came up with a board to us and we were like what where'd you get that and apparently claire's senpai gave it to us so that we wouldn't drown (claire u go girl nice catch) but seriously, that was such a nice gesture!! people are so great ahhh.

but then the water got really cold

so i got out

and met up with taelah and my other friend s'nay on the beach and then taelah started going on about this dude in our year and dear lord that was the funniest and scariest and i don't even have words to describe it but...

yeah i...

nevermind.

but the events basically went like this: talking talking talking, other friends appearing, taelah giving me a piggy back, playing in the sand with cinekha, complimenting eren's name in japanese and then kicking a ball with sophia + david and matt.

so sophia came up to me with a ball and for a while she kept bouncing it and i kept missing it trying to kick it and my attempts were miserable but then david!!! david was there and he was like keep trying jesse and i was like really fired up and i wanted to continue but i think sophia got bored because then somehow we just settled into kicking the ball to each other in a square and matt's a cool dude and then we just kept kicking it and it was awesome because wow hello there nice people i quite enjoy the socialising going on here but aNYWAY sorry that's a bit odd

but basically after a long while of kicking the ball to each other, we were called to go back up to the campsite but before that, david took the ball from sophia and came up to me and he was like, okay jesse, you have to get this at least once and THAT WAS THE NICEST THING EVER AND I WAS LIKE /NODNOD OKAY YES PLEASE SURE!! and it was so cool

i missed it the first time so i asked for tips and sophia said that i should wait until it bounces once and then kick it and so i did that

and I KICKED IT

AND IT WAS THE MOST GLORIOUS FEELING

EVER

and then me and zara had to carry a board that someone left behind and because of that i forgot my hoodie which bri slapped my butt with later on and then i was like oh well thank you for my hoodie i was kinda panicking there and she was like don't thank me, tom was carrying it so i turned to thomas and thanked him and he smiled and said no problem

yes

i don't think i'll ever get over how amazing people are

but yeah

:D

not much happened until dinner and dinner was curry and noodles and stir fry and it was beautiful -- all the food throughout the camp was beautiful -- when i was putting my plate in the bin, the bin was near a table where taelah and ariana and colleen and will and my other friends were sitting, taelah called out and was like mY WAIFU

and some people might not get this

but the thing is it was probably weird for will because of the fact that taelah had seen like... my 'not-shy' me whereas with will it was that 'polite-shy' me, y'know? two different sides, but regardless of that, i rounded the table and gave taelah a hug and was like 'wAIFU' back to her and we laughed and then taelah said something about us being married and i pulled away and when i did will kind of pulled back from the table and looked at me and was like

'jesse... can i have a hug...?'

and i was kind of surprised so i just replied with an oh, uhm, sure?

so i went up to him and because he was sitting down and i was standing he just slid his arms around my waist and hugged me and was like 'i never got to thank you for that christmas card but it was like the nicest thing i've ever recieved' or he might've said 'nicest thing ever' or something, but yeah and i was really surprised so for a short while i was like ...OH uh well HAHA i thought i made things awkward so UHM and yeah, i started rambling 

BUT I WAS SO HAPPY

BECAUSE /DANCES THE CHRISTMAS CARD INCIDENT

IS NO LONGER MUCH OF AN INCIDENT

Y'KNOW

LIKE

I DID WELL IN THE END

Y'KNOW

IF I COULD TELL MY PAST SELF THIS SHE'D BE PRETTY SCEPTICAL BUT HAPPY BUT YES

THAT WAS JUST

wow

i'm really glad that burden is lifted. everything still kind of feels surreal as if it hasn't happened and i'm scared of everything rewinding...? but i know this is real so yeah it's pretty silly

so later that night was the talent show

and my friends and i were singing royals by lorde. the talent show area was set up really informally - everyone was just sitting on a bunch of tarps connected to each other and the teachers held up torch/spotlight things but it was just a really nice atmosphere and whoever wanted to do something would put their hands up and up they went.

so at first, we didn't volunteer and i was sitting with zara, claire and ruby and me and ruby both agreed that hopefully harriet or jam or anyone we weren't sitting with wouldn't put their hands up because we were kind of seperated, but it wasn't until the final-ish act -- second last -- that harriet put her hand up and we all went up albeit nervously

we honestly had not rehearsed it with everyone so a lot of it was improv but then again we had practiced it for busking and people then had said it was a really good song that we did and those people were strangers, so yeah

we went up and all the while i wondered what canoe guy was thinking

but as we went up i just heard taelah and maybe some other people call out 'JESSE'

and omg taelah though

but anyway it was really adorable and i felt really loved for some reason, hehe.

it was a nice feeling though, to be recognized.

i think i even heard kelly, this girl i don't know very well go 'go jesse' and that was pretty amazing. i really love my year.

but onwards with the story, uhm, we started singing and it was going well until the last verse where no one was singing so i took the lead and sang the wrong lyrics and then jamilla was like HEY and then we all stopped and i was like oh crap i don't know the lyrics and then everyone started laughing and cheering and clapping and ruby next to me was like 'that's a good ending' so we all bowed and everyone was cheering and it was the best feeling ever, topping the kicking of the ball but seriously... it felt so... nice.

as if i was getting closer to the year as a whole and i wasn't just some little asian girl who never talked.

so we sat back down and the teacher behind us said we did a great job and random people came up to us and said we did good and i don't want to brag but people came up to me and said i was really good and i don't think i've ever felt so proud and happy for myself and of myself and that's... god, i can't even put everything into words but yeah.

as we were sitting down, zara told me that i did good because now everyone in the year would know that i could sing and i can't remember what she said exactly but it was nice of her and zara's so beautiful /sob everyone's just so wonderful i can't even... wow.

after getting dismissed but having 50 minutes of hanging out time according to the teachers, sophia came up to me and hugged me and spun me around and said i did good and joy hugged me too or maybe i should call joy delight but eh it's 12:26 and i'm actually really tired and not bothered to change it

but then random people just came up to me or passed me by and said i did really well

and then taelah jfc she called out my name like really loudly and then i saw her in the distance and sHE TRIPPED AND I WAS LIKE dude are you okay?!?! and she was like yes my wife and then she hugged me and also spun me and was like I DIDN'T KNOW YOU COULD SING but it was amazing to see people's reactions and it was so funny, taelah's one but it was also really great because it was like she felt proud of me too and that was really awesome.

then jade passed me by as well and told me that i was the next beyonce and she told me that one of the dudes joel said something like that along the lines of 'be my beyonce' or something?? but yes apparently i am the 'next beyonce' and that was pretty funny but GAH EVERYONE'S SO NICE ASDFGHJ it was really the best feeling and it still is.

then i was standing with my friends when soul was like hey jesse and i was like oh, um, yeah? and he was like you sang really well, you're seriously like beyonce and i was like LOL what and then kelly interrupted and said i did really well as well and i said thanks to kelly and by then soul had already turned back to his friends and i was like wait i better say thank you so i called out his name and he turned around and i was like thank you! and he smiled and smiles are so amazing like holy crap man but smiles and he smiled and he said no problem and man that was pretty damn cool, just saiyan

AND THEN

ONE THING

jamilla came up to me earlier right and was like jESSE YOU DID IT

and i was like haha did what

and okay so apparently this guy hamish was pulled out of the crowd because he said something and this is hamish - he's kind of a renowned 'jerk' kind of dude but i can't really say because i've never spoken to him before but i heard he was also nice so i'm pretty unbiased towards him, but anyway jamilla said when the teacher pulled him out of the crowd she thought he'd said something mean and was like uh oh and i was like, but wait so what'd he say

and then jamilla grinned and was like

he said that our act was the only one he actually enjoyed throughout the whole night

and when i heard that i was literally speechless

because that is a very huge compliment coming from hamish and compared to the other acts which were really good

and then hamish himself

came up to me and the others moments later to tell us he got told off because he said the above and i was like ohh wow 

but oh my god that is just

the best

EVER.

bush school is literally the most amazing thing i've experienced and the most happy i've felt since, iunno, but god all of it was so wonderful and fabulous and fantastic.

i guess one thing i only really am kind of wistful about is the fact canoe guy didn't say anything to me and i don't know what i was supposed to be expecting but i just really wanted him to say something to me i guess? i'm sorry if i am bragging but i feel pretty proud at the moment.

but still, i just wanted to talk to canoe guy and i still do want to say something like 'i hope the flower didn't embarrass you too much' and ask about the note and everything else and what subject he's taking

because today i came to the conclusion that i've been overthinking so much and my overthinking results in my putting up these kind of walls that block myself out and it's like what katie said that my pessimism might make me miss an opportunity so i just have to keep being optimistic, y'know? if i get hurt i get hurt but i won't know anything if i don't try.

but yeah.

bush school is now over and it is friday or well, saturday since it's 12am.

i'm so sad bush school is over. joy was too and we were talking about it on thursday night and dylan came over and i think he was trying to cheer her up and then joy hugged him and it was really cute but then dylan was talking to me for a bit and i think he said something sassy to which i replied with well do you want a hug? so i opened my arms and he was like fiiiine and hugged me and yeah.

i just hope joy's okay.

joy was sad because this was kind of maybe the last ish time we'd all be together and it was such a nice atmosphere all around. and maybe she's sad because of other things as well.

but mostly i was sad because i felt as if bush school made everyone equal. or at least, it mixed everyone together and gave me opportunities to talk to people i hadn't talked to before and that was very very true because i did talk to lots of people i didn't know and that was so cool.

i feel like if we return to school, everything that happened with kind of equal nothing because school is the definition of set places and cliques and i'm wondering if things will return to 'normal' because i really don't want it to.

me and claire were talking about this before and we both decided we'd try our best not to let it return to normal. 

waking up to the sound of the guys talking and random screams and just the overall sound of camping was really quite comforting and sometimes i heard canoe guy's voice or at least voices that sounded like his and the fact that he was here made me happy, no matter how silly/small, but yeah.

at the end of today, friday, i said goodbye to people leaving, like harry and andrew m and bryn and eren and for some reason those goodbyes meant a lot to me because i was still grasping onto the last shred of 'bush school' and 'opportunities' and i'm still hoping but i know i'll be so determined to not let things slide back into 'normal' and i'll keep on trying because that's what makes me really happy.

i'm really happy.

i'm going to try my best.

i said that some time ago didn't i? and look where i am now so i know i've made progress and i'm so proud of myself for that.

i'm going to talk to canoe guy on monday. if i can. but i hope i will be able to. i shouldn't be scared because fear is a very stupid thing.

so readers, i hope you're as happy as i am right now. reminder to sit up straight and also i found this quote on tumblr:

''Discover why you're important, then refuse to settle for anyone who doesn't completely agree."

goodnight. this is entry 20.

Thursday 13 February 2014

entry 18

me and claire were talking and then this happened:

me: “that’s just me,
lying on the floor and looking up at the ceiling wondering if i’ll ever see stars
but maybe, y’know i’m lying on the floor and gazing at the ceiling but also the ceiling’s actually made up of glass
so i can see the stars
but i can’t reach them because there’s always a wall”
claire: “or maybe you go outside your little room and discover a beautiful world that you were always dreaming of but never had the courage to go to”
me: “…and maybe there’s just a hallway that’s really long
and you don’t really know what to expect at the end of it, so sometimes you feel like you want to stop and go back to you little room so you can lay down
but maybe, y’know, because of that there’s detours. mini rooms which lead you sometimes forwards or backwards but it’s because you don’t know that you just have to keep moving forward.”

it's cool how a previously hopeless thing can turn into something inspiring, y'know?

so today, there was a year meeting in the MPU - i don't even know what that stands for but yeah we were in a meeting and maybe a few minutes through it i realised canoe guy was sitting right diagonally across from me so i could see his back and his neck and ugH and his arms are really nice--

iunno he was kind of leaning back on his hands and there was this vein running down his arm and

i should just not

yeah, well anyway...

UGH i'm so weird

ugh

well

i was just wondering about if he was doing a language or not, and partly, i wanted to talk to him kind of

and i was thinking how easy it'd be because i've done it before even though it felt like i hadn't

so after putting my bag on my back and just walking for a while

he was like

right in front of me

so i was like huh i could ask him

so i was like hey, /insert name

and he smiled and looked at me, and i was like are you doing a language? and iunno really casually he was like no and i was like okay coolies (but i didn't say that out loud iunno what my reaction was i can't remember--) but then he left and all was well??? i felt that light feeling again and i'm proud of myself for working the guts to ask him but it's such a silly thing to be proud of especially because it was really like... it... yeah. iunno mang asdfgh.

but ugh i'm having a kind of dilemma. basically on valentines day there's going to be a language study skills excursion for all the language and going isn't mandatory. the thing is, the whole reason for sending the flower was basically just to see his reaction - not really the aftermath because, reality check, he's probs just gonna guess it was me and that'll be it and it's just wishful thinking that he'll actually approach me. it's just to see his reaction because i want him to smile and god i'm so silly because i'm actually considering staying back.

i was asking my cousin what to do and she kind of laughed at me and stared me into the eyes and was like wow, you really like him. and i kind of pulled the info sheets for the excursion up to my face to cover it and was like 'no... i don't.,. like him...' but then i, here it comes, i started crying because jesus christ i might actually really like him or??? i don't know my feelings are very scary hah. but she was like, yes you do if you're considering staying back just to see his reaction.

i.. i don't know. it's just... god, i don't know.

11:09pm - 10/02/14.

-----

so today...

after science which was my last period - he's in my class, i was walking with claire and we were kind of talking but i was distracted (i'M SORRY) because canoe guy was walking the way i was walking and i was just thinking that y'know, i could maybe catch up to him and talk to him--

but like, talk about what?

ugh. i want to talk to him regardless and i swear i just wish i could tell him how much i want to talk to him and how just for the sake of seeing him maybe smile at the flower on valentines day - i'm contemplating staying back just for him. god i'm screwed aren't i?

i reckon, maybe first if i'd ever have time to stand around with him there i'd ask him what subjects he chose maybe. because i remember my bball senpai kate asking me that when we were standing around waiting for our friends near the canteen once and that was like really smooth like it was after i answered it that i realised she was like... making conversation with me until after like dayum girl smooth that's a good technique ahaha, but yeah! if there were ever a chance.. i'd want to ask him that.

but today after science me and claire we walking, blah blah blah, and then she was like so are you going this way or your way? and i was like ah.. i'll go... my way and claire smiled at me i swear she was like 'i see what ur up to' or iunno maybe that's her normal face?? but she smiled and was like okay and we said our farewells and then i proceeded to walk in my usual direction which "coincidentally" was his direction and sdfghasdf, well, he stopped and that's when i realised he was waiting for his friend who was a girl and i was like hmm i see should i still say hello or??? or should i just not bother them?? and ugh that made me hesitate a lot

so i continued walking and they were ahead in the canteen area and i was like just reaching the stairs to go down to it and maybe it was just me but y'know i always seem to be looking at him/in his direction /cOUGHS but he looked back? and i kind of just avoided his eyes again but when i was walking still he just kept looking back and that made me so paranoid and god i don't even know but i was just like 'duDE why r u looking back!! at me or at the tree but why at me and why????' so maybe i'm just overreacting but i swear to god he just kept looking back and ugh.

i just

i wish i could fangirl to him about himself and then just z snap away from him and just never think about him again but I CAN'T WHICH SUCKS because i know i'd miss him and that's SO UGH OF ME BECAUSE I DON'T EVEN KNOW HIM AND MISSING HIM IS STUPID AND UGH

because

i like seeing him around school

i like walking past where he usually hangs out so i can think to myself y'know maybe he notices

i like thinking about what it'd be like to get to know him

y'know

maybe he notices

...

/sigh. i'm such a fucking writer, haha. well, at least to me. like readers might be like lolol are u complimenting urself but seriously. i just.. i've said this so many times but my imagination is way too great for my own good.

but yeah. the two stopped around the corner and when i rounded it, his friend - let's call her noir - noir was with her other friend and he was straying off to the side a bit and then we kind of made eye contact and he shouldered his bag and made a move to walk and then i passed him and his voice was like behind me and i could hear him teasing noir about something but he was walking and i was walking and i think noir and her friend was walking as well and i exited the gate and kind of stopped after i turned left and then i turned back and he was walking down the steps and i said, really quickly and very briefly, 'see you!' and i added his name but i don't think he heard me because noir was talking to him and i was like OOPS and turned around and kind of did this thing with my hands that i recently found out i do - it's like a nervous habit - but with both hands in front of me, i kind of link them and stretch them and that's what i did as i was walking away and going 'jeSSE U IDIOT' but also 'ugh did u have to do that' and ugh.

/sOB

silly me huh

well..

ye.

so, during the way to and from melissa's school (did i mention melissa, she's my fab cousin/pretty much a sister but i'll never say that to her /lAUGHS FOREVER) i was talking to my mum about the excursion on friday aha and she pretty much knows everything and she was like

'well.. stay at school! fIGHT!!!'

and i was like

'omg mum'

and she was like

'well melissa don't u agree'

and melissa was like

'yeah lol, stay at school'

and i was like asdfghj

and i'm thinking about it. i was talking to my penpal the other day and she was like 'well, not going to the excursion.. you probably won't miss much because it's not mandatory anyways. i think it'd be okay if you allowed yourself his reaction'

and that was a good point.

and then my bestie katie was like 'i suggest you don't go to the study group because you did all this work, what's the point in running away now? just do whatever you're happy with'

and.. /sigh. there two are like the best people ever and this is their advice for me asdfgh.

okay, sure i'll stay-- but UGH if i stay i'm just gonna be at school and like everyone will be at the thing?? pretty much everyone will be going to the language thing-- i don't know /flops. i'll talk to ruby about it.

also i took a personality test today haha, i'm an INFJ - introverted, intuitive, feeling and judging.

here yo:

"The INFJ type is believed to be very rare (less than 1 percent of the population) and it has an unusual set of traits. Even though their presence can be described as very quiet, INFJ personalities usually have many strong opinions, especially when it comes to issues they consider really important in life. If an INFJ is fighting for something, this is because they believe in the idea itself, not because of some selfish reasons.

INFJ personalities are drawn towards helping those in need – they may rush to the place of a major disaster, participate in rescue efforts, do charity work etc. INFJs see this as their duty and their purpose in life – people with this personality type firmly believe that nothing else would help the world as much as getting rid of all the tyrants. Karma and similar concepts are very attractive to INFJs.

These tendencies are also strengthened by the fact that INFJ personalities have a unique combination of idealism and decisiveness – this means that their creativity and imagination can be directed towards a specific goal. Few other personality types have this trait and this is one of the most important reasons why many INFJs are able to eventually realize their dreams and make a lasting positive impact.

INFJs are masters of written communication, with a distinctively smooth and warm language. In addition, the sensitivity of INFJs allows them to connect to others quite easily. Their easy and pleasant communication can often mislead bystanders, who might think that the INFJ is actually an extrovert.

INFJs should be careful to avoid “overheating” as their zeal and determination can sometimes get out of hand. As introverts, INFJs need to have some “alone time” every once in a while or otherwise their internal energy reserves will get depleted really quickly. If this happens, the INFJ may surprise everybody around them by withdrawing from all their activities for a while – and since other people usually see INFJs as extroverts, this can leave them both surprised and concerned.

INFJs take great care of other people’s feelings and expect others to return the favor. Unsurprisingly, people with this personality type are very sensitive and vulnerable to conflicts – even the most rational INFJs may find it quite difficult to not take criticism personally. This is the INFJ’s Achilles’ heel – if someone with an INFJ personality cannot escape the conflict, they will do their best to deal with it head on, but this will result in a lot of stress and may also potentially lead to health problems or highly irrational behavior."

bUT ALSO the list of positive and negative features of an INFJ:

"INFJ strengths

Determined and passionate. INFJ personalities work very hard for causes they believe in. This passion can easily surprise people not used to seeing this side of the INFJ, but it is an inseparable part of their personality.
Altruistic. It is very rare to see an INFJ do something just for their personal benefit. People with this personality type tend to be very warm and altruistic, even though these traits may not be clearly visible.
Decisive. This is one of the most important strengths of any INFJ. Their imagination, combined with decisiveness, usually allows INFJs to achieve incredible things – not only they can come up with interesting and unusual ideas, they also have the willpower and planning skills necessary to implement those ideas.
Creative. INFJs possess a vivid imagination and rarely have any difficulties expressing it in one way or another. Most of their solutions revolve around people or ideals, as opposed to technical strategies – this strength makes INFJ personalities excellent counselors and advisors.
Inspiring and convincing. People with the INFJ personality type know their way with words and are known for their fluid, inspirational writing style. INFJs can also be convincing speakers, especially if they are talking about something they are very proud of or passionate about.
Very insightful. INFJs find it easy to decipher other people’s motives and are rarely affected by manipulation or sales tactics. They tend to know instantly whether someone is being honest. This strength shields their sensitive inner core, protecting the INFJ from disappointment.

INFJ weaknesses

Extremely private. INFJs may appear expressive and passionate, but they are actually very private individuals. People with this personality type often find it quite difficult to trust a new friend or open up, even to people who are closest to them.
Can burn out easily. That strength and passion that INFJ personalities are known for can exhaust them quickly if they are not careful. INFJs also tend to internalize most of their feelings – this trait is not necessarily a weakness, but it deprives them of the “exhaust valve”.
Very sensitive. INFJs are highly vulnerable to criticism and conflict situations, and can get hurt very easily. People with this personality type are also likely to react strongly to anything that challenges their inner principles and values.
Perfectionistic. INFJ personalities are inherently idealistic and do their best to achieve their ideals. This is a great trait, but it can quickly become a weakness if the same approach is applied in every area of life. For instance, INFJs may find it difficult to settle down in a romantic relationship, always looking for an ideal partner.
Always need to have a cause. INFJs may find it difficult to focus and force themselves to complete tasks which are not linked to one of their goals, e.g. some routine administrative work that must be carried out. People with this personality type always want to know that they are moving towards a worthy goal, and may feel disappointed and restless if this is not the case."

/whispers i like reading about what could be my good features BUT THAT LAST SENTENC EABOUT THE NEED TO HAVE A CAUSE

YES

YES TO THAT SO MUCH

YES /BREATHES HEAVILY

anyway it's here if anyone wants to take it: http://www.16personalities.com/free-personality-test

but yeah. hehe.

5:54pm - 11/02/14.

-----

it makes me so happy when i can help people, hehe.

"Anonymous: hey!! recently i noticed that maybe you're feeling a bit sad/upset/depressed? anything like that but i really hope you feel amazing some time soon! i'm sure your happy smile is beautiful, go dazzle people with it friend!! <3
YOU’RE GONNA MAKE ME CRY ;^;
THANK U SO MUCH FOR SENDING THIS! yeah i haven’t been feeling the best lately and it doesn’t help that i’m sick but i’m going to do my best to get through each day!
hehehe *dazzle dazzle* i’ll smile just for you anon. thank you. you are literally so wonderful and I hope you receive the most precious things in life ugh here have some cuddles from me <3"

people are really lovely. i just wish a lot of them could see that themselves.

(edit: hello tsunacchi-chi, yes that anon was me asdfg but i really hope you do feel better!!)

10:03pm - 11/02/14

-----

so today!! at school, in the morning when i was waiting for our geography teacher to show up okay-

canoe guy was like walking past me and iunno if i smiled first or if he smiled first but he smiled at me and i also smiled and??

yeah

that little exchange made me happy but i

have kind of mixed feelings about it but i think i'm overthinking it because what did that mean did he smile out of politeness like that was definitely it right like oh man what if i smiled at him and he felt obliged to smile back but maybe he secretly felt awkward about it??

i??

/breathes heavily. this is just because the flower thing is tomorrow i'm guessing but UGH. so yeah. i was talking to my wonderful src friend megan today (not the old, old megan from way back /CACKLES) but she informed me that the flower sending for the year tens would be moved to thursday which IS TOMORROW and well, yeah. i'm going to the thing on friday aha apparently it was compulsory all along /flops.

but yes.

i... i don't think anything will happen tomorrow except for him being happy and i'm unable to see his reaction which sucks because i don't have any classes with him but i plan to say hello to him?

yeah.

how anticlimactic right /sob.

also presentation night was tonight. sang but i forgot lyrics and i gold-fished (mouthed the lyrics) most of it and too bad i'm short because i was in the front row and asdfgh.

11:26pm - 12/02/14.

-----

okay so uh

hm, i dunno how to write this.

i'll... start from the start i guess then??

so uhm, i got a rose today!! from my sweetie friend kai but ye, the rose is beautiful hehe.

uh.

so most of the year tens got their flowers today.

uhm. most.

yeah. he didn't. /shot.

so me, being the silly, SILLY SILLY /ROARS FOREVER SILLY me, I just had that urge to talk to him and I was recently talking to a new buddy of mine, Anna and she sent this message to me and it went like 'if you don't take action nothing will change!' and i thought that was really cool because it's kind of true - don't take action = nil / waiting for someone else to take action.

but i'm very very silly, god, i don't even know where to start.

first of all i'm so ambitious, stupidly so.

FEEL THE AWKWARDNESS.

anyway, it was in the morning when i found out he hadn't gotten the flower yet and that the src screwed up big time with some flowers because kai later told me during recess that there was supposed to be a message on the rose but there wasn't and it got me thinking, like, what if he doesn't get the message?

sure, cool, i got him a flower.

it'd be great if i could see his reaction but the thing is i wouldn't be able to because of the excursion on friday//tomorrow.

so okay, i got him a flower - not so cool anymore.

because i'm very selfish and it's not enough just seeing him smile - i want him to smile because of me. y'feel me? ...seeing him smile is good too though.

but yes, i'm an odd person and my way of thinking is kind of twisted, i've been told by my cousin melissa aha.

so guess what i did? /laughs exasperatedly. during history i was thinking about this and then it was at lunch when there was a year meeting about bush school (which i'm pretty excited about because my BOOB CUP SWIMMERS THEY ARE FAB) and after that right, i was kind of loitering outside with my friends when i met canoe guy's eyes again and he smiled and i smiled and then he walked away with his friends and i almost went after him because i just... wanted to talk to him but i didn't know what to say.

and because i didn't know what to say, i did what i do best.

turn to writing.

i wrote him a fucking note.

yeah.

you'd think... after the whole card thing with ladybug guy, and mind you, i swear he's still avoiding me like the plague like WOOPS LOL, but yeah. you'd really think i'd learn by now that whenever i write things to guys theY ALWAYS END UP BADLY. /SOB

i hope one day i can write something to a guy and it won't? but then again i don't really know if what i wrote did end up badly or not but i can't really tell because it's v.  early aha but still.

so basically i wrote a note during lunch.

uhm.

the note went something along the lines of (ohhh my god i'm thinking about it and cringing because why do i do this to myself): 'um, happy valentines day!! ///blahblah/// so obviously you didn't get a flower today but you'll get one tomorrow saying something lame about your smile or whatever (i can't remember what i wrote exactly?????) let's have fun at bush school?? -from a person you should totes talk to sometime /cackles'

and OMFG

I AM AN EMBARRASSMENT TO POTATOES

I CAN'T EVEN FULFILL MY NEW LIFE GOAL TO BECOME ONE BECAUSE I AM AN EMBARRASSMENT TO EVERYTHING THAT MEANS ANYTHING TO ME

ye.

well now that that feeling is a bit less intense now although it pops up every time i think about it--

uhm,

so i went down to where he sat and found out he'd gone to waterpolo already and NO i didn't... look... at all the sport sign up sheets.. i just.. was curious about other people... but....

ugh i'm so creepy

but yeah

he wasn't there

and i was talking to ruby because i'm sorry but i dragged her along like i always do and i'm pretty sure i made her go along with my plan so that we'd walk down to the canteen but she had to be the lookout and I'm SO SORRY MY DARLING TOMODACHI ;; but you're amazing so thank you

but /coughs anyway, she told me that maybe i could 'intercept' him after sports

btw the sports i chose was swimming and I AM HORRIBLE AT IT THE CLOSEST I'VE EVER COME TO WINNING IS BEING SECOND PLACE IN A TWO PERSON RACE AND MY DAD STILL LAUGHS AT ME BECAUSE OF THAT

but yeah swimming was interesting and tasted horribly salty and i didn't wear my boob cup swimsuit because it was too fab (honestly i felt i'd rather get my old one dirty instead but yes)

and well after that we came to school 15 minutes before the bell so me and claire went to the canteen so i could simply wait for him god i'm dragging my friends into everything i'm sorry but we met jamilla there and we talked for a bit when i saw canoe guy in the distance with his friends (including that math buddy but definitely not buddy dude, i'm sure i mentioned him in my blog somewhere -- the dude who was like 'getting in with the asian chick awwwhhh yeee' y'know? i guess we can call him fish.

so basically i was just talking to jam and claire and stuff and when i saw him i suddenly got this huge urge to /do something/ and i began getting impatient and i was getting really distracted especially when canoe guy walked past and smiled at me and i smiled timidly back like smiles everywhere but uhm

i was thinking that okay, he's with his friends: if he goes to his bus now then maybe i shouldn't give him the note

but he didn't go to his bus

he went to the canteen and his friends lined up and he stood to the side and

god

have i mentioned how embarrassing i am i should really just resign from high school and become a potato farmer

but honestly, i broke off from my friend's conversations and i'm sorry my dear jamilla i'm so sorry because you were probs talking about something great and i

oh god

but i went up to him and had the note in my hand, i think (it's a blur to me)

and ohhhhhhhhhhmyyyyyyyfricking

i said hello and he said hello and i think he asked what was up

and well

adam

fUCKING FISH

he started to snicker
so i looked to the side, and beside him was canoe guy's other friends and they were all kind of smirking at me

and i was like jfc okay

so i gave the note to canoe guy

and he took it and i think he was like what's this?

aND THEN FUCKING FISH JESUS CHRIST

i'm sorry for swearing

BUT SERIOUSLY

DUDE

his snickering got louder and i was like.. 'they're creepy!'

and canoe guy laughed and was like, yeah, they are

and then his friends laughed

and then i kind of... i don't remember if i said keep the note to yourself or not but?? i kind of nodded at him and ran back to my friends where they kind of struck another conversation and then i began talking along with them, talking out my nerves kind of thing, when my friends ariana and cinekha and taelah walked by and i was like oh hey!! and i kind of talked to them for a bit and taelah suddenly called me cute?? so i laughed and was like ahaha thank you but wow taelah calls me cute but she's adorable!! but anyway

i kind of looked to canoe guy's direction and i saw that he was looking at me and i don't know if he read the note or not but after the trio left i got really flustered and i kind of dragged claire with me away from the area because sdfgh and i was on the steps when i looked back and i saw that one of canoe guy's friends had taken the paper and was grinning and unravelling it and then i escaped

i...

so yeah.

they probably all read the note and canoe guy is probably really embarrassed and oh god i was freaking out so much and i kind of just had this huge period of freaking out to claire and i was so out of it that she couldn't really help me but the feeling was fresh so it wasn't her fault

but after school right i came to the car, got in, and we had to go to my aunty's place for an hour because we had to pick up my cousin at around 4 because of extended classes and year 11 and so i kind of just sat outside of her apartment and began texting katie and i was kind of just freaking out to her and at first she was like 'whyyy jesse whyyy did you write him a note' and I WAS LIKE KATIE U ARE DEFINITELY NOT HELPING and we began talking about other stuff and then she was like 'okay, you know what, i'm not shitting you, it'll be okay' - and her reasons for that was because canoe guy seemed like a genuinely nice dude and even if everything did go downhill, she told me i shouldn't be embarrassed and that i should be proud.

so yeah. her words really calmed me down and i got home later that day and talked to claire the mother hen again and she told me basically the exact same thing; that canoe guy seemed like a nice dude and probably wouldn't let his friends read it but even if he did well

god, i don't know.

i just???

and then later later that day, i was texting katie again and she told me this after i told her that she had nothing to worry about (she was saying how she worried about saying something stupid to her own senpai) and that she should think of my terrible failures and she should be fine:

'I don't think you fail xD I think you manage to make a boring situation interesting. You don't say material things or the like, you do the stuff everybody least expects and I think that's wonderful.'

and i swear she knows like exactly what to say to make me feel better and i told her that and she was like wow what a stroke to the ego and said something about herself being fabulous and yeah

i...

well i don't know how this will turn out. i really don't, aha.

i just hope that he'll still smile at me when he sees me and y'know.... i still just want to get to know him and become his friend, lol.

i don't know. hah. this really does remind me of the card incident.

yeah....

i just have to be the way i always am, i'm guessing.

well anyway, on another topic, i've been talking to a lot of people this month/year!!

i had a drama thing in acting class before, a presentation of sorts, and the presentation i did with my group was really fun and we actually did quite well - i was this suave french dude and one of my lines was 'hon hon, baguette' and after the presentation was finished the teacher was like so what did we like about this presentation? and one girl was like 'i liked jesse's line, hon hon baguette' and it made me feel a bit proud haha.

but also today this girl, let's call her lenalee, she was walking by the way i do and i was kind of still in that freak out stage and i was freaking out to my friend s'nay, and well lenalee came by and s'nay commented on her flowers and how she was v. popular so i kinda joined in and was like 'haha, wink wink' and we kind of talked for a bit and then she went on and then she stopped and called out to us if we were going to the language excursion and we said yes and she said she wasn't and stuff but yeah. note: she's the girl who sat next to canoe guy last year in maths and aha i'm.. yeah but she's a really nice person and i'd like to get to know her more!!

ye.

goodnight friends. tomorrow's the language excursion and i said i wouldn't update til after bush school but this really might be the last update until after bush school haha. there's also a hunger game theme game we're doing at bush school but i might tell you more about that when i know more about it, aha.

this is entry 18, have a beautiful day any readers of mine! remember to sit up straight.