entry 20

i realised that i forgot to write about some other stuff but now that the whole bush school event thing has been explained, i can focus more on the smaller things.

so i was talking to iggy and iggy's my cutie patootie friend from tumblr and we were talking about feelings and this was what came up:

'i guess there's a difference between liking the cute attention he gives you and actually liking someone? like how there are different types of attraction but i don't know because i've never liked anyone except for /cOUGHS canoe guy but yeah, i know that at camp though i was feeling really confused

because that chest feeling had kind of faded especially when his friends were being ugly butts but i knew that i still liked him because i thought of him all the time and it was just horrible because he was always on my mind somewhere and ugh

but yeah i got really confused because i knew that i liked him so much but the chest feeling wasn't there and i talked to my friend claire and if you read the post already then you know she's the one whose liked the guy for three years+ and she was like

well, i don't get that feeling when i see the guy i like but i know that i like him

and she told me that everyone feels differently and it's okay to be scared but she told me she was pretty sure i liked him because of like, well, everything and she basically just said it's okay

but that chest feeling is there when i actually interact with him it just isn't so much now when i say hello to him because i know that i want to get to know him better and not just be stuck at this fleeting hello stage even though they do make me happy

but yes'

and well, yeah. that's pretty explanatory.

for now i just... i'll try to talk to him more and not be so scared especially because of my overthinking - it results in me putting up these small but prominent walls i guess you could say and it makes me a lot more hesitant when i should just really not think about it so much.

what made me so sure that i still liked him a hella lot was that i could always pick him apart in a crowd or god i don't know maybe that's me /wanting/ to pick him out from a crowd or some shiz but i just always looked for him and when i heard his voice i always kind of perked up and wanted to see him. i guess advice to this would probably be 'don't think about it too much' so i guess i'll do that and go with the flow? /shrugs.

but anyway...

today was the study night thing and i realised that people actually probs studied a hella lot whereas i've always been cruising and only studying for tests and i thought that was normal - to only study maybe a few days before tests and reviewing sometimes - but apparently it's not... /coughs.

i came in with my mum and sat a space from this parent who smiled and said something akin to hey and i nodded politely and smiled.

the teachers told us a lot about japan and it was so cool hearing about what we'd do and i'm pretty damn excited for it and i should probably sign up for a passport soon when ladybug guy/will entered the room with his friend and i was pretty surprised when that guy across from me turned out to be his dad and so will squeezed across and sat next to me and his dad.

all these details are pretty unnecessary so i'll get straight to the point.

basically, my mum had to write something down some time half-way during the debriefing and this was after the students had to get up and fetch the forms so i was just sitting down when she asked me where my diary was so she could rest the sheets on it to write stuff with more ease

so i kind of was like

...wasn't it left on my seat?

so i felt my butt area and i was kind of panicking when--

i spotted the familiar coloured-in words and doodles of my diary cover on will's lap

...

will was holding his sheets in front of him over my diary and i don't know if he knew he had my diary or not

so minutes passed with mum going where's ur diary

inwardly i was going uhhh weLL will has it and that's awkward like dude my diary looks pretty unique i mean i coloured it in and iunno if his is coloured in but i'm pretty sure the S i turned into a unicorn is pretty different from other s's and well sdfghj

...so i shifted in my seat

and mum asked again

so i was like... leaning over slightly to will and debating how to go about getting my diary back

when slowly will put his papers down

and was like

'...this is your diary isn't it.'

and i was holding back this laugh all of a sudden because i just found it really funny how awkward he sounded

so i replied

'yes, it is.'

and he handed it to me really slowly and i took it back really slowly and then i just sat there kind of inwardly laughing to myself

and i looked back and he was like smiling really sheepishly so i laughed out loud and was like 'you're horrible' and iunno if he heard but he was still smiling

so yeah

that was pretty cool.

i also forgot to mention in the last entry but there were little things that happened at bush school as well. i talked to this guy chris while walking with zara from the beach! i was about to start talking when zara started talking and before i was about to talk about learn to surf when he kind of smoothly gave me the chance when he was like oh yeah, learn to surf, how's that? and i was like chance!! so i kind of felt that he knew how i felt and that was cool and he's really cool and i want to get to know him better!!! :D

speaking of getting to know people better

uhm so today

which is tuesday

oh man y'know i should like add dates to this because i've been on and off writing this post

BUT WAIT

OKAY

SO Y'KNOW EARLIER ON THIS POST ABOUT THE CHEST FEELING

i was really confused earlier after getting into the car to go home

and that was because i just finished talking to canoe guy

so

i walked out of science and rounded the corner and canoe guy was a few steps in front of me and throughout walking behind him to the stairs leading to the canteen, i was continuously thinking to myself about how there was nothing to lose if i talked to him

i was just motivating myself to talk to him when finally he reached the stairs so i dashed towards him and ended up slowing beside him near the steps and i was like, hey //canoe guy//!

and canoe guy turned and said hey

and i had no plan, honestly all the questions i was thinking beforehand slipped from my mind

but then canoe guy said how are you

and writing this now i'm smiling because that's nice of him to ask that

...

but anyway

i was like i'm okay :D

and then i suddenly got a question and i was like hey so did you understand that stuff in science?

and he was like mmm yeah kind of

and i was like really? coz i was failing, especially with the vector thingies

and he was like haha! me and alex argued about that to see who was right

and then he was like

i was right

i'm pretty happy about that

BUT

OKAY

that

i wish i responded better but he smiled and was so cute

but soon after

i asked him if he knew how to do the vector questions

and he nodded and he told me how to do it and right now i'm kind of just staring at the sheet because he.. kind of inspired me to finish the work but i'm still not really sure how to do it and ugh.

but then i asked him a bit about the flower and he said thank you again and i just asked him if he actually got the message and he responded albeit maybe a bit awkwardly and said yeah, he got it and i was like haha okay

and for a brief moment i was walking in front of him and that reminded me of the time i told him that joke and walked in front of him until i called back that i'd tell him more -- did i mention it in my earlier posts? i'm sure i did, but i walked in front of him until i turned around and said see ya and he also said see ya

and as i was walking away

i was freaking about this feeling earlier but now i'm not but i'll describe it anyway

i hadn't gotten that chest/smothering feeling in a while

but as i was walking away

it wasn't that chest feeling, but rather this.. flittering nervousness that kind of reminds me of a butterfly but not so much as the ones you get in your stomach - it was somewhere near my heart?

i was very confused about that so when i got home i messaged ruby straight away but it wasn't until i was asking claire about it when she said this:

Well maybe the chest thing is a result of not being able to be with someone, like I get it when Sacha gets off the bus and I realise that he doesn't like me, and I'm not really friends with him. The smothering feeling is more painful, so maybe because you're talking and getting closer you don't feel it.

and that reminded me of something

sometime ago, maybe even two years ago or more - i was talking to my friend sophia about my friend brianna and kind of fangirling because brianna told me she got that chest feeling for this dude in the upper years

and sophia was like

no that's only because she can't actually get to know him

in other words

because he's far away

y'know?

that got me thinking.

and with claire's words i kind of just.... 'oh'.

because i know that i still really

like

canoe guy

i always want to talk to him and i love seeing him around and those little times where we make eye contact make me breathe in deeply and it's as if it feels like the opposite where i'm breathless which is really weird and i might not be making sense

but god i want to get to know him

i want to talk to him so much haha

...

uhm, so.. moving on from that subject, today in acting!! it was really fun. i talked a bit to this new girl lizzie who is actually like hella pretty and she's hella cool as well! she and jordan were across the room from me and zara because we had to be in two-people groups to do this activity thing and they were saying something when finally i could make out that lizzie said my trademark was beautiful and i laughed and called back that i'd do one for her too

my trademark being a fabulous drawing of a poopie B)

but yeah!! that was cool hehe. in acting i also talked a bit with this guy called sam who my friend ellie is paired quite well with but yeah i just accidentally took his paper and he made this funny noise and i laughed and was like haha sorry and he grinned

but yeah

i also talked to lenalee today with zara and we talked briefly about marine science which she was doing -- i went to queensland last year and that was pretty fun but yeah, you go to queensland if you do marine science and i'm pretty sure canoe guy's in her class but i'm not sure but lenalee said that her class was mostly year tens and it got me thinking

but i always think a lot so that's not very new

but yeah. lenalee's really pretty! everyone's so beautiful ahhh *0*

but me and zara were talking today about how our friendship group is quite secluded and away from the rest of year

and we were saying how we wanted to kind of.. connect more with the year and go down to the place where they all sit more often so we can actually talk to them

but that's just an idea

a good one though

but anyway

i love people!!

seeing them smile is just so nice.

so on another note my japanese teacher told me i was the chief designer, designing a diary we're bringing to japan.

along with my friend jamilla.

i have to think of a design!! THIS IS MY RESPONSIBILITY AND THIS WILL BE A CHALLENGE BUT HELLA FUN.

YEE!!

so yes i am quite excited for japan /coughs but hehe.

i'm going to try to say hello to more people tomorrow.

i also got a new bag and it's so pretty it's red and has gold and ahhh and my beautiful bro got me keychains from death note and katekyo hitman reborn and got me a panda hat and a cat bookmark and i'm pretty happy.

i'm.. really happy hehe.

this is entry 20 and my thoughts are all over the place so i might've missed something and i also have to edit last entry because there were lots of typos but uhm.

yes.

i'm just.. very happy with everything.

see ya readers! sit up straight and smile because smiles are absolutely beautiful no matter what.