Tuesday, 11 March 2014

entry 23

rebecca is a bronze butt.

science was hella.

in basketball today, after the game ended and we all shook hands with the opposing team, this girl - number 6 - went up to me and was like hey you were really fast! and i was like ???? and she was like you were really good and i just ;v; because our team lost (but we're getting better??? maybe) but she smiled and left and i was like ;v; THAT'S SO nicE /sOB ahh wow

but anyway sCIENCE IS so fun nowadays

bronze butt keeps drawing on my science book though but we're doing this tally on every time our teacher says 'isn't that true'

it's been two days since i made this draft and i've been talking to a lot of random people lately but now it feels normal to be doing that so that's why i haven't documented each and every one

odd, right? :D

i said hello and goodbye to this dude today in non-sports

and i've been talking to bronze butt more and we're pretty good friends now if i say so myself

and i've been saying hello to random people

and i've got a new plan. my plans are always made up really abruptly but it's to do with canoe guy.

but before that it's really funny because i have science and geography with him and i'm not good at science except for biology and we're doing physics and that's like maths and science put together and deaR LORD but i don't like geograpyh either and yet

i look forward to them

i'm so weird


the plan.

it's 5 steps; 5 things.

today i went to the doctor and he asked me what the most beautiful thing in the world was (it was a really abrupt question and idek why he asked it and it caught me off-guard until finally-) and i answered 'relationships'. family, friends, lovers /shrugs. all of that is beautiful. and he said it was a really smart answer. ??? i don't know why he asked me that but yeah that was just a thing today.

anyway, the plan.

oh wait, before that: this BEAUTIFUL quote:

"I love being horribly straightforward. I love sending reckless text messages (because how reckless can a form of digitized communication be?) and telling people I love them and telling people they are absolutely magical humans and I cannot believe they really exist. I love saying 'kiss me harder' and 'you're a good person' and 'you brighten my day'. I live my life as straightforward as possible. Because one day I might get hit by a bus. Maybe it's weird. Maybe it's scary. Maybe it seems impossible to just be - to just let people know you want them, need them, feel like, in this very moment, you will die if you do not see them, hold them, touch them in some way whether its your feet on their thighs on the couch or your tongue in their mouth or your heart in their hands. But there is nothing more beautiful than being desperate. And nothing is more risky than pretending not to care. We are young and we are human and we are beautiful and we are not as in control as we think we are. We never know who needs us back. We never know the magic that can arise from ourselves and other humans. We never know when the bus is coming."

also today i went to see the school play and it was adorable so many otps and shipping and ahh

and this girl said hi to me today!! (i edited this part because apparently her nickname is meerkat but i don't know wHAT THAT REFERS TO OR ANYTHING??? OR WAIT NO I DO NOW okay so her name is meerkat and she's really cool and nice i wanna get to know her better!! :D)

and i talked to this girl today as well let's call her chia

and we were talking about the school play because at the end there was a gay couple, these two dudes and they were getting married along with all the other couples and when they kissed the audience let out this huge cheer and chia was like

oH YEAH LOL they weren't actually supposed to kiss

and i was like woah, so it was unplanned?

and she was like haha yeah!

and well



or rather


because i think one of the dudes has a gf but

it was pretty adorable, all the couples hehe.

sooo. the plan. /laughs.

uHM sooo firstly i may be a masochist and i s2g baNDAID dON't YOU DARE BRING THIS UP but this is probably going to work as reverse psychology but i FCUKIGN sWEAR.

but let me explain lol.

i do really spontaneous things and i don't know what they lead to at first but after i do them i have this period of aH HECKIE DOODLE SNAP WHY THE HELL DID I DO THAT. but then there's this little part of me going

hehehehe (imagine a twisted voice laughing)

isn't this interesting though?

and then that same part goes

you've done it now so yolo it man, do the yolo

and it shimmies at me and well

that's how everything's been going so far, heh.


'Well, I've read through four entries now and I'm just going to say.. You've really changed since I met you tbh. You used to be super shy (remember when you couldn't talk to Brandon haha) but now you've opened up to so many people and I think, "oh my god, that's OUR JESSE!" It was pretty amazing to me.'

um yes that maybe made my night... /flops forever

and UHM IT IS 11/3/14 now and i was writing this yesterday but now i'll tell you guys about the plan because i did an important thing today.

step 1: /laughs nervously.
well, okay this step was basically.. y'know that feeling you get when you see the sun rise or set? or maybe when you're out at night and see the stars in the sky without light pollution clouding most of them. it's maybe a feeling of 'wow' lol but mostly it's the warmth. you know, that warm feeling? i don't know how to explain it in much detail hehe, but yeah. uhm.... well can you feel what's coming up, readers? guess why i'm telling this to you but if you can't then you'll find out when i recount what happened today haha.
step 2: i like you lel
step 3: i'm also gonna get over u
step 4: so in order to do that i want to get to know you haHA weird rIGHT (you'll see my reasoning tho hah)
step 5: on uhm, tuesdays y'know how you walk alone and we both walk the same way y'know just if you want to then do you maybe want to walk with me

i look back at this plan now and iunno why it seemed to great but ????


after science today, i said goodbye to claire and bec and i have no idea where chanse went she's very elusive

obviously you guys should know he walks the same way i do as always and well he was about 2 metres in front of me and started talking to sam who is heLLA rad (he's in my acting class) - i think i've mentioned him before and i'd like to get to know him more hehe but um

i kind of faltered there but not really? it's an odd feeling to be hesitant of disturbing someone but sam eventually started talking to his other friend and canoe guy was just straying off to the side and getting his bus pass out when i went up to him and was like hey, /insert name and he was like oh, hey

and i was like okay so, i have five things to tell you

and he looked amused and was like, what are these five things?

and we started walking down the stairs to the canteen

before i began on step one i was like okay so this is mostly me improvising...

and then i began talking about sunsets and sunrises and i was rambling to him and then he interrupted and was like 'sunsets don't rise y'know' and i gave him this 'omg' look and he grinned and was like haha sorry. i haven't seen a sunset in a while but i think i get what you mean.

and i was like hm.. and for some reason i could get the words out of my mouth so i panicked slightly and said

hey, i know a better way to say this

and he was like ?

and i said

i don't like science. and i'm terrible at geography, haha. but i look forward to them anyway.

and then i kind of smiled sheepishly and was like, number two!

and i was like this is kind of...

and at that point he'd gone into this maybe anticipating silence as if he felt like he knew what was coming

and i was like /sigh okay well i really like you

and he went silent for a moment.

his head was bowed and he was smiling as he said thank you

'thank you'


but then number three -

i began with: don't worry though! number three, well, haha i'm uh.. i'm going to get over you

and i didn't give him much time to respond as we finally walked down the stairs to the bus stops and went right into step four. i said, ummm so in order to do this i want to get to know you (or maybe i didn't say this because my memory is fuzzy for some reason /sob) and well

i was like so on tuesdays..

and we were both standing there and he was like, tuesdays?

so i kind of nodded and was like.. uhm, on tuesdays.. if you want - and by this point i was looking away and my hand had come up to my face haha nervous habit - since we walk the same way, wanna walk with me? if you want--

and then he nodded

and smiled and i don't know what to think of that smile

and i think he was like sure

and then i was like

o..okay... see ya

because i'm pretty sure he needed to get to his bus

but his smile was present as he said bye

and well. yeah.

in the afternoon (it's 11pm right now) i was still jittery and especially when ruby told me that he'd probably think about me a lot afterwards



and then i got really haHAHAHAHAhahahdhasdahdfwqeWQe?? about the fact that i really don't know if i can keep my word about getting over him or not, haha. and i have geography and science tomorrow and just those words remind me how i said i look forward to those classes because of him and HahAHaha oh dear lord i'm too.... i say these things and they're terrible ;;

and that's when i told my cookie friend, who i will affectionately label forever as cookie, and she's seriously like iunno my informer of random things because she's kinda 'in' with a lot of people


so basically

firstly this happened:

On Sunday at volunteering /lenalee/ asked me if you liked him well i'm gonna get over him/shimmies and i just like shrugged uhm but i think and she said /lenalee/ would go well with him that /canoeguy/ kinda feels obliged to talk to you or whatever idk nooo, she doesn't like him she just asked because you and claire walked passed us and i was like "oh looks it's jesse and claire" i think /fish/ and /canoeguy/ have spoken to her about it that's interesting i wonder how i'm going to fix that thanks for telling me bri /kisses ur forehead'

and uhm i had this feeling of dread throughout that whole convo LOL and i'm really not as calm as i portray to dear cookie and then this came second:

Ah Jesse Tran 18:45 Jesse Tran ye Claire 18:45 Claire That's a little bit bad Jesse Tran 18:45 Jesse Tran a little bit yeah UM SO huh. maybe i should just not now? i mean the tuesday thing wOULD JUST MAKE HIM FEEL EVEN MORE OBLIGATEd SHIT claire i did not expect this so i don't know what to do Claire 18:46 Claire Look, don't worry about it. You've done the plan, and the way he reacted was wonderful. Jesse Tran 18:46 Jesse Tran not sure even your wisdom will help me nuy but obligated claire that's claire obligated he'll feel even more obligated now the tuesday thing fuck wow i should just never have done anything but then there's this part of me saying no it's okay that you did stuff but you.. i really i'm so silly Claire 18:47 Claire Hey, don't worry. There's nothing you can do. Just maybe see if he talks to you first during the week, and if he does, that's a good sign. Jesse Tran 18:48 Jesse Tran but i don't think he will claire i don't know Claire 18:48 Claire But how does /lenalee/ know that he felt obligated? Jesse Tran 18:48 Jesse Tran bri says /fish/ and /canoeguy/ probs talked to her about it since they're friends and all but it's very likely Claire 18:49 Claire Hmmm Jesse Tran 18:49 Jesse Tran but i mean she asked if i liked him so obvs she must've got a tip off y'know? but uhm Claire 18:50 Claire I don't think so, maybe she's just observant Jesse Tran 18:51 Jesse Tran i think the possibility that there was a talk is more likely haha Claire 18:52 Claire You know what? Because you've done the plan I think you're now obligated to talk to him. And I think if you don't, he'll wonder what he did wrong. So talk to him for the next week or so, then back off. Still smile at him and stuff, just wait for him to start the conversation which he will do if he genuinely wants to talk to you. Jesse Tran 18:53 Jesse Tran so the worst scenario would be in the next few weeks nothing happens and basically we forget? Claire 18:54 Claire Well it's your job now to make sure that doesn't happen. This opportunity can't be lost! Jesse Tran 18:54 Jesse Tran but what if i just screw things up? like if i make sure it doesn't happen isn't that me making him feel even more obliged? i'm..... starting to envy your situation, kind of now since i do really spontaneous things sure they're 'brave' but thinking about it in the victim's pov it would make them feel obliged but you've done baby steps while i'm kind of jumping back and forth if that makes sense Claire 18:58 Claire No, just talk to him about stuff that he seems to enjoy. And if he does feel obligated to talk to you then you can figure out what happens after that. But remember, you're not supposed to know this so you can't suddenly not say anything to him after what happened today. Jesse Tran 18:58 Jesse Tran i don't know how you can even still be giving me advice because i don't think many people have even been in this situation ugh yeah, i know /sigh Claire 18:59 Claire But you never know, this was before you told him so things probably have changed now. Jesse Tran 18:59 Jesse Tran i don't.. think they would have changed.............? ??? Claire 18:59 Claire They could have! You never know And don't start making assumptions because they can really hurt everything Jesse Tran 19:00 Jesse Tran h ughghghughuuuuuuu i'm kinda laughing what a situation Claire 19:01 Claire Yeah, I'm not envying your position right now. But you have to "work the problem" and everything will be all fine and dandy Just take one step at a time. Jesse Tran 19:03 Jesse Tran 'work the problem' sigh i really don't know haha Claire 19:03 Claire It's all you can do right now, and this is just one tiny little hiccup in the whole scheme of things. Jesse Tran 19:04 Jesse Tran right Claire 19:04 Claire Remember that! It's no big deal! Jesse Tran 19:04 Jesse Tran ... sdfgyjh Claire 19:04 Claire Just one thing that has to be ironed out And you can fix it by talking to him for the next week. And another idea might be to talk to him straight up about this. Jesse Tran 19:05 Jesse Tran didn't you just say that remember that i'm not supposed to know this? ;; but sdfgh that;'s what i was thinking or well not really like 'confront him' confront him but more like remind him that like he doesn't have to feel obliged to talk to me but in uh subtle words i don't know asdfgh Claire 19:06 Claire Well you can say that you hope you're not making him feel obliged or something casual Yes exactly!!! Jesse Tran 19:07 Jesse Tran wow guhhfdsdfasdfghd i don't know Claire 19:07 Claire Mmm What do you think you should do? Jesse Tran 19:07 Jesse Tran haha i don't even know i think the thought that'll go through my head all night will be 'wow i'm so silly' since i can't seem to stop thinking it asdfgh but thank you a lot your presence is calming asdfgh Claire 19:09 Claire Well I guess the choice is not talking to him because someone told you he feels obligated, or keep talking to him and having convos with him because you JUST CONFESSED (yay!) and then subtly reminding him. To me, that's your choices. Jesse Tran 19:10 Jesse Tran wow LOL i feel like you're passive-aggressively ordering me to talk to him hahaha Claire 19:10 Claire Haha, anytime I hope I can help you Jesse Tran 19:10 Jesse Tran in a good way Claire 19:10 Claire Maybe I am /wiggles eyebrows Jesse Tran 19:10 Jesse Tran LOL because you don't want me to screw things up even more, huh ugh i have to think Claire 19:11 Claire No! I just want you to be happy and I don't think you'll be happy ignoring him. Jesse Tran 19:11 Jesse Tran i don't think i'd ignore him LOL more like do something stupid but i don't think i will i don't know how i'll do this /sigh Claire 19:12 Claire I don't think you will. You made the right choice to tell him today, and I think you'll make the right choice in figuring out a way to fix this small problem. Jesse Tran 19:13 Jesse Tran you have quite a lot of faith in me ;; /sobs and clings to you Claire 19:13 Claire /hugs You'll make the right choice! Jesse Tran 19:13 Jesse Tran i really hope i do /flops on you Claire 19:14 Claire You will! /becomes flop support Jesse Tran 19:15 Jesse Tran /sighs forever /flops on you forever can i just turn into a potato i'm sure potatoes have easier lives Claire 19:15 Claire /hugs tightly No because I eat a lot of potatos That's not allowed Jesse Tran 19:16 Jesse Tran but potatoes probably like being turned into mash potatoes and stuff Claire 19:17 Claire Maybe you'll get eaten raw by a crazy man Jesse Tran 19:17 Jesse Tran raw..... poate.o............... i think that'll happen to only one in a million potates excuse U Claire 19:17 Claire Okay well I have to go have dinner but I will be back soon! Jesse Tran 19:18 Jesse Tran okay.. i'll have a shower afgjk

and then

Claire Back! Jesse Tran 19:54 Jesse Tran Yo!! Claire 20:21 Claire Hi! Jesse Tran 20:21 Jesse Tran so i had a bath just before and it was a long bath and i was just thinking that i'm.. alright now because i've kinda always played with the idea that he might feel obliged to talk to me haha i guess hearing that he really did and that /lenalee/ knew and bri was probs thinking i'm an idiot kind of hit me hehe but hey i was like /lenalee/ would probs go well with him and bri was like noooo she doesn't like him i guess that's one thing i found out LOL but i'm kinda i just want to clear things up haha i'm a silly potato tho Claire 20:24 Claire Haha, well I'm glad you've had a chance to think through things. Jesse Tran 20:24 Jesse Tran thank you haha Claire 20:24 Claire And I'm glad you're okay with what's happened. I know it's a pain, but it's not the end. Jesse Tran 20:25 Jesse Tran i just kinda feel sorry for him a bit hahaha he has to put up with my spontaneity Claire 20:26 Claire Well spontaneity is supposed to be cute to guys so.... /wink wonk Jesse Tran 20:26 Jesse Tran ............ /shakes head at you right, claire, LOL just like husky voices aye LOL pretty sure i sounded like blocked nose and everything but hey /shimmies Claire 20:28 Claire LOL ah well /wiggles Jesse Tran 20:28 Jesse Tran /dances Claire 20:29 Claire /goes to have a shower I'm sorry Jesse Tran 20:29 Jesse Tran no problemo amigo

and i felt way better than before.

and then i was talking to katie the nerd coz she fINALLY went online and then well, she always manages to make me feel even more better by just being a nerd so i'm really grateful for that.

her opinion is always so unique and always helpful and so is everyone's and i could gather these 15 things from response:

1: boys are alien and lenalee is telling bs (which i really don't think lenalee would do because she's hella nice however katie's a very blunt person who always speaks her mind and so her view can be harsh)
2. i'm not normal
3. he's definitely struggling with his thoughts right now because although my plan was good it put him on the spot a bit much and I'm SDFGDSFHG
4. apparently he's probs intrigued by me
5. he smiled at me, quote 'stop ignoring the facts woman'
6. i do take leaps and bounds and then retreat
7. she honestly thinks it went well
8. apparently he had a positive attitude because 'he didn't shoot me down or reject me' but pretty sure he's just being polite
9. thinking about what will happen is pointless (speaking from experience) - quote by her
10. i may not give him enough time to sort his own feelings out and i have to be careful of rushing things
11. she has 'absolute confidence' that he does not feel obliged to talk to me ... from her perspective, apparently because he's done nothing to infer that (but LOL i'm pretty sure he's felt it at points)
12 is sILLY
13. boys don't do things they don't like and they don't think 'that way' (which claire agrees with apparently but iunno i have proof that boys are exactly like girls in some aspects)
15: there's a certain limit to being polite - in reference to him being 'polite'

and well

"Hey, I don't think he was being polite. I think he was just reflecting what he was feeling."


"Mostly valid points! I completely agree that his reaction was great because even though it might seem like he was just being polite, it's hard to cover your feelings in a situation like that. So I think whatever reaction you got was genuine."

so UHM maybe i'm putting these quotes on my blog because they reassure me and i don't know what other comment to make except haha i really am yoloing it and that my friends are so beautiful, i really don't know what i'd do without them.

the main people i actually go to for advice is ruby, claire and katie. the others i don't because i can't contact them so don't feel left out, anyone reading that's not them.

ruby is grounded, claire's logical and katie's feeling.

they're opinions all matter so much to me and so i kind of gather them and make my own.

soo anyway, my reasoning for /coughs getting over him is that okay, so i'm done with all that 'i have to tell anyone i like them because it's sad when you keep it in for a long time' and 'liking is such a precious feeling, that's why i think it's best you do eventually tell that object of all that affection you like them'-- and also that the reason i want to get to know him is so that afterwards i'm not just regretting the fact that... well, i don't know how to put it. my cousin asked me yesterday why and i told her something and she nodded thoughtfully at it but i can't remember what my response was. i guess i'm pretty selfish in this way and because i don't think of consequences much, i plan to apologise to canoe guy soon and really set things straight because i feel like someone 'feeling obliged' is similar to 'pitying'. and pity is an interesting thing but it's also pretty horrible to be the victim of it.

but my cousin told me i'd just like him even more because i'd probably find qualities that i can relate to and i was like that's a very valid point and then that is a huge flaw in my plan but then i justified it and i can't REMEMBER IT so i'm gonna think about that tonight asdfg



i was bantering with bandaid today and i was in the middle of calling him 'homebrand' when this girl, nickname: star, laughed out loud at us and i was like ohh hey!! and then i started talking to her and then i was walking with za and she was going the same way we were so i invited her to walk with us until she parted and hehe i feel pretty proud of that

i also talked to more people in my acting class today and bandaid tried to massage my shoulders and that was TERRIFYING. i can massage better btw B) since i'm like trained not even kidding yo huehuehue. vietnamese aunty and dad benefits, they both learnt how to massage hehe.

i've also been talking to my penpal shupao more and this guy i meant on tumblr; carlos. carlos and i bond because we're both shy people and he tells me about his crush and it's adorable haha. shupao will always be hella rad though.

i was also talking to bronze butt today more and it's so great because i'm like her science buddy and she's my science buddy and our sass wars are always so interesting hehe. she ALSO LIKES MUSIC I LIKE AND IT's SO GREAT BECAUSE WE SING TOGETHER :D

oh AND ALSO IN SCIENCE my friend threw a pen at me and i missed and this guy started laughing and i looked at him and kind of gave him this B( wut u doin mate and he laughed harder and i was like excuse you and then my friend needed to know the time and i was like oh hey, what's the time? and he smiled and gave the time and he was hella

also i said hi to this guy in my year today, who zara commented was 'the hottest in our year' LOL but yeah. he smiled and it was gr8.

i don't think i can go to basketball tomorrow because i'm sick haha but i want to watch (i don't think i'm allowed though which sucks)

i probably have a lot more to write but it's late and i'm sick and i have to go to sleep because parents be flipping tables heh.

also, jamilla, you're beautiful.

so this is entry 23!! the walking dead is SUCH A BEAUTIFUL GAME i wish episodes came out more often but clementine is my fav and my heart is still whispering a soft 'no' at the ending of the first season.

'still into you' is a good song. oh i also volunteered for tri the gong on the weekend and i was basically directing pedestrians out of the athlete's way and this random dude came up to me and was like 'hey you!! you were doing a really good job, nice work!' and that was so beautiful, haha

so, have an amazing day any readers of mine. reminder to sit up straight and drink water and eat apples because you don't want to be sick. be grateful for your clear airways /nods gravely.

bye bye! :D