entry 38

so i just had a talk with the parents today about finances and i'll try to summarise it here:

- basically I had to tell them what I assumed/calculated it would be each year to go and live there in japan and that amounted up to 20,000 dollars
- my dad said if it were around 10,000/12,000 he would be able to support me but this 20,000 will be really difficult
- he asked that if he paid the enrolment fees would we be able to get a refund
- and I was like yeah they do but it's not the full amount and he was like I see
- as you know I am a crybaby so when he mentioned the prospect of cancelling I got teary but luckily held it in as I think my dad would hate it if I were to cry/be emotional so I was really trying to keep that logical air
- I know how much i'm pressuring them and what i'm asking for and just the thought of all these finances and figures makes me dizzy lol and the dad said he would try asking his sister for money and think about renting the house
- and I was like oh.. ;;;; i'll try to get jobs and do as much as I can to help out and dad was like :/ and it's so hard
we're literally on the EDGE and this whole thing just doesn't feel good at all
my mum says for me not to worry and that we'll find a way and I know I should just take things step by step and focus on getting those jobs after I come back from the week schoolies trip but,, honestly I've been losing sleep over thinking about this

later today I went to the grocery store with mum and she made my cry in the car omg ;;;

but basically she was like "we know you're a good girl and you've been trying very hard and we're proud of you"

(sorry I stopped writing for like a few minutes because seriously just that ;;;; means so much to me and it hurts so much

and she was like "we'll find a way, you'll achieve your dreams" but in the same convo she was also like "I just want you to understand that we don't want you to struggle when you're over there, like not being able to buy food or things you want to buy" because they had intense childhoods as well, as I described in the last post. and I was like ";;;; I know ;;;; I just;;;  I would honestly,, rather that struggle than regretting not being able to go" but at the same time I say that, I have to reinforce, I know i'm putting so much pressure on them. and my mum was again like, 'yeah, but just try to understand from our pov because your dad is concerned with that as well, we don't want you to suffer like we did' and at that time I thought 'I think I understand so much to the point it hurts'

i'm so grateful to my parents and my mum reassured me that if anything we still have the house a.k.a the idea of renting the house to people and having those 'rent payments only go towards you' ;;;;; I just ;;;; feel so ;;;; bad that they have to struggle and think about this ;;;;; y'know ;;;;

it's just that I've set up myself to going on this path so much that I don't want to go down without a fight so at the same time as I am sorry I just have this like determination to get where I want to be, I just want things to go right and I want to work to make it happen

I don't even want to think about not being able to go because i'm so keen and I feel like my efforts really have been in order to be able to go, that's my dream y'know but obviously like yeah I have backup plans in mind and will probably have to think about them in December when atar results come out

then I got an email from a person who works at the uni i want to go to, and I've been messaging them for like two-ish years and they were really nice and actually said they thought i'd get a better scholarship but the competition must have been really intense this time around, but also said they knew there were lots of external scholarships that I could achieve once I was there ;;;

and that hit me with the feels again which is why i'm venting it out here instead of reaching out endlessly to my friends who have supported me more than enough ;;;

the fact that there are external scholarships I could potentially get over there fills me with hope because dear god I will really try my hardest to alleviate both my parents worries and my own, like I want to work so hard and really earn them

at the same time I just feel so sorry that I've accidentally thought stuff like 'i'm sorry I didn't get a better scholarship' to my parents but I know that I really did try my best and I don't have anything to regret and that the only way forward is taking things step by step and focusing on what I can do now in order to ensure a secure education and good future lifestyle.

yeah

ok

it's been an emotional day today and it's only 4 lol

my nose is running like a TAP it's so wild and my eyes are probably so swollen from all the crying I've been doing omg

ok

I just

gotta work hard

take it slow

do chores around the house and be as much help as I can be to my parents

yeah

ok.

well this has been my rant today

and i'm sorry it wasn't a more happier entry!!!

in any case thank you for reading and I hope you're healthy, happy and safe!

let me list a few moments of today that were actually nice and funny

- I've been thinking about getting a penpal and there's this site called interpal that I've found! I made a profile and told my mum about it today and she was like 'are there cute guys' and I was like 'um,,,, yes' and she was like 'oMgGG you GOOO girl you Talk to THEM DO it while you're YOUNG!!!!' and I was like omg' and she was like 'set me up,, a profile...' and I was like ... 'are you... going to talk to Korean people' (because she's a lover of Korean culture/kdrama) and she was like ':))))) better find pictures of when I was skinny and young'

- yuri on ice is actually an awesome anime dude like yuri and victor the affection they show each other is UNDENIABLY ROMANTIC AND HOMO WHICH IS LIKE AMAZING ????? it better not be queerbaiting because honestly the characters are all so precious and I love !!! the character development with yuri and him finding fun in ice skating again and he also practically confessed his love for victor in the episode i'm up to it is actually so amazing and beautiful of an anime

- my friends are so supportive of everything I do and I can't be more grateful to have them here by my side and cheering them on. actually snay today ;;;; I was talking to her and it was just ;;; let me quote:

"You know what
I admire you so much
Like
If I was faced with this situation I would just be 'burrito mode' and then give up
But you
You just go full "Hinata promising to beat Shiratorizawa mode" and you do everything in your power to achieve that goal
And I know that that analogy/metaphor is pretty chidish
But honestly that's the only one that fits in my head
Because you are my Hinata"

and this honestly made me cry and be really happy ;;; to be compared to my son hinata ;;;;; but honestly i love snay so much and i think although we have different ways of handling things, we'll always get to where we want to be because we have each other

in the same vein if any of my friends are reading this thank you for being here for me. i honestly can't stress that enough (look how many times I've said honestly in this blog post omg), because i'm seriously only here and who i am because of you guys and you being here for me

ok

i'll be back with another blog post probs after schoolies :D

see u!!!! :D
btw my eyes are so SQUINTY now i gotta drink water to rehydrate them ahhh